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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Colddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: akaietowa-ru_18
    ASL Info:    17/F/In between the lines
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 101/125/64
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 231
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1443



    Description:
       Make what you want out of this. I don't care.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsColddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Cold, cold

    I'm growing numb.

    Cold as a feirce winter's night.

    Yet comforting,

    makes memorys go away.

    Cold, cold

    The cold is my happiness.

    My sense of freedom,

    sens of security.

    Escape of my deadly reality.

    Cold, cold

    I welcome it like a dear lover's embrace.

    As sweet as the kisses of a loving mother.

    Sweet like a childhood lullaby ringing in my ears.

    Sweet like the past christmases I used to have as a child under the green tree of lights glitering like stars.

    Cold, cold

    The cold is my happiness.

    My sense of freedom,

    sens of security.

    Escape of my deadly reality.

    Cold, cold

    I love it so.

    The gods have forsacken me since I was born.

    For my sins...

    Alone in this world for eternity, no one ever near to say it's all right, and that I am gonna live to see another day.

    Dead for the ones I used to trust,

    dead for myself.

    Cold, cold

    The cold is my happiness.

    My sense of freedom,

    sens of security.

    Escape of my deadly reality.

    Cold, cold...




    Submitted on 2005-06-04 17:44:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      thanks for your comment on "Not God's Child", and i was wondering if you could pull out the specific phrases i made grammar errors because i am going to revise it, and though i have re-read the poem, i can't seem to find where i made my mistakes...probably cause i need fresh perspective

    so about your poem; i thought it was very lonely and that the way you worded it with cut-off phrases added to that. but i did see some spelling and grammatical errors, such as "feirce" where believe you meant "fierce", "memorys " should be changed to "memories", "sens" i think was meant to be "sense", and "forsacken" should be "forsaken". a couple lines i thought were a bit long for the structure of this poem, and compared to the simplicity of the other lines, were forced sounding...for example

    "Sweet like the past christmases I used to have as a child under the green tree of lights glitering like stars."

    and

    "Alone in this world for eternity, no one ever near to say it's all right, and that I am gonna live to see another day."

    although i actually enjoyed the placement of the long second phrase, because it broke the pattern and still fitted nicely, i did not feel the first long phrase meshed as well

    as for the actual writing, i thought the simple phrases, almost like abstract thoughts were a very nice factor to the piece. but when you talked about using the cold for escaping your deadly reality i became frustrated at not being able to gain insight into exactly what your deadly reality was. perhaps if you elaborate more on the cause for your need for cold, it would make this promising piece more fulfilling...

    keep it up!

    -Cherie
    | Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by throughmyvoice | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I like this a lot. I like how you used repitition. I know how you feel about being 'cold, cold' and how it's a sense of security. Knowing, or feeling, that no one's out there. Keep writing. I'm not sure what you mean by the gods have forsaken me since I was born for my sins. Go into more depth about it perhaps. What sins do you feel you've had since birth? It makes it sound like someone didn't want you to be born...?
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Rhayne O_Reilly | [ Reply to This ]
      oops wow, kinda missed the lyrics part of this...oh well, what song is it??? It sounds like it would be a really good song, is it yours or some "famous" band?
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Rhayne O_Reilly | [ Reply to This ]
      I've been there when I didnt care what ppl thought of my poem. . I think that adds spice to the poem itself. . .

    Poem wise. . . It gave me the uttermost chills. . . The cold cold put alot of meaning into this piece. I felt discomfort reading this. . And I hope thats how i was supposed to take it. .

    And the dead to all that I used to trust. . Wicked . . Ive been there, top knotch relativity to those who read this. . . Post me to what made you come up with this idea!
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha well this explains alot from the rps im not so confused anymore.This was pretty cool and very...um strange.I kinda liked it.
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by net | [ Reply to This ]



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