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rain revival

Author: sudie
ASL Info:    18/ f / virginia
Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 182 /195 /51
Words: 62
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1267
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 403


rain revival

droplets melt into my pulse
singeing a melody through my skin
sprinklets dance upon my palm
their gelid prickle
cause my fingers to twitch

revival is the word of the day.
to think of the rain
as it sifts through my body
is to recognize its route
through my weary soul

to feel is to know
a cleansing salvation.

Submitted on 2005-06-05 15:23:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  its soothing. ur good at saying a lot about one experience- at analyzing it.u do a good job of showing how significant and revitalizing something so simple as standing in the rain can feel
beny c
| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by bugaboo | [ Reply to This ]
  It is reviving isn't it, and your poem reminds us very well. I really like the way the rain sifts through rather than around.
| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm gonna analyze every line of this poem. Sorry if I bash it a bit- I'm just trying to make it a better poem [even though it's already pretty good].

droplets melt into my pulse

I love this first line- and it's an awesome starter. It gets the reader interested, get them into the words. However, maybe if you changed it to something like, "Water drops melt into my pulse", to make it a bit clearer just WHAT kind of droplets you're talking about. It also goes well with the whole 'pulse' thing, because blood is liquid... ya know what I mean.

singeing a melody through my skin

I'm not too sure, but is "singeing" spelled right? It might be, but it just doesn't seem right to me. The burning sensation that you give the reader [me] is a good idea. Also, the way you combine music and rain together r o c k s. But you could change it to, "singeing a melody into my core". That might give the effect of the rain sinking INTO you, not just bouncing off of your body or "singeing" it.

sprinklets dance upon my palm

Ehh. This line's not so hot. And what's with the whole "droplets" and "sprinklets" thing? It just seems... well... kind of forced. Catch my drift? Maybe you could change it so that it doesn't say "sprinklets". Kind of weird. And is that even a word?

their gelid prickle

...Huh? I have no idea what 'gelid' is... did you mean 'gentle"? Somehow, I don't thinkn so, since that would have been a pretty big typo. But "Their gentle prickle" would work fine, if you made it longer somehow. I mean, all the other lines are a few syllables longer than this one. It threw me off a bit.

cause my fingers to twitch

That line makes you seem like a spastic dancer or something. Or a rabbit. Hmm. Somehow, I don't get the feeling that you were shootinig for that kind of impression. So, change it.

revival is the word of the day.

I don't have a problem with that line, but I don't really like it that much, either. No idea why- I just dont. ^ ^

to think of the rain
as it sifts through my body

Those two are good lines. Separated, they're nothing much, but together? They rock. Sift, sift, sift. Say THAT ten times fast. But back to what I'm supposed to be writing about.

is to recognize its route
through my weary soul

...where does the rain go? you say that there is a route through your weary soul... How do you get out? How did it get in? If you explained these things a bit better, it would be more interesting.

to feel is to know
a cleansing salvation.

I didn't like your ending as much as I liked your beginning. I think that you started out strong, but by the end, your poem had deteriorated. At first you had a good idea of where you were going to go, but it's like you forgot.

Keep it up.

YouR oNe aND oNLY... JeLLY BeaN!
| Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
  Goodness gracious that person had a lot to say to you! But I really enjoyed this, I think it's another favourites addition - sorry it took me so long to get here. but this is really really nifty, it made me go *woah* and then i had to think about it, only then i started thinking about how hot and yucky it is and how nice it would be if it just like started pouring...okay, i'm off to fantasize about rain
Keep Writing!
| Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  hey this is nice... really innocent and honest.. ah refreshing is the word.. I like it alot man.. simple but awesome.. dewdrops on the skin are great.. and when you feel a drop of rain and there are no clouds in sight... awesome..
| Posted on 2005-06-13 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ]

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