Description: This was written for my fiancee, Annalisa. In case you couldn't guess, she's an artist. Let me know what you think.
My Artist -------------------------------------------
You sketch my dreams of the future
You illustrate my ideals of the life I wish to live
My soul, once a blank page
Now filling with images created
By the rennaisance precision of your hand
The simple shaft of graphite you grip
Is the timeless tool with which
You place scenes of beauty
Where emptiness once lived
You view the world through artist's eyes
And my happiness is inspired
By the joy and beauty you see in the world
You are a masterpiece of nature
You are my love, my life, my artist
And your name is signed forever
Across my heart
hello there, a sweet testament to her. and that is not for me to judge, and these are your words and that is fine.
i would offer a small suggestion: perhaps you have too much punctuation that is swallowing some of the things you are saying and how they are being conveyed in your piece. you have some kind of device after every line and it really stunts the movement and sensitivity, in my opinion. it reads more like a list than a poem, and that is an injustice.
i think where one line runs into another you should let it be, you have many misplaced commas in my opinion, and i would say that no punctuation would even work better than overcrowding.
i would say that the capitalisation of every line has a similar effect,
You our obviously an artist too. You yourself paint a picture of her, as beautiful as any portrait. With words you can draw a picture too and you created such a strong mural of love. This is so nice, the heart felt passion just glows off of this peice. I think that perhaps you could make the ending a couplet and rhyme heart with art. I think that it would draw a nice closure to the peice. By making the ending unique then perhaps you would be making your lover even more so. You could also cut a bit of the punctuation out. If you did so I think that this peice would just flow so much better and smoothe out that sense of love. Others than that I really like this peice, I hope your love last forever. Thanks for the read, PEACE.