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    dots Submission Name: Dear M&Mdots

    Author: nebnim
    ASL Info:    21 - Female - My Room
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 284/405/75
    Words: 1450
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1603
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 8981

       Okay...anyone who's paid attention know's the story. Especially if you read "The Day Beauty Died". For as hard as it was to write That story, it's even harder to write this one. This is the story behind the story...the emotion behind it all. This is the Most personal thing I have ever written, and the most personal thing I will ever post on here. No one has ever read this, except for Kerrie. Today marks the one week count down, and I can feel it in my heart beat.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDear M&Mdots

    Do you remember that day, about 14 years ago?
    It was the middle of summer
    I can't recall the day, the month...but it was hot outside
    I had just gotten into a fight with Paul
    That insistant neighborhood bully
    He got a few good licks in, but I think I won
    Anyways, I was sitting on the curb outside my house
    Drinking apple juice, watching the older kids play basketball
    The jeans that were once Monica's had a rip in the knee
    And I knew mom would be angry
    My lip was bleeding, but I don't remember noticing, or caring
    I looked down the street at the house Matt used to live in
    Saw the moving van, the new car, the new everything
    Then I saw you for the first time
    I thought, in my seven year old mind
    That you were the neatest looking kid ever
    You were short, with long gold hair that seemed to blind me
    You were wearing a white dress, and I remembered that it was Sunday
    We never went to church, but I assumed you did
    Why else would you wear a dress?
    I soon learned that you liked them
    That was always weird to me
    You saw me a moment later, staring at you
    And you walked up to me
    I thought for a moment that you might try to fight me
    You don't stare at people in that neighborhood
    But you smiled
    And told me my lip was bleeding
    We laughed at that moment together
    Joined by something that wasn't funny
    You were from California
    And I was sure you had seen the world
    You became my idol, my older playmate, my dream friend
    The bad girl and the good girl
    Don't they always become best friends in the movies?
    We were like Jekyl and Hyde, you and I
    I was always daring you to step up
    And you were always warning me to back down
    "Don't climb that tree!"
    "Your mama is gonna kill you, Rachel..."
    "I can't believe you snuck out last night..."
    "Why are you the way you are? I don't understand."
    But you did understand
    We were the same, you and I
    You just had a conscience
    Or else you didn't have the guts
    Do you remember when that song "Stay" by Lisa Loeb came out?
    You and I would sing at the top of our lungs
    Until Monica or Erica turned the radio off
    Remember that one time, in the fifth grade (I think)
    I dared you to super glue a stuffed elephant to the floor
    Outside of the teachers lounge
    You finally did it and we got caught
    I took the blame, and they believed me, of course
    You never got in trouble, and I didn't want you to start then
    I got suspended for three days
    I remember you tried telling them that you did it
    But they thought you were just trying to protect me
    When I got back to school, the principal sat me down
    Told me that I should stop hanging out with you
    That I was a bad influence on you
    That you were going someplace big
    And I was just a little punk
    With my ratted Joan Jett hair
    And over-sized combat boots
    I never told you that, did I?
    I suppose I thought that maybe you'd believe him
    And you'd stop loving me
    If you thought I was holding you back
    I was selfish, wasn't I?
    You were gonna be big, you know that
    I remember how we used to sit on my bed for hours in the middle of the night
    And you would explain politics to me
    You had a great mind for all that right-wing, left-wing bullshit
    You would tell me how you were going to be the first female president
    Or a great congresswoman
    Or even a judge
    I would laugh and say that if you ever became a judge
    You could get me out of jail someday
    I don't think you ever liked my jokes
    What was it about me that pissed you off so badly?
    Was it my lack of compassion
    Or my lack of drive?
    I know you hated that
    That I never "took charge of my destiny", as you'd often say
    "Get up, Rachel! Do something with your life."
    "You'll live to see 18, you know. What will you do then?"
    Hey baby, look at me now
    I was always laughing at you, M&M, wasn't I?
    I'd say to you, "M&M, you'll be great, I know it...
    You just have to stop hanging out with thugs like me."
    And I'd laugh like it was my last one ever
    And you would get so mad at me, that was the best part
    I loved pissing you off, and you loved picking my brain
    Always asking me, why why why?!?
    "Why did you beat up that boy?"
    "Why do you stay with James when he hits you?"
    "Why do you have those marks on your arms?"
    "Rachel, why do you do these things? Aren't I good enough?"
    Yeah, I pissed you off pleanty, I know that now
    I always had an answer for you though
    "That boy made fun of me."
    "James and I were wrestling, that's all."
    "Those marks? I was playing with the cat."
    "I'm not doing anything, M&M. Maybe it's all in your head..."
    You'd fall asleep in my arms at night
    Every night
    I'd lie awake next to you sometimes and just cry
    I knew I was hurting you
    Damned if I could stop it though
    I would kiss your sleeping lips
    And spill my heart out to your sleeping ears
    "That boy was making fun of you, M&M."
    "I stay with James because it distracts me...the pain distracts me."
    "I hurt myself to get your attention, to keep your attention, your concern."
    "I do these things because I'm not good enough..."
    "You're everything to me, M&M."
    "I love you, I love you, I love you so much. Never leave me, please."
    Sometimes my voice would wake you up
    As I was reading my poetry to you
    You would smile at me
    That smile that made up for every smile I never got in return from someone else
    "What were you saying, Rach?"
    I'd chuckle, shake my head, kiss you again
    "Nothing, M&M, go back to sleep."
    I know now that these are things I should have said while you were awake
    While you were alive
    I always did things too late
    I remember, minutes after your funeral ended, your mom walked up to me
    I was wondering if I should bow my head in shame
    Or if I should hug her
    I just stood there, looking at my feet, kicking the grass
    I was in the middle of heavy withdrawls by that time
    Withdrawls from both you and the drug
    Your mom, she was crying, and she pulled me into her arms
    Hugged me tighter then anyone else had before
    And told me how sorry she was that never saw it, never knew it
    I felt I should cry with her, but I didn't
    I wouldn't cry until that night, alone in my room
    I told her that I was sorry...so sorry, Mrs. Daniels
    She forgave me in that hug
    Her and Mr. Daniels left for California the next day
    Alot of things have happened in the last six years, M&M
    I've fallen in love, fallen out of love
    I've grown to hate some people, and forgive some others
    I've become enraptured by my sisters children
    They're beautiful, and they would have loved you
    Mom is doing good
    She's happy and silly as usual
    Every once in a while, she'll hear me cry in the middle of the night
    But she never asks about it
    She can't say your name...
    She can't hear me talk about you at all, even
    So we haven't spoken about you since a week after you died
    You know, M&M, I think about you every day
    And I miss you every day
    But I'm doing good now...I feel healthy
    Ever since that night, I've never touched the poison again
    I don't drink any more...not like I used to, anyways
    I remember every person I sleep with
    That's saying alot, isn't it?
    I have to go soon, M&M
    I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through
    I'm sorry for breaking your Lisa Loeb tape...it really was an accident
    I'm sorry I told Bobby in the fourth grade that you liked him
    I'm sorry I took you to that house that night
    And I'm sorry I never told you anything while you were awake

