Description: Well, I've been writing alot of poems about myself and who I am. This is a little different though because it is basically about my alias. I'm not sure how well exactly it descibes why I chose it but it gives you an idea. :/
I've had alot of nightmares with that scenario growing up. I think it expresses alot of fear and helplessness.
I'm drowning In a desert
Quicksand? Helplessness again and no way to pull yourself out of that feeling.
I'm falling When laying down
This makes me think of a time not to far back when the shock wore off from losing someone really dear to me. I was so depressed, I'd try to keep myself busy, but I'd get so tired and worn out that I didn't feel like doing anything or being around anyone. As soon as I'd stop and sit back or lay down to relax I'd get so overwhelmed with sadness, longing, and melancholy. The situation was alot more complex than I described and because of that I couldn't talk to anyone about it. The feelings were inescapable and I couldn't, and still can't, do anything to change the situation. It continues to haunts me. Probably always will. :(
I'm dying And yet living
Going through the motions, continuing on. Only surviving.
I'm burning In mid - winter
Angry all the time?
I'm lonely But not alone
Lonely for someone you can truly connect with.
I'm a goth Praying to Jesus
I don't actually know much or anything about goths, other than the clothes they wear, which I guess is pretty superficial so I won't bother commenting on that.
Last line really sums up the poem well.
This was definitely well worth the time to comment. This poem is really deep. No pretensions here. Honest and clearly written. A definite fave.
You know something? I totally understand this poem... it's like your one thing but not - mixed up in a mixed up world, ya know what I mean? I do like this little poem though and am gonna add it to my favorites list. Take care and have a good week!
oxymorons,oxymorons,oxymorons. This poem is full of them, but that is the way it was ment to be huh. There were some cool parts, like drowning in the desert, goth praying to jesus. you say inthe desription that this is a portrayal of your alias, I think it is more you in some sense. Unless you decided to create the feelings for your alias too. I think that is awkward myself. That is why i think that the feelings in this poem are from within you. Correct me if I'm wrong, by all means. I just seem to look beyond and in between the lines.
I actually liked this. The short, almost abrupt lines and quick made this easy to read and the bluntness was refreshing. I liked the contrast, but I'm not such a fan of the title. It isn't bad, I just feel like this deserves something more. But, that's really up to you.
The only thing I didn't like so much about this was that a few of the contrasts are very cliché, namely screaming/silent and lonely/not alone. I feel like for the lonely/not alone, you could maybe reword it to something like 'I'm lonely/But surrounded by peers" Maybe not that exactly but I think you get what I mean. Also, maybe you should consider adding punctution to further enhance the flow.
I absolutely loved "I'm a goth/Praying to Jesus". I couldn't tell you why, but something about it struck some kind of cord with me.