Description: Well... I couldn't finish re-writing my 4 haikus but I managed to write this down about someone in a time of idealistic ideas, which I say just about sums this up, what do people think?
In Your Town -------------------------------------------
What I would give for soft sunshine
After I've waited for all this time
Nor would I mind a drop of rain
Because with you I can only gain,
And in your town there's a train of thought
No cars in which our minds get caught
And a street with pavement only for you
Winding to keep your life's path true.
What I would give for this piece of mind
A beautiful silence that no one can find
And though I've waited for this day
I don't regret first passing your way,
And in your town there's a sky of blue
No clouds to take my mind off you
And a wind passing the midnight square
Over you and me without a single care.
What I would give for a day in this life
No problems, no pain, no effort, no strife
Only positive emotions filling my scene
Regardless of what has previously been
And in your town there's a star at night
Enduring for hours and shining so bright
And a sunset unparalleled by any other view
And they make me think entirely of you.
And wouldn't it be beautiful
If I could stay in your town,
Where I can go up
And never come down,
And wouldn't it be perfect
If I said I loved you
For you to smile and say
"I love you too."
I really can't find a single mistake and that's unlike me.
You made me feel like you were talking about me, and that made me happy and sad all at the same time.
You know, I have always told myself, I would rather be single and lonely then in a serious relationship with someone who still makes me feel alone. I don't know why but I thought of that because this is so sweet and reminds me of how much me and my man fight.
You made this town of her's to be quite pure and simple. Reminds me of the Walgreens commercials. Anywho, my favorite lines are
And wouldn't it be beautiful If I could stay in your town, Where I can go up And never come down,
You make your sincerity very evident and its very touching how much you want to be with her. The personal high that you described throughout this poem makes the reader get more into it. Your passion comes out clearly through your words and it makes it all the more interesting. My only concern is that the ending lines that I "love", dont quite exactly fit the beginning of the poem. For example, they seem paraphrased. Instead maybe:
Wouldn't it be beautiful to stay in your town, Where I could go up and never come down, [insert more emotions you feel and why you feel them, possibly use a similie?] [express how wonderful it would be staying with her and..... stuff :P ] And wouldn't it be perfect If I said I loved you For you to smile and say "I love you too."
that makes it more like the rest but not taking anything away from it. Just making it less vague. Its also 8 lines. Maybe you want to stear clear from so many "Ands" too, you use them alot towards the end. Just some thoughts,
oh wow...this is so sweet!!i was actually just scanning through but i saw the last stanza and it somehow stood out to me..how powerful those words were still astounded me..that was amazing!
Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a town like this! No problems, no pain, no effort, no strife You seem to have deep thoughts for someone of your tender young age. Nice piece..I enjoyed reading it.
A very lovely image of a calm and peaceful place. I found these lines to be quite clever in presentation...
"And in your town there's a train of thought No cars in which our minds get caught And a street with pavement only for you Winding to keep your life's path true."
... the way you weaved "train and cars" with "thoughts and mind"... and the winding street/life's path. < very nice!
I enjoyed the entire read.. yet the last stanza seems to need a bit extra. But overall a great job on this.
As I was reading this I was fondly picturing a soft Vincent Van Gogh painting. We all wish for idealism and maybe 1 day we'll all figure out it's already within us. You have a great talent and I'm glad I read this first thing this am as it leaves me with a positive, peaceful feeling! Love,Peace,Joy! Great Day & summer 2 u~ ps: thanx for the tips on formatting! epiph ; }
The rhyme scheme on this worked out quite nicely and I wish there was an idealistic place that existed like this (other than in one's mind) :) The only critique I can offer is that it wasn't quite emotion evoking, but everything else was flawless :)
I liked this one a lot. It really captured the feelings(I don't know if it's true, or not? :D) But I really felt the poem and I wish someone wrote me one like that, I probly would have teared up. Hehe. Excellent job, though. It was rather original, never seen a love poem like this one before. The one thing I would change is the last couple lines, didn't seem like they went to well together. But, I loved this poem.
this is really good more often than not ryhming poems are kinda lame...but this one is pulled off with style...you repeat some lines...but are not overly repeatative...this has a good message and a good follow through...it is very hopful and that is good to see
james this is gorgeous! it reminds me of my dreams, looking at someone else's life you wish you could be apart of and how they look at their friends and family and town and how its so beautiful you wish they looked at you that way. and maybe i got this wrong, but i loved reading it. definently a favorite hope to talk to you soon, -steph
Hmmmm Wow, that was beautiful. That was absolutely beautiful. Definetly one for the favorites. Nice ryhme, great wording and visualization. I thought that it was incredible, I think...hmmm I can't even think, I mean it was perfect. I've tried before but that was better than anything I ever could ever have come up with. Maybe the only thing about it is the punctuation but other than that it was original, and creative and absolutely mindblowing. The feeling is straight from the heart. Trust me, I know those feelings and that is definetly a perfect description. And pardon me if I use these words over again but I'm just taken aback by this work. I look forward to reading more. Great job. Keep it up. Joe
Wait, why do you need to redo your haikus? They're perfect the way ther are if i remember correctly :-) Been a while eh Jim?
Anyways, this poem probably just desribed what i imagine Heaven to be. To be in such a place with so much peace. Makes me feel all good inside just to hear about it. Heh, I see you're affect by the summer weather too. Daydreaming is perfect for this season :-)
Submission Name: In Your Town
lol