I liken it to stumbling backwards
not sure of where your steps misled you
but almost sure you won't fall directly on your ass
Could have been the carpet
or a stressful dillusions from a
cluttered bookshelf yet still,
theres something there to be said in feeling the energy of the uneasy
Its a bit like wet spot on pavement
on a devastatingly hot day
My ice cream cone is lobsided
I lick wrong and it floats to the ground
leaving a dry spot soaked.
I take a step back and not to slip on my own rocky road I reach for a napkin and catch myself on the shelf
Red faced and light headed
I leave nothing to pretense.
Coming from a person who is very light on there feet, I know what you feel. I have my days when it feels like my feet just arent listening to my brain,and I fall, nudge the end of the table, or trip over myself or something else. Which is wh I think this is really funny, there are parts that you can get to shine better, but its not to bad. I can;t seem to help but notice weird things on the ground, especially something like ice cream. except for a few things, this is pretty good. Kacey
I liken it to stumbling backwards I leave nothing to pretense. Red faced and light headed reach for a napkin and catch myself on the shelf I take a step back and not to slip on my own rocky road I leaving a dry spot soaked I lick wrong and it floats to the ground My ice cream cone is lobsided on a devastatingly hot day Its a bit like wet spot on pavement not sure of where your steps misled you but almost sure you won't fall directly on your ass Could have been the carpet or a stressful dillusions from a cluttered bookshelf yet still, there's something there to be said in the feeling the energy of the uneasy
then i read the lines at random. i read this piece in so many ways but so much of it remains wonderfully charlie brown - the soulful sigh and resigned to the place where he has fallen flat on his back, fallen for lucy's football trick again. you can't really feel sorry about it, but you are not unmoved by his faith and desires to greatness.
but back to you. i love how this reads like Southern wisdom, from an old guy in clean but worn overalls telling you all you need to know about fishing, all the while spittin' in a spitoon and crinkling the corners of his eyes up at the sun from underneath a wide brimmed hat. you don't expect to learn much from him and you walk away with more than just the right way how to cast your line. thanks for this.
Ok Im gonna get the grammar issues out of the way first, as they really stand out when someone other than the author reads a piece of writing....
"or a stressful dillusions from" - 'delusions', not 'dillusions', and you need to sort out the number agreement. Cant have 'a' (singular article) and then a plural noun...so either drop the 'a' or the 's'
"theres" - missed an apostrophe (there's)
Also, I dont think you need the second 'there'...you could just have that line read "something to be said in feeling..."
"Its" - need an apostrophe there too
"lopsided" instead of "lobsided"
And that's it for my nitpicking grammar things
I like this poem, it has some interesting images, and the ice cream analogy is interesting. The only thing I'd suggest it maybe break it up a little, so it doesn't feel overloaded. For example,
" I take a step back and not to slip on my own rocky road i reach for a napkin and catch myself on the shelf "
This like feels a little too long...making the reader stumble...I think you need to get rid of the first 'and' break it into a few more lines...something like
"I take a step back in order not to slip on my own rocky road reach for a napkin and catch myself on the shelf "
This way, the word play on 'rocky road' is more noticeable (very nicely done, by the way) Thats just a thought though, so feel free to disregard...
Right, I hope this helps, and you haven't found my nitpicking irritating
you're very matter of fact. it's refreshing that you don't hide everything under fluffy metaphors.
since katia's taken care of the grammatical stuff, let's see what i can say...
do you need to start the poem with "i"? could you perhaps reword it to "like stumbling backwards...", that way you start directly in the action, rather than with a breather?
"directly on your ass" made me smile; i don't think that was your intention, was it? while honesty is a nice virtue, and the line certainly adds to your style...it kind of stands out to me, when compared to the serious nature of the rest of the poem.
"feeling the energy of the uneasy" i like this imagery, a different take on nervous energy :)
"My ice cream cone is lobsided I lick wrong and it floats to the ground" maybe, since you say the cone is lopsided, you could change the second line to say "one wrong lick and it floats to the ground"; just one of those instances, when you don't *need* to use "i".
"leaving a dry spot soaked" i like the alliteration, as well as the image.
"not to slip on my own rocky road" again, i like the image, play on words.
"I leave nothing to pretense." is pretense, then, the "it" throughout the poem? falsehood is walking backwards? i think which definition of pretense you mean, makes a lot of difference here...
overall, pretty good. i liked the rhythm and the imagery is wonderful, but because you use "it" and then end with such a strong statement, and jump from image to image, i can't really find coherency. but it might just be me. ::shrugs:: i mean, it flows, but just something about it...oh well. if i figure it out, i'll let you know.
Submission Name: untitled
