Description: This is one of my very first attempts at rhyming. As you can see, I don't do it very well, that's why I hardly ever write anything that rhymes.
Any suggestions on this would be greatly appreciated.
Flames Of My Fate -------------------------------------------
On the edge of the fire
I burn from the flames
I'm blinded by hatred
As I scream out your name.
I have but a vision
Too haunting and old
Of a face long forgotten
A love that's grown cold.
In a flicker of firelight
I die from the heat
I can taste the betrayal
I know the deceit.
In a whirl of smoke
I sigh in despair
In the pits of my hell
I struggle for air.
The light of the infernal
Tells me there's no end
Your memory is a torture
That will burn me again.
I write rhyming poetry all the time - and find it incredibly hard to do well. This rhymes and you haven't done some of the most common rhyming mistakes - things like changing your sentence structure to affect your rhyme.
However, it's still not up to your other writing. For one thing, you've lost creativity in focusing on rhyme. By that, I mean that it's riddled with clichés - which I don't think you'd normally do - because you're trying so hard to do a good rhyme. Examples? 'blinded by hatred' ' face long forgotten' 'love that's grown cold' 'sigh in despair' 'pits of hell' 'there's no end' - need I go on?
I would suggest taking the main line in each stanza, the one line you just don't want to give up - and reworking the stanza around that. Add to your favorites a good thesaurus (Thesaurus.com is a good one and free!) and a good rhyming dictionary (try Rhymezone.com - also free!). If you just can't get a good rhyme, then change the word you're trying to rhyme. Unless you're using a chisel, nothing is carved in stone and it's your piece so you can change it however you want!
Don't give up on rhyming poetry. It's a valid art form - despite what those uncreative types on ES who refuse to write in rhyme think! It's a stretching exercise to write in rhyme, as you found out!
hi there, well you are indeed humble in your description, and that is endearing. it seems clear that you know how tricky rhyming can be, and i am not going to sit here and rip your piece to bits because you made it rhyme because that was your intention, to give it a go. and so there you go. i have nothing to offer on your rhyme scheme because in the main it works for what you wanted to do and it does indeed rhyme and the meter and such all seems well. and i am no expert because i fond rhyming in general too constrictive.
i would be interested to see what you thought of this exercise. what would this piece look like if you had not had to make it rhyme. my thoughts are that it would be more natural and organic. it is very structured at the moment, but then it has to be. there are a few clichés in here with hell and fire and their resultant emotions, but again they could be because of the restriction that rhyme brings along with it.
so, job done. but if you decide to give this a go without rhyme i would be interested to see how it turns out and compares to this, take care on1eday.co.uk
This is nice work. It flows really well and you've succeeded in your goal of rhyming.
More importantly, there's emotion here. You haven't lost the soul by creating the rhyme. To me, that's the key. Like on1eday, I shy away from rhyme and structure because I don't like the limits it forces on me.
I'm a bit curious about your creative process. You mention you're new to rhyming, but your end results are good. Do you think of an image and then find the words? Do you let the words guide you to an image?
Its nice.. the rhyming works ok.. angsty type thing.. mm.. not my thing.. but very descriptive.. and weird really.. (I know this is a lame comment .. sorry) shaun
Submission Name: Flames Of My Fate
