fadded into darkness by jermwerm

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Submission Name: fadded into darkness dots

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Author:	jermwerm
ASL Info:	26/m/FRESNO CA
Elite Ratio:	4.33 - 202/263/80
Words:	63

Class/Type:	Deep Thought/
Total Views:	209
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	322

Description:
Something I wrote a while back when my girlfriend who I love so much had left me.

fadded into darkness dots

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So long do I wait with so little hope.
So long will it rain with my tears.
So long will it be untill joy comes to me, No, never happy, see.
The only heart I have left, a peiceof hope that she'll return.
Please come back, I'd rather die than see you go.
Please come home.

Submitted on 2005-06-01 22:10:00 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I'm probably one of the harshest judges on here, so don't take what I say to heart. I'm a complete asshat, to put it simple. The poem -does- have emotion behind it, but the structure of it is a tad choppy. All truth be told, it has no pattern, no flow whatsoever. Rather, it's a series of fragmented thoughts being hurled at the reader one after another. The one truly poetic line is "So long will it rain with my tears." That line and that line alone redeems the poem from its somewhat-long list of shortcomings. I'd work on the wording and the line breaks. As a bare-bones piece, this is excellent. For a finished product ready for public viewing? Absolutely, without a doubt, not.
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by alexianx | [ Reply to This ]
  first of all, you need to sort out the typos before you submit.
you could be saying the most profound or beautiful thing but if ti is littered with typos then it is just going to put any reader off straight away. the thing is, a reader will make a shrewd and instant judgement on your poem in a matter of seconds [or sometimes even less]. if the first of one of the first things they see are spelling mistakes, then they will assume that you are not able to write well and will just leave.
we all make spelling mistakes but if you just paste your piece through word before you submit it will help no end, it certainly has me and makes up for my terrible typing skills.
so look at your title and line three and four where you have grammatical and spelling errors.

once this is done then we can start to look at the poem for what it really is.
you have a lot of heartfelt emotion and hurt in your piece here but you need to determine what you want out of it, in my insignificant opinion. if you just want a release, and you are upset and such, then write it in your journal, and let that be that. look back at it in later years and you will doubtless raise a smile. if you want to show your piece to the world, then you have to do a little more than that if you want to be taken semi-seriously.
you need to think about what you want to say; and it seems that you know very well here, so a good start indeed.
then you need to think about how you are going to say it; and in my opinion this is where this poem falls a little short. it is clear form this piece looking at your structure and line breaks and sentencing that you have not thought too much about this part of writing.
the first potential mistake is the repetition. this is often used to bulk out a piece, and is the easiest thing to do when writing. it takes more thought and care and skill to convey your feelings using different analogies and methods of portrayal.
your sentence structure is awkward, and this comes to a head in line 3 where it seems that you have squashed 3 or so lines into one. you have a capital in the middle of the line after a comma and overall the sentence does not seem to make any real sense. if it is these words that you really want to keep then you could look at breaking that line down into the sections that it should read, as if it were being said.
you have some clichés in here too. this is an argument that can potentially go on forever, and some people love them, and you will be told that they are cliché because they are of value; and this is fine. however raining tears has to be about the biggest cliché and i am sure that you can come up with a more appropriate/relevant/realistic image.

and that is all i have to say, good luck,
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  I noticed that you like to write short poetry. Don't really think it expresses much since words is the essence of self expression. Being able to write on a piece of paper is a wonderful gift, so don't really cut your words short. There is so much more remaining to be said.

I wanted to review your latest work first cause i haven't really been reviewing people lately(had exams) but i just wondered your latest thoughts. So here goes.

The title first of all. The attraction of the piece. Its mispelt to be honest. I believe faded is the correct spelling. Not really the title i would of picked but reasonably well.

I don't really know how i should judge a piece that is in deep thought since i am good (not the best but reasonable) when it comes to breaking down a poem. I think if you want people to appreciate your thoughts, you should write something that would make them understand your feelings. These kind of feelings, i doubt even if i had to write this that it would take more than 63 words but then i know you write short pieces.

I also do not think you are writing a diary, so if people are to view it, make sure its structure is appropriate. I honestly do not see any. Some other grammatical mistakes are made...First you say "She" then you say "You". Which one is it? And there is a need for spacing "peiceof"

Overall, i can say, it's not one of your best work because there are so many things left vague in the piece. But you got good potential so i believe there is so much more left in you to be discovered.

Be awaiting for more of your work
Peace...Irina
| Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]

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