    Forever and a day and a half,

    Submitted on 2005-06-03 17:32:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Steve introduced me to the series on your friend. I have read all the ones he recommended and this to me is the strongest and most vivid. You both seem to come alive in this poem maybe because as you state this is the 'Most personal thing that you have written' it is so vivid that I can almost see you talking to your friend's mother.

    My daughter, Selina/Speacenik, has also known more than her share of personal tragedy.
    I am so sorry that you went through so much pain.

    take care
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      So this is your story, and it rings clear as a bell...it's obvious you've been through hell and back, and I think maybe at night you re-visit hell once more. I know how it is to lose a best friend, though my story is much more trivial and much less permanent and damaging than yours, since she just moved away for good...but your best friend reminds me of mine in so many ways...she was a much better person than me as well, and i loved her. and when she left, so did the light of my world; everything bad i can trace back to her moving van pulling out of my driveway. you are so strong and brave for living through this.

    thanks for sharing

    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by throughmyvoice | [ Reply to This ]
      <wipes tears>

    You once told me that if you ever shared "Dear M&M", that we would have heard the whole story, but you didn't see yourself ever being that strong.

    I'm glad you're that strong and I'm glad you shared it.

    (I really need to get these eyes fixed.)

    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh Jesus Rachel. I'm trying right now thru tears to convey to you the emotions you have brought out with this poem. I wish so desperately I could have met her, even for a moment. I'm so sorry for what happened to you both. I love you.
    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
    My heart pounded faster, my eyes watered,
    It was funny,sad,then happy,and then sad again. The courage and strength you have now is immortal. use it, and keep using it. Thank you.
    this is the second peice I've read of yours, You've seem to have lifelong fan. I have to get a tissue and and a drink.

