H2o Flooding by freak_like

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Submission Name: H2o Flooding dots

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Author:	freak_like_me
ASL Info:	18/female/Ireland
Elite Ratio:	4.79 - 111/109/41
Words:	69

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	267
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	500

Description:
Its about rain. Rain is strange sumtimes

H2o Flooding dots

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A Dark force of black
Overcomes the tiny village
Within seconds...
The microcosm is soaking

Peering out the window
I see Picasso
Tarnished creams, silver greys
And sun burnt oranges

Large unmerciful drops
of H2O, warp the land
To a highly extensive
Flood

We cannot relinquish this curse
Nor can we curse this blessing

All we can do
Is wait until the flood is over

Submitted on 2005-06-01 05:04:03 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  i love the description in the second stanza what an interesting metaphor...though it works quite well for what your describing...i like the first three stanzas...but i think the last two ones could be worded better maybe...extended on...it just seems the ending was rushed...but the first three stanzas brilliant...purps
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a beautifully written poem Marshall!
I really get that sense of watching these huge downpourings of rain, and I absolutely LOVE

Peering out the window
I see picasso
Tarnished creams, silver greys
And sun burnt oranges

that is beautiful! evokes such an interesting image in the readers mind, outside becomes like a Picasso painting, thats very vivid.

I also like how you used the word curse, and that stanza, it's true, rain can make one feel very ambiguous.

the ending was also perfect, there is no other way to sum it up, nothing can be done obviously until this flood moves on.

Oh and your title is pretty cool too, very different.

thanks for the read!

alexis
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
  Its raining now as I type, and I think that enhances my appreciations of this poem...Almost like a live illustration of your subject matter...

I like the fact that your ending debates briefly whether this natural phenomenon is a blessing or a curse, and settles for just a fact. Its inevitable, it will happen, and it combines both blessing and curse - and that is the conclusion I felt you were coming to.

"Peering out the window
I see picasso
Tarnished creams, silver greys
And sun burnt oranges"

I really like this stanza - very visual, very vivid. However, I would capitalize Picasso, seeing as you're making a reference to the artist, and using that to build your image. Also, maybe think of making the colours more unusual...have blue oranges and silver greens... I think that might make that stanza even more striking...

Also, in the opening line, I dont think you need to capitalise 'Dark' - its evident enough, and contributes to the atmosphere...the capitalisation made me stumble a bit..

These are just personal thoughts, however - so feel free to disregard them

All the best,

Katia

Those are just some thought
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
  this was filled with interesting metaphors and nice imagery, overall it works, and is a very enjoyable read. i really think you could expand upon this though, make it longer, because it just seems as though there is more to be said, like it was rushed or something.

even though the ending seemed a bit rushed, it ended quite well, making known the central message of the piece.

i have to get home from school now, so i will check more stuff out in a bit.

Later
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by xeternalshadowx | [ Reply to This ]

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