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    dots Submission Name: left for the nightdots

    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 140
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 587
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 814

       please comment.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsleft for the nightdots

    Even though you left for the night
    I still can feel you lips upon mine.
    The touch you left behind makes my mind intertwine.
    The look in your eyes made it as you we're giving me the sign.
    You 5'9 god damn you looking fine
    If one of those boys walk by and don't look at you a second time.
    They should be paying a fine.
    I can't believe he hit you.
    even though youre so sweet
    that no one competes.
    He yells at you
    even though it seems you fell from the heavens.
    But now your with me
    so don't worry no more.
    I will hold you tight
    we can dance under the moonlight.
    I can't let you out of my sight
    You are just to beautiful.
    I hope this love can last for ever.

    Submitted on 2005-06-06 16:57:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hmm It was good, but the rhyming scheme in the beginning is alittle too much and you used fine too often. The end was nice though it could have ended better but i thought it was alright. heh sounds like your in love. Nice work. Bye
    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by DeadVoodooDoll | [ Reply to This ]
      this is okay, obviously love there, but it didn't flow well, the rhyming seems a bit rushed, but it was a decent read...try to be less direct. Good job though.

    | Posted on 2005-06-06 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
      this one was short but it was fine, there are a few spelling errors that need to be fixed, the flow of the poem is kinda chopy for me, where as you have it and then it just stops, the ending of the poem is also really blunt it is just like boom dead, and yes it is another love poem (I don't like love poems, not that, that means anything) but in this poem you can see that you like this girl a lot and that it is unfair when a parent is yelling and screaming for no reason, it seems.
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]

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