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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Augustdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Katia
    ASL Info:    23/F/Europe
    Elite Ratio:    6.39 - 586/529/29
    Words: 229
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1140
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1746



    Description:
       Spring cleaning my closet....need to file, label and move along...

    It is what it is, so do with it what you please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAugustdots
    -------------------------------------------


    One word is enough
    To give dozens of strangers
    A reason to fax, email and post us
    On two different continents
    I wanted August
    You chose September

    Baby, September is much more appropriate

    I wanted cornflowers
    You chose roses

    Darling, cornflowers are cheap and silly

    You took my watch
    Whilst I was sleeping
    And set it to a different time
    Because that was one way
    To change my mind

    Honey, you need to shut up and listen to me

    And we Exceled the expenses
    Using our own formula
    (Forgotten excitement) x
    (Pointless investments)
    Add your irritation
    And divide the result by two
    Because we share

    Sweetheart, you’re really shit with finances

    We hid roughly 800 days’ worth of ‘we’
    Behind a one-way door
    Until I leaned on it, wanting out
    And you punched it through
    Splattering blood and splinters
    On my face

    Bitch. Can’t you. Just. Shut up.

    The A&E temporarily mends your hand
    Before surgery
    Temporarily mends our grip
    Before we finally let go

    Before I start desperately kicking at walls
    And ripping apart dreams
    To find at least one bit of paper with my voice on it

    I just don’t fucking care anymore.

    No need to RSVP




    Submitted on 2005-06-07 15:05:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      <applaudes> I like it. The stanza's flow nicely, I like the fact it has two personas each statement that's made it's smooth...well done I feel like a jack ass even trying to really "critique" I'm just a [censored] ed up dude, living in a [censored] ed up world...and your poetry makes great sense. Thank you. I can breathe this piece.

    Ryan B. Wilbur
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this alot. I liked the progression you showed in the male subject, each one of his comments are more harsh then the last. True or not it is a fine tale. It sounds as if a wedding is being planned, then goes up in smoke. Enjoyable write.
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey this is a really aggressive poem. Im getting the impression that a relationship with an ex lover of urs didnt work out, and he was quite the control freak eh? However I reallyliked it. I liked the use of strong language, I can sense a distinct style in your writing, I like how you separate out certain quotes in your narrative to make them stand out to the reader. Very well done. I liked this...
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by freak_like_me | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm scared to say much about this because it is obviously a very emotional write for you. You did well as far as showing the anger, this poem made me think of someone hating to miss somone they grew to hate, heh I hope that makes sense. With the time variation topics in the poem, did the guy move to another country and leave you behind or something like that? I enjoyed this, it's strong, and meaningful. Good job.

    Unspoken
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm all "Oh, Yippee, Katia has a new one!" (as if it isn't bad enough that I said yippee, I had to go and capitalize it too), and I'm reading, and I'm like, "ok, this is kinda cute...where's she gonna go with this?"...then I'm like "'Honey, you need to shut up and listen to me', that's kinda harsh...she shouldn't find that to be charming...maybe it's the way he said it"...then I'm like "okay, they got this cute kinda playful sarcasm,...but, he shouldn't say she's '[censored]' with anything...maybe he works in construction"...and then

    BAM!

    DAMN!

    And from there I can't even do the "I was like" stuff because this is not cute or funny at all. This is very sad and I'm booking a flight to bring warm air balloons and warmer hugs to you right now...If this is your imagination running wild, kudos...very believable. If it's true, I'm so very sorry. And I'm so glad it's over. And I'm bringing Vancrown with me so we can shove splinters up his ass (crownie is a master of martial arts you know)

    I'm glad you were able to express yourself like this. I hope it makes you feel better in some small way...and now I have to disassociate myself from you so I can actually critique this thing (and you're saying "the critique hasn't started yet? OMG!")

    Your use of italics is spot on...you did a wonderful job of masking this as it unfolded, allowing for the high impact at just the right time. The ending was brilliant. I felt it to my very soul. I got chills when I read each of the last few lines...and reading them again now I have chills again.

