Salt Water by Brack-Attax

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Submission Name: Salt Water dots

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Author:	Brack-Attax
ASL Info:	21/male/phx
Elite Ratio:	6.53 - 175/116/21
Words:	87

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	307
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	599

Description:
I wasn't too sure about the title. tear could have worked,tear drop.----I don't know. The one I chose I thought was creative and it went with it.
what do you think?

Salt Water dots

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Slowly running downward, going faster
then slow again from the changing
shape on your skin;
like a standard transmission,
only gravity changes the gears.
The blink of your eye suddenly is like
a boost of nitrous releasing another
forming one whole, causing it to reach the top
of your lip, giving you this slight irritation.
So, with your tongue you quikly remove it,
the tastebuds have detected a slight
surge of saltiness from this newfound moisture.
Continuing, until you gather your thoughts.

Submitted on 2005-06-03 18:23:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  *disappears*

I really enjoyed this. I found the discription of the tear very well. So many people seem to want to tell why the tears are there, and they forget all about what the tears are really.

You did a wonderous job Mike...

Rain

*Reappears with a giggle*
| Posted on 2005-06-25 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the creativity. You focus more on the actual crying on not on what caused the crying and I think that this is very original. The title is a bit cliché I think because tears are all too often described as being salty. A title that came to my mind right away was "Not Just Water". I don't know, you can use it if you like but I suppose then that would take a bit away from the originallity of it. I don't care though. I like how you describe the emotions as being boosted, thus resulting in an onpour of more tears. When
someone is sad, ity can all too often come in waves therefore making tears sometimes move faster. I think you should touch up the ending line a bit, it seems too long and throws the entire poem out of whack. Other than that I really like this peice. Thanks for the read, PEACE.
| Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
  okay..so i like the concept..i dont think ive ever read a poem about the process of crying before..as far as the poem itself i liked everything but the last 4 lines...you lose something..especially in the last line which to me completely throws everything off..you suddenly got too wordy.."allow this to happen numerous times"...just takes away the flow...you could do amazing things with this concept..right now its just good..but keep writing. good read
| Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by inkonspikuous | [ Reply to This ]
  salt water was the perfect title. its the taste of the salt that adds the experience, cliché or not. just like the image of the banana peeling in "I know" i like the imagery in the first 5 lines here with the car. i agree with the others that the last line is wordy, but the intention is right-maybe just rework it
im new but im not taking ur stuff in the 4um
| Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by bugaboo | [ Reply to This ]
  I appreciate your comment, it'll help me with rewriting the ending. It does need to be shorter. It will indeed come together in full.
thanx
| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
  Decided to pay you a visit and read one of your peoms,since you've been to my page. I liked this quite a bit, the journey I took with the tear was kinda fun.

So, with your tongue you quikly remove it,
the tastebuds have detected a slight
surge of satlyness from this newfound moisture.

I don't know why but I liked this stanza in the peom...Maybe because of this book called "The Friends" by Rosa Guy I read once, you described it in a way she would a moment.

Anybobiddle, nice job and see you around

Lats
| Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by Winterbliss | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very interesting take on crying. I like the way you have described it in this poem. I like the title too as it leaves much to the imagination when it is first read and only becomes relevant as you read the poem. I think this is well written and described. I like the comparison of a blink of the eye with a boost of nitrous! I like the way you ended this as well, the last line sums up the entire poem very nicely! Good write! Take care!

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]

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