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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Artistdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jimma
    ASL Info:    22/m/Melb Aust
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 217/234/54
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 820
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 650



    Description:
       This was written for my fiancee, Annalisa. In case you couldn't guess, she's an artist. Let me know what you think.

    =Jimma=


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Artistdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You sketch my dreams of the future
    You illustrate my ideals of the life I wish to live
    My soul, once a blank page
    Now filling with images created
    By the rennaisance precision of your hand
    The simple shaft of graphite you grip
    Is the timeless tool with which
    You place scenes of beauty
    Where emptiness once lived
    You view the world through artist's eyes
    And my happiness is inspired
    By the joy and beauty you see in the world
    You are a masterpiece of nature
    You are my love, my life, my artist
    And your name is signed forever
    Across my heart




    Submitted on 2005-06-04 18:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hello there,
    a sweet testament to her.
    and that is not for me to judge, and these are your words and that is fine.

    i would offer a small suggestion:
    perhaps you have too much punctuation that is swallowing some of the things you are saying and how they are being conveyed in your piece. you have some kind of device after every line and it really stunts the movement and sensitivity, in my opinion.
    it reads more like a list than a poem, and that is an injustice.

    i think where one line runs into another you should let it be, you have many misplaced commas in my opinion, and i would say that no punctuation would even work better than overcrowding.

    i would say that the capitalisation of every line has a similar effect,

    and that is all i have to say,

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      You our obviously an artist too. You yourself paint a picture of her, as beautiful as any portrait. With words you can draw a picture too and you created such a strong mural of love. This is so nice, the heart felt passion just glows off of this peice. I think that perhaps you could make the ending a couplet and rhyme heart with art. I think that it would draw a nice closure to the peice. By making the ending unique then perhaps you would be making your lover even more so. You could also cut a bit of the punctuation out. If you did so I think that this peice would just flow so much better and smoothe out that sense of love. Others than that I really like this peice, I hope your love last forever. Thanks for the read, PEACE.
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      Your words about her alone, make you an artist too. I seems as if, you are each others inpiration.

    This is a very beautiful picture painted with the colors of love.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      A beautiful sentiment expressed with honesty, and dressed with some very vivid images...

    I think on1eday has a point, you might want to try losing the capitalisation of every line...I think it would emphasise the message of the piece

    "By the rennaisance precision of your hand
    The simple shaft of graphite you grip
    Is the timeless tool with which
    You place scenes of beauty
    Where emptiness once lived"

    This part was just beautiful....very delicate....each line is like a stroke of a paintbrush, adding to the piece, presenting the reader with a work of love in the end...

    The only teeny tiny thing - should be 'renaissance'

    I wish you two many happy years together, and many beautiful, evocative paintings....

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    61560

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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