    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think it is uncommon, when we lose a loved one, to not be able to write of it, for years after it happens. I know this happened with me. It not only takes a healing process to be able to write of this, but also a lot of courage, beacause it is so personal, and so profound. You have honored your friend with this poem. Let me add just one word to the mix of descriptives about your poem, Powerful! It is captivating!

    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes it's so hard to share such a personal part of your life with someone. You, Rachel, have managed to get back up, regain your strength and tell all of us here your story. You are a very courageous woman. I wish you much love and joy in your life. Posting this was a very big step, and may the rest of the steps you take get easier, one by one.

    Brightest Blessings to you my dear,
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank's Rachel... i've found the best reason for joining this site while reading your poem... thank you... . . . . . . . .

    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
      I am actually watching a big playoff basketball game but came upon your poem at the end of halftime and could not stop reading it...I read it twice...I um...well...if I weren't such a manly man I would have cried both times I read it...I don't know if this is a poem or a letter or a journal entry or prose or a novel or a screenplay...it doesn't matter...it is beautiful and powerful and so [censored] honest that I want to commend you and hold you and pat you on the back and cry with you all at the same time.

    and don't feel bad about not saying those things to her when she was awake. Without a doubt, she knew.

    somehow the game no longer seems to matter very much

    much love
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      It takes an immesurable amount of courage to write down such memories...for when we do, we make them real, and written, and tear-marked....and permanent..as Bulgakov said, 'manuscripts never burn'....

    It takes even more courage to share those manuscripted memories with the world.

    And you have. The courage, and the strength, and the power within your words to make the reader amost cry with you.

    I dont think I can say anything more...so will go away now.

    All the best,

    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      Dont ask me why im crying. she made it big. I am so terrible with words. She made something big she became your judge and a congresswomen of your mind. she is so proud of who you have become. and she feels it every time you scronch your nose.
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Charmer | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel almost like I'm intruding in on a private conversation. This is just such a powerfully emotional poem. I can't tell you it has a great rhyme scheme, or it fits into one perfect stanza or the next, it just works...this made me cry and that's hard to do :P...I didn't realize how long this was, but I didn't care...it just flowed...thanks for sharing this, and again, sorry about your loss.

    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      i fully feel like i shouldnt have heard any of that... this is so personal and my god... you are the bravest person ive EVER met! to write and share such a write... wow...
    i have tears in my eyes but some of them are selfish and for my own regrets but i think we share a lot of the same things (though i dont want to keep sounding like im belittling your experience and your pain...)
    im speechless really... thank you for sharing this...
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I guess what I missed most in this piece was knowing exactly what happened to M&M, how she died, which I can guess at but not be too sure. And maybe this is too painful for you to relate in such an obvious way, but throughout the entire piece you were pretty upfront about it all. And despite its personal nature, I did feel a transcendent appeal to it, a deep almost unbearable sadness and acute loss . . . the one person who loves us in spite of our flaws is a precious find, and an inexpressible loss. From a technical standpoint, I can only point out one flaw that I noticed, in L15 "though" missing a T, I believe . . . instead of "thought."

    Overall this was beautifully written, and I could feel your pain seeping through line by line. You honor her with every sentence, and share her with the world . . .

    She lives, inside you now, for all to see and love.
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Dear Sunshine,

    Posting a comment to this has been too hard for me to do earlier. I had to walk away for a while to pull my thoughts together. I can't get through it without 'getting something that burns in my eyes'. Both of them. (I can't imagine how it is to live feeling that way all the time.)

    You have done justice to all that has happened, Rachel. This piece draws the reader in, stuffs the hurt down our throats and makes that hurt get stuck right behind the breastbone. I know nothing will eliminate the pain, nothing will ever make you forget, but maybe, lancing the old wounds open, sharing the hurt with us so brilliantly, allowing us to share some of the burden will be a small salve for your heart.

    It's a beautiful piece, and a beautiful heart. I hurt inside knowing that you hurt so much more. Thank you for helping me understand more clearly why you beat yourself up.

    Part of me wants to say that M&M is still watching over you and wants you to be happpy, but it sounds so cliché.

    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]

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