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    dots Submission Name: Promisesdots

    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 820
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1120


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    Please sing, my dear friend
    If you do Iíll give you a treat
    For I am dying and need your voice
    One last time before morning

    Please sing, my dear friend
    If you do Iíll let you see the stars
    For I am dying and need your voice
    One last time before morning

    Please sing, my dear friend
    If you do Iíll unlock your chains
    For I am dying and need your voice
    One last time before morning

    Please sing, my dear friend
    Even though I am out of treats
    For I am dying and need your voice
    One last time before morning

    Please sing, my dear friend
    Even though the stars are hiding
    For I am dying and need your voice
    One last time before morning

    Please sing, my dear friend
    Even though Iíve lost the keys
    For I am dying and need your voice
    One last time before morning

    No need to sing, my dear friend
    I know Iíve asked too much
    For morningís here and I have lied
    And you are the one who is dead

    Submitted on 2005-06-05 10:03:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    This is quite good..
    I didnt expect that..

    Kind of sounds so sweet till the second last stanza.. when he says he lost the keys.. at that point i kindof thought he was hiding somehting..

    wow.. wow..

    the simplicity and repition in this is deceiving.. It really hit me at the end..
    I dont really know what this is about.. could be a parrot in a cage.. sounds more human to me though..

    The man (if its a man) comes across as a really horrible person.. He did not let her free for even one night.. sends shivers down my spine..

    this is an awesome peice..

    | Posted on 2006-06-18 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ]
      I did like it. >_< It was interesting, like something I never read before. I'm not really quite sure on the meaning, though, I have to a lot to learn about poetry, anyway, I'm only 13...so even if the meaning is obvious, I'm confised on it. I like the symbolism with the keys and the stars, though toward the end. It was interesting, and made for a good read. I don't see anything I would change. Keep up the good work.

    -Lexie <33
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by RawrFlowers | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa... not sure what to think about this one I can't relate. I do know it hold much more than I see, I can feel it, it seems very emotionally powerful and though the repetition of the last two lines of the stanzas seems poor to me, I think if I knew the deeper purpose of this piece it would change my view on that. Good flow, interesting symbolism with stars and keys, I'd like to know more about this one.

    Take care,
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      I could initally envision an elderly or ill person wanting a song and later figured it might be a song from a bird. Good direction to the reader even though you use a good part of your words as a refrain. The refrain did not detract, although I thought it might as soon as I detected it.

    I felt the person was lonely and sad and would like a song to get cheered up, I don't know if I bought the idea of actually dying before morning (hard to know).

    The twist at the end was very good, between "lost the keys", "I have lied", and "you are the one who is dead." Maybe it was the singer that the speaker was trying to cheer up, knowing that it was about to die.

    Very good and original, I would not change it.
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a strange one... I like the twist at the end... but don't really understand why the friend is dead, it's not clear. Also on first read through i found the repetition annoying, but that's probably just because i wanted to get to the end to find out what happens. On second read through i can see it does actually help to hold the piece together. I think this would work well as a song, mainly because of the repetition. I'm still confused by what's happening though... xxx
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      ok no offense ment by this but the reppititousness of this [censored] blows. yep normally i give you good feedback because normally you deserve it but i had to force my way through this and i only did because i respect you as a writer and i figured you'd give me the chance so i'll do the same.

    what i see in this is those........unfullfillable promises.

    the one's that both people involved should see as so, but rarely is that the case.

    the singing seems more metaphorical than anything. not that it may not apply to you in a more phsical way but it's role seems to be more metaphorical of something deeper rooted. i see it more along the lines of like praise or brimming happiness or something along those lines. that's what i see. so to me it's like at the begging making all those un fullfillable promises. hoping that tomorrow will be better. just like that little high a relationship(not neccesarily just intimate or romantic) can get from hope. sort of like when things start getting bad just acting like they were when they were good in order to get a little buzz off of that.

    and in this i get this feel of like a realization of sorts.

    in all the beggining lines it was al about "me" so to say.

    but at the end it seems like there's a realization in all of this as to the other person being hurt.

    so bottom line for this write. it's written well and has alot of depth and interpretive statements. but the repition just ruined it for me.

    more of a personal dislike, but still very respected.


    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree with the above comments that state that the repetition in this poem is its downfall. Personallt I think thats what makes it great, it reminds me of a bird singing over and over in desperation and the repetition gives it that tone of someone pleading in desperation. for me it reminded me of not wanting the person you've just slept with to get out of bed in the morning incase they don't come back, I'm probably completely off the mark but dats wat I got from this poem. I felt the emotions in this poem as I read it. Beautiful.
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by popular_myth | [ Reply to This ]

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