    The only thing I can find that confuses me at all or feels at all out of place is your use of parenthesis on

    (Forgotten excitement) x
    (Pointless investments)

    I feel that if you choose to use them here you need to include the x within them thus it would read

    (Forgotten excitement x
    Pointless investments)

    because otherwise you you are muliplying an aside with an aside which makes little sense to me, but maybe it's just me...you then follow that with additions to the equation, thus I feel you would be better served to eliminate them altogether. Perhaps you could put a semicolon or an em dash after "Using our own formula"...I'm not sure exactly how to fix it (if you find fixing necessary) seeing that I'm still very caught up in the emotion of the piece and feel like a big jerk even critiquing this at all.

    That's all I have for now. You continue to amaze me and I will now find myself even more anxious to read your next piece.

    And I think August is a better month and cornflowers are much more appropriate than roses (how cliché are roses?) and when we get married you can have the final word on all of these things.

    love and hugs (bigtime)
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty interesting write. I like the lines in italics offset by themselves. It gives an illustration of how seperate you two really were in this imagined relationship. The italics almost adds a chill to his words.
    While August is a lovely title, it was to be an August occasion, after all (even if it was held in September) I think RSVP would also be a dandy moniker.
    Hope this was merely a character study and not first person!
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      oooo...harsh and bitter with a blend of understanding and sorrowful compassion. I liked the formula stanza and how you played it into an emotional equation that was what seems to be one sided calculation...and thats what I got from this...just a one sided relationship where the other was just there as a temorary fix, ya know? Nice write. Have a good one.
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh man...this is awesome. Deep on many levels.

    Italics instead of quotation marks, nice touch, almost subliminal. Then the last italicized statement is your own. You employ this convention to crescendo. Bravo!

    The watch allusion paints a very succinct portrait of 'control'. One of the many references in the poem that you use to convey the sense of your loss of identity. A soul-annihilating circumstance.

    "Add your irritation
    And divide the result by two
    Because we share"

    Hmmm...a sharp turn of words, magnificent.
    Sorry, but "splattering" doesn't seem to fit. My only other suggestion for possible revision is to add exclamation points for emphasis:
    Bitch! Can’t you! Just! Shut up!
    ...or something like that :)

    "Before I start desperately kicking at walls
    And ripping apart dreams
    To find at least one bit of paper with my voice on it

    I just don’t [censored] care anymore.

    No need to RSVP"

    Strong, poignant, and very sad. I felt your pain.

    I'm so glad to have found you here...and your poetry. Your cheerful messages can lift me out of the strangest of brain-humming, sleep-deprived heartaches.

    I often read them and imagine your accent. How it must be as mysterious and wonderful as you are. But your voice, dear Katia, is always most evident in your writing.

    You have a gift for creative self-expression. Do what you will to pay the bills, but whatever you do...keep writing poems to earn a living.
    We live in them too.
    kc
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh wow, Kat. This was...angry. I like that. I must know, is it an inspiration, or is it a story? I'm nosey. I think this is one of my favorite pieces of yours so far hun. I won't say "Keep up the good work", because it's all good. Be well friend
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      I can relate to this one as I was once in an abusive relationship where he was a big time control freak.

    You did such an awesome job of making it so real with just so few words. Well, maybe not a few words but less than some people would use... if you know what I mean. The whole thing was more of a show than a tell, you didn't just state what happened, you described it as though it was happening, but in a way that comes across really good.

    You'll have to forgive me, I've had a bad last few days with the pregnancy and all... not exactly sure if I make any sense right now...

    This is going in my faves. Keep up the great work and look forward to reading more soon.

    Unicorn.
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      well sweetness, we talked about this at length the other night and i just had no idea you would make it THIS powerful! this is not spring cleaning...this is unloading the most horrific in your life in the dumpster!

    BAS*TARD!

    *sigh*

    i hate that you went through that, and it seems so pointless to say "yada, yada, yada this is what will come out of it" you are a strong beautiful, intelligent, sassy woman! you already know what you deserve!

