Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Give Us This Daydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Athalia
    Elite Ratio:    4.65 - 156/124/21
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 904
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1012



    Description:
       A Pantoum, as inspired by Donna and Graeme....It's my first attempt, but I think it's not too convoluted. I welcome any suggestions to make it work better, within the form, though.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGive Us This Daydots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the mountain air I sit
    Making my daily bread
    Above me the sky is lit
    The sun shines on my head

    Making my daily bread
    I sift and stir and knead
    The sun shines on my head
    Work, then play is our creed

    I sift and stir and knead
    The dough increases in size
    Work, then play is our creed
    These loaves will be the prize

    The dough increases in size
    Punch it, form it, then to bake
    These loaves will be the prize
    A luscious dinner to partake

    Punch it, form it, then to bake
    As it cools, off we go
    A luscious dinner to partake
    Watch the water rushing below

    As it cools, off we go
    We must make it to the peak
    Watch the water rushing below
    There peace and quiet to seek

    We must make it to the peak
    Above me the sky is lit
    There peace and quiet to seek
    In the mountain air I sit




    Submitted on 2005-06-03 01:22:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I saw this in Graeme’s faves, and was curious. I have attempted 3-4 pantoums, but lost interest in them as I get boggled in the form. This however is lovely, it is tight yet fluid, and the theme is interesting and both compels the reader to move forward, while blurring the repetitiveness innate in such a rigid form. Kudos to you,— I have been away for weeks, but will back to read more.
    Silver
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great for your first attempt! I've been trying to write a pantoum, but I can't even choose a theme! This one was different, and there wasn't one part that I did not like. It kind of paints a peaceful picture in my mind. Nice job. :)
    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by insipid sky | [ Reply to This ]
      *Much applause* .....*more applause*

    Sensational pantoum, baking two themes together and pulling it off very well.
    I guess the flow could be improved ever so slightly in a couple of places, but I'm only saying that so this is a critique instead of a gush!

    Excellent, be proud of yourself, and accept this monkey stamp on the wrist!

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a beautiful pontoon poem. It was very inspiring and was written well. Many a great lines it had, my favorite was

    Work, then play is our creed

    Thats my thoughts ed-zachary. Thank you for posting such an inpirational write. Have a good one.
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahhh yes :), There seems to have been a recent rush on pantoums :) They remind me <kind of> like singing in a round only it's poetry :) How about a written round?...anyways, the imagery was there I liked visualizing the baking of bread and then going off to enjoy a peaceful and serene day/night in the mountain air :)

    Thanks for the wondeful read!

    stW
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed the form and repetition of the poem. You brought us full circle with great deftness. The piece was a labor of love to be certain. After all, like the bread, we all long to be kneaded.
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    61372

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry