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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In Your Towndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 232
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1353
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1422



    Description:
       Well... I couldn't finish re-writing my 4 haikus but I managed to write this down about someone in a time of idealistic ideas, which I say just about sums this up, what do people think?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn Your Towndots
    -------------------------------------------


    What I would give for soft sunshine
    After I've waited for all this time
    Nor would I mind a drop of rain
    Because with you I can only gain,
    And in your town there's a train of thought
    No cars in which our minds get caught
    And a street with pavement only for you
    Winding to keep your life's path true.

    What I would give for this piece of mind
    A beautiful silence that no one can find
    And though I've waited for this day
    I don't regret first passing your way,
    And in your town there's a sky of blue
    No clouds to take my mind off you
    And a wind passing the midnight square
    Over you and me without a single care.

    What I would give for a day in this life
    No problems, no pain, no effort, no strife
    Only positive emotions filling my scene
    Regardless of what has previously been
    And in your town there's a star at night
    Enduring for hours and shining so bright
    And a sunset unparalleled by any other view
    And they make me think entirely of you.

    And wouldn't it be beautiful
    If I could stay in your town,
    Where I can go up
    And never come down,
    And wouldn't it be perfect
    If I said I loved you
    For you to smile and say
    "I love you too."




    Submitted on 2005-06-05 14:42:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      *Loved* it.

    I really can't find a single mistake and that's unlike me.
    You made me feel like you were talking about me, and that made me happy and sad all at the same time.

    You know, I have always told myself, I would rather be single and lonely then in a serious relationship with someone who still makes me feel alone. I don't know why but I thought of that because this is so sweet and reminds me of how much me and my man fight.

    So, now I am sad, and it's all your fault.

    Gosh... you owe me an apology.

    lol

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      You made this town of her's to be quite pure and simple. Reminds me of the Walgreens commercials. Anywho, my favorite lines are

    And wouldn't it be beautiful
    If I could stay in your town,
    Where I can go up
    And never come down,

    You make your sincerity very evident and its very touching how much you want to be with her. The personal high that you described throughout this poem makes the reader get more into it. Your passion comes out clearly through your words and it makes it all the more interesting. My only concern is that the ending lines that I "love", dont quite exactly fit the beginning of the poem. For example, they seem paraphrased. Instead maybe:

    Wouldn't it be beautiful to stay in your town,
    Where I could go up and never come down,
    [insert more emotions you feel and why
    you feel them, possibly use a similie?]
    [express how wonderful it would be staying with her and..... stuff :P ]
    And wouldn't it be perfect If I said I loved you
    For you to smile and say "I love you too."

    that makes it more like the rest but not taking anything away from it. Just making it less vague. Its also 8 lines. Maybe you want to stear clear from so many "Ands" too, you use them alot towards the end. Just some thoughts,

    peace,
    ~+~
    Jan

    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow...this is so sweet!!i was actually just scanning through but i saw the last stanza and it somehow stood out to me..how powerful those words were still astounded me..that was amazing!
    | Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by EsCaPisT | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautifully written
    This write flowed very well and carried an incredible amount of emotion
    I really enjoyed reading this

    Thank You for the recent comments
    I am happy you not only like but understand my poetry
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a town like this!
    No problems, no pain, no effort, no strife
    You seem to have deep thoughts for someone of your tender young age.
    Nice piece..I enjoyed reading it.

    DJ
    | Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by Doris Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      The flow of this write was good as was rhyme scheme, the wording and conveyance of the idea was good. It is a genuine piece, nice work.
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      A very lovely image of a calm and peaceful place.
    I found these lines to be quite clever in presentation...

    "And in your town there's a train of thought
    No cars in which our minds get caught
    And a street with pavement only for you
    Winding to keep your life's path true."

    ... the way you weaved "train and cars" with "thoughts and mind"... and the winding street/life's path. < very nice!

    I enjoyed the entire read.. yet the last stanza seems to need a bit extra. But overall a great job on this.

    Take care!
    ~ Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      As I was reading this I was fondly picturing a soft Vincent Van Gogh painting. We all wish for idealism and maybe 1 day we'll all figure out it's already within us.
    You have a great talent and I'm glad I read this first thing this am as it leaves me with a positive, peaceful feeling!
    Love,Peace,Joy! Great Day & summer 2 u~
    ps: thanx for the tips on formatting! epiph ; }
    | Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyme scheme on this worked out quite nicely and I wish there was an idealistic place that existed like this (other than in one's mind) :) The only critique I can offer is that it wasn't quite emotion evoking, but everything else was flawless :)

    Good luck on the haiku's!

    StW
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this one a lot. It really captured the feelings(I don't know if it's true, or not? :D) But I really felt the poem and I wish someone wrote me one like that, I probly would have teared up. Hehe. Excellent job, though. It was rather original, never seen a love poem like this one before. The one thing I would change is the last couple lines, didn't seem like they went to well together. But, I loved this poem.
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Lil Nick | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really good
    more often than not ryhming poems are kinda lame...but this one is pulled off with style...you repeat some lines...but are not overly repeatative...this has a good message and a good follow through...it is very hopful and that is good to see

    on the flipside
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
      james this is gorgeous! it reminds me of my dreams, looking at someone else's life you wish you could be apart of and how they look at their friends and family and town and how its so beautiful you wish they looked at you that way. and maybe i got this wrong, but i loved reading it. definently a favorite
    hope to talk to you soon, -steph
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      it was sweet. words of love. the rhyming was unique except for

    Only positive emotions filling my scene
    Regardless of what has previously been

    dont know. didnt go to well to me.

    their wasnt that much emotion. words really didnt stand out to much and give you a feeling.

    -soomie
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmmm Wow, that was beautiful. That was absolutely beautiful. Definetly one for the favorites. Nice ryhme, great wording and visualization. I thought that it was incredible, I think...hmmm I can't even think, I mean it was perfect. I've tried before but that was better than anything I ever could ever have come up with. Maybe the only thing about it is the punctuation but other than that it was original, and creative and absolutely mindblowing. The feeling is straight from the heart. Trust me, I know those feelings and that is definetly a perfect description. And pardon me if I use these words over again but I'm just taken aback by this work. I look forward to reading more. Great job. Keep it up.
    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-06-13 00:00:00 | by Restless_Heart | [ Reply to This ]
      Wait, why do you need to redo your haikus? They're perfect the way ther are if i remember correctly :-) Been a while eh Jim?

    Anyways, this poem probably just desribed what i imagine Heaven to be. To be in such a place with so much peace. Makes me feel all good inside just to hear about it. Heh, I see you're affect by the summer weather too. Daydreaming is perfect for this season :-)

    Aken Sol
    | Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Aken Sol | [ Reply to This ]


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