    If you would have left me to become one of THEM i dont know what i would have done! especially with this horses azz!

    im so glad you purged yourself of this..it lets me know you better, and makes you feel better at the same time!

    Now...

    *whispering*

    if you ever want revenge..you know where to find me!

    love ya girl!
    -Nikki
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, so first I was thinking this was talking about a wedding arangement.
    Hmm...
    if this is a true story (which I'm sure would be answered by reading other's comments... but I have to leave in about 3.5 minutes) than you or whomever you are talking about... I hope they've gotten out of the relationship, which it sounds like you/they have.

    But this poem was nicely done. I still think you have this certain flare. There's something different about your work. I like it a lot.

    Thanks,
    Jen
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the way this builds. It starts out calm, a bit detached, then gradually gets bigger and louder as it goes. As a reader, my emotions went from

    "Aw, isn't that sweet" to
    "Why's he screwing with her stuff?" to
    "She needs to dump this guy" to
    "You go girl!"

    I loved the lines

    "We hid roughly 800 days’ worth of ‘we’
    Behind a one-way door
    Until I leaned on it, wanting out"

    It reminds me of Bret Vogel's "Together"

    "You'd lie to me
    Do you remember
    The things we'd hide
    To be together"

    A very, very good poem. I'm deeply sorry you had to go through the pain, but I'm glad you found the courage to share a piece of the results.

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay dear Katia, I have read this so many times. Each time I love it more although it is so uncomfortable for me to read. Especially if I imagine that it is autobiographical. I think this piece is brilliance. Sad, defiant, assured, learned. Picking yourself up and moving on from something you know is not right. Something that probably never was, but we don't always see that at first glance. Even second, third, and fourth.

    There are so many strong places in this piece. I will share some of my favorites:

    "You took my watch
    Whilst I was sleeping
    And set it to a different time
    Because that was one way
    To change my mind"...

    "We hid roughly 800 days’ worth of ‘we’
    Behind a one-way door
    Until I leaned on it, wanting out
    And you punched it through
    Splattering blood and splinters
    On my face"

    ...so glad you are away from this pri-ck as then you might've wound up like the woman in Vancrown's latest.

    "Before I start desperately kicking at walls
    And ripping apart dreams
    To find at least one bit of paper with my voice on it"...

    you have found your voice dear girl and it is welcome in this place and in my ears.

    *R.
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      This is my third time stopping by to read this peice, and I love it more and more each time. The frustration (and that sick elemnt of control) in this relationship you describe was so ([shi-t] what are the words???) ...
    Your sifitng throught the closet (the past) the build up of piles ... post -it notes invitations that are tacked to you.. but they are not yours. the cresedo builds with those quotes you give... and your account becomes more and more dramatic..


    going from...

    Baby, September is much more appropriate


    to

    Bitch. Can’t you. Just. Shut up.


    pushing the date off for a month was a subtle scheme for finding a way our???.. soemtimes we must do these things if *violence* is involved
    this poem has so many so many so many layers.
    I couild rambling on and on forever.. but I should probably stop at this point.

    its all too real..
    you overcame it seems like.. which doesnt surprise me. I'll seee you around soon.
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      Katia . . . oh, my. I wish I could say this is a rare and singular life event, but men on the whole can sometimes be the lowest of creatures in our arrogance. We must learn, I suppose, and hopefully we do. And never disregard our loves, or their opinions, or fail to listen when we should be listening with both ears. It's this kind of perhaps unintentional <maybe not> dismissal that cuts so deep and rendered here as it is, comes off so shockingly clear and disturbing. I think any control freak of either sex who reads this will be in for a rude awakening. This is a poem to change lives and to open eyes to something that can't be emphasized enough.

    Beautifully written, as usual. Another fave, as usual. A window into your life, which maybe isn't so usual, but IS a welcome change of pace. You've done it again, and it's writes like these that make it all worthwhile.
    | Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]


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