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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: No flowers need be present.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 847
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 772



    Description:
       I found this poem on my computer. It was written in January. I had forgotten all about it and reread it again today, thinking, "I wrote this?" Please give me your feedback! I know the ending lines could use some work.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNo flowers need be present.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    No flowers need be present.
    I'd rather much prefer the
    screams and wails of
    little kids, flying kites
    and rollerblading off the
    sidewalk.

    The park lights are not
    dim hues of gold in my eyes,
    but are stars that light the way
    to our golden walkthrough.

    Strolling, humming,
    walking hand in hand,
    beyond the tennis courts,
    playground swings,
    and the verdant Old Berry Hill.

    No flowers need be present.
    I'd rather much prefer
    this nice, quiet stroll in the park,
    humming,
    listening,
    and holding hands
    as if we were young again.

    No flowers need be present
    to say I love you.




    Submitted on 2005-06-08 01:04:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, that was cute. It shows how you don't need lace to make a dress, its just all cute & all.. lol I think you should maybe find a rythm tho, b/c it was free verse, which is cool, but it didn't have a beat, u know. or maybe it did, but I missed it.. I don't think I did tho.. hm.. ok, well yeah, read my poem C.I.L.A & some of my others if you want. ttyl ciao 4 now.
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ]
      A nice take on love and such a simple and pleasurable thing in life :)

    Since you've requested nitpicking details, I'll get to that first.
    S1, L2&3: "screams and wails of little kids," - the imagery in these lines seemed a little out of place to me. It didn't quite fit in with the flying kites and rollerblading and the walk through the park. Perhaps it was just "screams and wails" that didn't work for me (a bit dark). Maybe something along the lines of "shrieks and games" or "shrieks and gags" - you get my meaning. ;)
    S1, L4: should that be "rollerblading on" instead of "off"? I'm not huge into rollerblading so I might be way off on this.
    S2, L3: I think you can lose the "are" to read "but stars that light the way" - it reads better without it.
    S2, L4: reading this out loud, the word "walkthrough" seemed a little awkward. Perhaps there is another way to express this?
    S4, L3: "nice" is such a broad expression - perhaps something with more feeling or imagery might have a greater impact. Or you could leave it out entirely?
    S4, L4: a minor point, but you already used "humming" earlier.
    S4, L6: a bit of repitition again.
    S5:
    "No flowers need be present
    to say I love you."
    You really built up the earlier stanzas with some great ideas and imagery and this last stanza felt a little flat in comparison (to me anyway). I don't know why, because those final words are quite powerful. Maybe a different way to express the same thing might help. For example,
    "No flowers need be present
    when our love walks effervescent."
    or swap the lines arounds to read,
    "To say I love you [there/here]
    no flowers need be present."
    I'm not sure, but they are just a couple of ideas.

    Overall, I liked this snapshot of desire and emotion by linking it to something as simple as walking with a loved one.
    Great job - I look forward to reading more. :)
    Cheers, TD
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by TD | [ Reply to This ]


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