Description: Feedback? the usual tell me what you think....there is actually apart of a "series" of poems...for example there is "The Next Five Seconds"..and maybe "The Last Five Seconds"....enjoy.
The First Five Seconds... -------------------------------------------
As you were walking by
our eyes met and...
the feeling of being desired
caused a swagger in my walk.
Your eyes peered through my heart
and left a warm residue inside.
The thought of you being near
brought lotion to my skin and
sheen to my hair.
Your silent voice decimated my immunity system
and left my body unarmed
against your unspoken words.
Unexpected expectations brought sugar to my voice,
and my anticipation of implications
put a sparkle in my eyes.
I love the idea of this as a series, I reckon you should write a "First Spoken" a "First Date" and please please write the Last 5 seconds I want to read that so much
I like the things you notice in this of the changes to your body.
The lotion line was really well put, If I get it right anyway.
But I'm really sorry to say, this doesn't seem to have the same flow as your other pieces.
I'd like it better if you went into a litt;le more detail with this, the idea is really great and deserves more put into it.
very creative.. i really loved how you portrayed that first moment of an electric connection.. you really feel it.. like it was stated before, you could easily fallen into cliché "heart skipped a beat", etc.. but not at all did this breach that barrier.. totally original and fluid read.. the language was refreshing.. it flowed easily you captured the feelings/emotions so vividly. . i had some suggestions at first(immunity system to immune system), but i decided they're not really needed; the poem's correct as is(near as i can tell).. good real altogether and i can't really give you anything more to work with.. easily relatable and understandable; overall, it was a nice read, so elegantly written.. keep it up. . . pZ out =o)
I like this, a detailed description of that fleeting feeling a glance creates...
You have some interesting imagery here..
"the feeling of being desired caused a swagger in my walk."
This was really well done, in my opinion...you stayed away from the cliché 'your glance stopped me' or something of the kind, and created a personal impression of the experience..
I dont think you need the ellipsis in the second line, though - your line break indicates the necessary pause..
"The thought of you being near brought lotion to my skin and sheen to my hair."
Love the indication of the hormonal reaction of a body to desire...very delicately described here...really nice
Im not too sure about the ending, though...I think its the 'sugar to my voice'...its a bit too sweet, if you know what I mean...
But I think this is a very interesting description of a chance meetingo, and it would be cool if you wrote more...
I love the thought behind this, awesome! I can relate too, hopefully it's normal for a guy to have the same sort of feelings, I have them when my eyes meet hers, it's crazy how fast we are moving inside abnd how slow the world reacts, I can't say enough how much I enjoyed this, great write. One critique, change immunity system to immune system, :-)
Submission Name: The First Five Seconds...
