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    dots Submission Name: Unstructure Medots

    Author: Stwcjj
    ASL Info:    27/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 327/149/13
    Words: 38
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1363
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 426

       abcdefg that's how you unstructure me

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnstructure Medots

    Abandoning all
    beliefs. Besieged by
    Chaotic conflict.
    Despair destroying
    Falling fast.
    I inject
    Lost love
    Pain punctuates
    unrelentingly, until.......


    Submitted on 2005-06-05 14:22:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good poem. I like the way you wrote this and its presentation really adds character to this piece as it gives you the sense of falling as it is read. It speaks of a wonderful feeling that when found erases all the awful sadness and emptyness in life. The poem reads as dispair and sadness but then with one single word at the end it changes the entire meaning of the write and that is really good. It truly is amazing how one person can change an unbearable existance into a beautiful and happy beginning. Wonderful poem! Take care!

    | Posted on 2005-10-05 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Reading it is a little scary, it inflicts a feeling of unrelenting loss of place. Falling swiftly without time to think. It simplistic but at the same time, worth reading twice. Loved the vocabulary. I love a few sentences in there...not going to copy and past...but it was a great read.
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow....very powerful, very striking...each word is like a blow, a slap in the face, right up until that very last 'you'....which is a combination of curse and blessing in its intensity...Very impressive.

    I would think about ditching punctuation here, though, as you are using line breaks quite effectively to emphasise your message. Also, I think you can play around with capitalisation...you dont need to capitalise each line, IMHO..

    Just some thoughts, so feel free to disregard them - what you have here is a very powerful poem of feeling...

    All the best

    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      It's like everything, every part of you is lost and falling into oblivion, shaken and turned upside down... all previous beliefs are gone...and you're trying desparately to hang on to a last thread of hope.
    and then... suddenly "someone" just happens into your life and sets it all back up right again.
    A very nice write. I enjoyed the read.
    Take care!
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I could really feel the cascade here of everything in your life. It reminded me of a rock my son threw down a steep hill yesterday. I banged of this, bounced of that falling into a canyon, occasionally taking other rocks with it.

    At the bottom for you, a savior. A sudden, surprising savior.

    Nicely written. Thank the person for us. I'm glad you were saved.

    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Mmm... beautiful word choice here, a real mixture of raw emotions made all the more poignant by the small selection of words (Im a big believer in less is more). Couples like 'Pain punctuates' and 'Chaotic conflict' really come out strikingly, and my favoutire line 'I inject jaded karma' - great stuff. Look forward to reading more of your work.
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Von Django | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW... that was good. good choice of words... It empowers so many feelings in so few words. I love it. It goes form one emotion to another in just one word "you". I love it. keep up the good poems and i wish you the best. hope to see some posts form you on mine. You really seem to knwo poetry
    InYuco Katan
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by InYuco Katan | [ Reply to This ]
      I found it rather depressing. But captavating. You say how it feels when you feel as if you have nothing. These feelings are shown so well in this poem its a great write.
    I love the ending its like a twist at the end of a sad movie that makes you cry with happiness. The feeling of complete happiness when you find that one person is amazing.
    Great write keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by Natie | [ Reply to This ]
      in a way i see this as very romantic. life doesn't seem complete until you find someone to share it with. wether that be a love or a true best friend, they just seem to make things better and life seem a little easier. i love the form you used on this, i am in awe of you for it.

    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      This was awesome! <@> loved how the words tumbled down, falling, almost like an avalanche & then the You...like a nice air bag to catch all that!
    You Rock & Roll Man!
    Love, Peace, Joy! epiphanator ; > }
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent presentation that holds the readers emotions from the powerful beginning to the fantastic ending...great poetry... and etc.

    `always write poetry, Cheryl.
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]
      This was Great! I've seen people try to do things similar to this (I think I tried once) I believe it takes a great deal of telent and creativity to be able to pull this off, and you did it beautifully. Wow. I'm in love with this piece lol. Thank you for this. It was incredible. Be well
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this a lot...i love it when you write with a serious tone. i love the way these one word stanzas link together to create the flow. very nice and now i'm on to the next one...this girl who saved you must really be something.

    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      jaded karma- would that be a slight oxymoron? ;)

    The chaos that is meter draws from this work, but other than that, I happen to like your alphabetical approach to wordsmithing. I feel like I'm fallinginto the last line, lol. It's one of those "hold your breath" moments. Taking the focus off of yourself and throwing it into the face of your reader is always a grrrrrreat thing. Wakes em up a bit. Overall: original and refreshing from the long, drawn out, wind bag poets we have (I guess that would be someone like me, eh?)

    Allow me to be cliché: Great write!
    | Posted on 2005-06-12 00:00:00 | by EmeraldJealousy | [ Reply to This ]

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