Depressions Narcotics by SammySueYou

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Submission Name: Depressions Narcotics dots

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Author:	SammySueYou
ASL Info:	20/f/nm
Elite Ratio:	3.12 - 79/70/25
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	288
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	558

Description:
Haven't you ever felt a depression that feels un-natural? That is what I was experiencing when I wrote this.

Depressions Narcotics dots

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One needle bursting through the surface of my heart,
decorating my insides with the most poisonous art.
Injecting my soul with the narcotics of pain,
covering every inch of my beautiful vein.
My depression’s lethal injection began to sink in,
like heroin the heartache filled me within.
My horrible thoughts kept repeating inside of my mind,
searching for the solemn happiness that I could not find.
Morbid feelings transitioning into hate,
dying alone in this world is my ultimate fate.

Submitted on 2005-06-02 15:24:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like your expression. If you could write about other stuff (but pure deathwish) with that style, I'd simply love it. Anyway, continue the works! :)
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by shoggoth | [ Reply to This ]
  oh it's good one ...actually..it's very good one it really teach my..you area good writer keep on
...you are talent writer ...
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by muhammed | [ Reply to This ]
  wow this was great i really liked it i would like to know what brought this one on well anyways it was really cool continue to write
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by Demon__666 | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautifully written and well illustrated graphic imagery. I can tell you took your time to think on this one. I dont have any critical things to say on this one. well done.
| Posted on 2005-06-02 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey! First time to your page. Took a look at your latest. Are they all this dark? Isee lots of good stuff and this, and some things that I might change. First, you have used some very colorful language. Your first line is a good attention grabber, gets them interested. Sime of the good phraes: "poisonous art", "injecting my soul" and the comparison of heartache to heroin.
Things to consider: 1) "decorating" ( to go with art, no doubt) sounds not the right tone. Why not go the other way and use "disfiguring", since the art is poisonous. 2) What vein? I don't see this in relation to anything previous. Maybe it should be something like, my blodstream's veins"? 3) I would drop these two bits " ...inside my mind" and "...that I couldn't find". It reads as though they were added just to rhyme "My horrible thoughts kept repeating" is good enough to stand on its own, (thoughts - would only repeat in one's mind), "Searching for solemn happiness" is also good enough. If you chose to you might reword this to rhyme. Also I would change "horrible" to something more grotesque and "solemn" is almost counterpoint to "happiness". What are these horrible thoughts? or is that another poem?

As I said, some I really liked, and some intrigued me enough to think of other ways to say it. You got my attention and held it, all the while I was being entertained. As to the dark nature of the poem, well I've gone there myself, and it is dangerous territory, they either love it or hate it. I see a lot of good things in your poem, like your use of language. You certainly put together some original and unusual pairings.

Last line - I think you can omit "in this world" and achieve the same effect.

I'll be back! ala Arnold.

Phil
| Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]

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