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The Moment

Author: Malcolm Bishop
Elite Ratio:    2.09 - 355 /189 /39
Words: 71
Class/Type: Poetry /Passion
Total Views: 1499
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 488


Through what ever there is...there is you.

The Moment

Pencil lead sky, birthing moisture, birthing life,
the liquid strikes the skull, quaking my strife.
Thoughts slice the nerves, as a knife,
my heart beats to the drum, beating to the fife.

Garments stuck to the body from clouds' expulsion,
the image of past brings revulsion.
A grin cracks my face, wondrous convulsion.

With the taste of cool, delicious rain,
all is soothed, no more pain.

I live.

Submitted on 2005-06-05 06:08:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


. The begging of this was very vivid, very striking...
it hooked me flows very smooth and nice...
but the ending is what I enjoyed the most...
this is where it all comes to life for you ( no pun intended)
"With the taste of cool, delicious rain,
all is soothed, no more pain."
this line is flawless to me...
the middle is where...I was kinda disappointed...
"clouds' expulsion,"...thunder and rain...I get it...
I just don't like the way it comes off...
to harsh for the feel of this poem..for me that is

but a very exceptional piece...
i am glad i stopped by

| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
  Some of the language here is lovely, especially that first line, it's a real bombshell.
However I think you've tied yourself down with your rhyme scheme here, a very large number of complete rhymes like this just doesn't do it for me. I'm really not fond of the way it reads, it makes the poem feel and read restricted.
I'd suggest you try more work in free-verse or with a more forgiving rhyme scheme. Also, look into things like half-rhymes and assonance.
You have such wonderful use of language that it'd be a real shame to let it down with unwieldy rhyme schemes.
| Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
  interresting photo...are you a fighter? maybe we can train sometime! ha ha...i found this to be strange and i did not really understand it all, i like the metaphor'es and use of language, it made me think about martial arts and me training days, but maybe that was just the influence of your picture...i will read more of your work! czesc{bye}
| Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by orpheus | [ Reply to This ]
  "my heart beats to the drum, beating to the fife." I very much so enjoyed that line. It sticks to me. The only I would suggest is personify the sky with your "clouds'" explosion. Make it "Cloud's" or something. I just think it would add structure. Thanks for the comments on "Vast Blue" by the way!
| Posted on 2005-08-19 00:00:00 | by Twila | [ Reply to This ]
  I have this image of you standing in the rain, letting all the hurt and pain get washed away in puddles at your feet.
I sometimes like the rain myself, and have added that in a few of my writes.
I really like the subtleness of this poem.. I had to read it a couple of times to get the full effect, which makes a great write.
I can't find anything to critique.

"A grin cracks my face, wondrous convulsion"

I love your wording throughout this write.

| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  I wanted to find something to critique about this poem but i fell short. I dont know what else to say but compliments. It was simply wonderful. I could almost feel like I was there.
| Posted on 2005-06-19 00:00:00 | by rocknpoetrychik | [ Reply to This ]
  i love the beginning, and the middle! it was very descriptive until u got to the end! maybe you should work on that just a little bit more kinda close it down slowly and not so fast! but otherwise it was awesome! good job!keep writing!
~akaila evonne~
| Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ]

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