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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: gothic, cultivateddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1366
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1186



    Description:
       thoughts as always, lovelies.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsgothic, cultivateddots
    -------------------------------------------


    There is still
    your hand on my wrist,
    (seducing).
    Fingers feel
    through layers of
    skin,
    the thin stratums of
    yielding flesh . . .
    the slender and rounds
    of my bones.
    Your thumb
    covers blue veins, the caress
    synchronizes our
    heartbeats.

    We breathe each other in.

    "I could hurt you" -
           but you don't.
    "It would be so easy ..."
           your hand,
    now warmer, testing with fire and
    fear as you begin to
    tighten.
    Squeeze a little more
    and I would break, but
    not cry out,
    never
    to say a thing.

    Then you let go; these moments
    have had their proper
    effect.
    I stay precious,
    still beautiful at the wrists and
    in the way I never
    blink but
               wait,
    motionless, your Rubik's mystery,
    a challenge

    when you look at me.




    Submitted on 2005-06-08 01:33:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      a beautiful piece about vulernability. i think you've been hurt before, and you're afraid. "I could hurt you.." he says.. and he doesn't. but isn't he playing a game with you and your heart? and you mention a game at the end,
    Rubik's cube.. a mystery. he's lured you into his game..

    just my thoughts, lady. this is a great write. makes one think, and that's always a good thing!

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2007-06-09 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Grace,- I always like coming to your page. Even when I don't have the time to comment, I read anyway, and have never been disappointed. I think why I like your page so much is that it is never predictable, yet always really compelling and to me at least remarkable.

    This definitely has a sinister, gothic tone and yet I can understand the "cultivated" part of the title too. There is a Beauty and the Beast sound here, a potent mixture of the feral with the civilized, of the unbridled and the restrained, a base crudeness with tenderness.

    One feels their mutual fascination here, each with the other's opposing characteristics, yet each affected sensually, even erotically by those very differences. The tension evoked here is like that of a finely tuned violin, rendering a haunting and memorable melody.

    A very small nit to pick is that I question the quotations/speec suddenly interjected at the beginning of the second strophe.

    ""I could hurt you" -
    but you don't.
    "It would be so easy ..."
    your hand,-

    I would rather it continue in the dreamy surreal way it began, perhaps

    "You could hurt meó
    but you dont.
    It would be so easy...
    your hand,now warmer, -"

    Other than that , and that is just my own little take on it, -I find this wonderfully intense and spellbinding.You have many superb images and the line breaks leave a catch in the throat that complements the intimate seductive tone.
    I loved
    "I stay precious,
    still beautiful at the wrists and
    in the way I never
    blink -"

    and I liked the the details of the tiny wrist bones, the blue veins, all building a incredibly powerful empathy -the reader becomes part of the poem almost.
    "Your thumb
    covers blue veins, the caress
    synchronizes our
    heartbeats."
    This detail has a zoom lens effect, magnifying a mere moment, and propelling us from the mere physical touch of the caress to the infinite realm of the emotions,-and perhaps beyond. Each will take this in their direction,-as far as they dare to go.

    I absolutely LOVE it.
    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      This was absolutely stunning. I've always loved the fragility of a woman's wrist, how you can feel every bone, every heartbeat through the delicate skin. How it would be so easy to just squeeze a fraction too hard and shatter more than just bones.

    It's more than just a powerplay, more than giving yourself over to another person- wholly, completely. But maintaining your own strength as you give yourself over to another. "I stay precious, still beautiful at the wrists"

    I loved every line of this. It's going in my favs and you can consider yourself stalked (but in the good way).

    drowning_queen
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
      Original thought, never lose that. The images this work brought forth were as vivid as they were surreal. A little bit erotic, and the words were playful. All in all a nice work. My condolences to your grandfather.
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      Creepy. That's all I can say. Maybe it's because it's 2:30 am and I'm hallucinating but as I read the dialogue in the second stanza, I swear I could feel someone breathing down my neck. There was a very calm, delicate, tone throughout the piece. The description was beautiful, but I do think that you might want to go back and take a second look at some of the places where you broke the lines; a few seems slightly abrupt, but it's nothing too major.

    "Fingers feel
    through layers
    of skin the thin stratums of
    yielding flesh and the
    slender and rounds
    of my bones." Stunning. I loved it.

    Keep up the fantastic work!

    ~Babysweet56
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
      That was neat 2 read.. but uncomfortable to read. I felt uneasy... I don't know.. hm... maybe b/c its like 2:40 am & I'm tired, but w/e... we can't just have a site filled with poetry about daiseys can we?...ok, well, the imagery was beautiful. The reader is easily sucked in... living the moment. Keep it up. Something very unique from what I'm used to reading...very good poem all the same. ttyl ciao 4 now
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ]
      An unusual write. Sounds as if you are into the S&M here, mildly. There are a couple of spots I have a suggestion for, towards the end you write,

    still beautiful at the wrists and
    in the way
    I never blink but
    wait,

    This is awkward for me. I believe I know what you meant, I think you are saying

    "still beautiful at my wrists, and still beautiful in my way of never blinking, but waiting..."

    However when you put the words "in the way"
    on a seperate line as you do, it confuses, makes the mind want to think that something is obstructing, in the way, that way. Did you want some form of double entendre there? Are you obstructing?

    The other place was simply a phrase you seem to have coined, which is good, to be original, the "slender and rounds of my bones"
    I guess that sounds better than the longer and somewhat gangly "slenderness and roundness of my bones" But it is unusual, so it caught me off guard a bit, which caused that line to drag.

    You've done a good job with what it is. Not my favorite topic, but fresh,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that, based on the title, what you're really saying is that inside we are all the same and we shouldn't judge a book by the cover. Just because we don't understand someone it doesn't mean they are a threat to us...and of course, I'm likely reading too much into it, but this is what I saw.

    Regardless of the meaning behind it, I must say that the line breaks you chose confuse me. A lot of them make perfect sense, but others seem to interfere with the "flow" (ugh, hate to say that but it fits), especially in the first stanza, and of course, if you don't find a rhythm in the first stanza, it's unlikely you will find it anywhere. Sorry if I'm stepping on toes, but this would make more sense to me:

    There is still
    your hand on my wrist,
    (seducing).
    Fingers feel
    through layers
    of skin
    the thin stratums
    of yielding flesh and the
    slender and rounds
    of my bones.
    Your thumb
    covers blue veins,
    the caress
    synchronizes our heartbeats.

    We breathe each other in.

    "I could hurt you" -
    but you don't.
    "It would be so easy ..."
    your hand,
    now warmer, testing
    with fire and fear
    as you begin to
    tighten.
    Squeeze a little more
    and I would break, but
    not cry out,
    never to say
    a thing.

    Then you let go;
    these moments
    have had their proper
    effect.
    I stay precious,
    still beautiful at the wrists
    and in the way
    I never blink
    but wait,
    motionless, your Rubik's mystery,
    a challenge

    when you look at me

    but that's just me and you know what you're doing, no doubt, so maybe I just need to be schooled a little on the why's and where's and whatnot.

    As always, your tone is effective. I feel my pulse thumping along with yours here.
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Now I may be completely off with my interpretation of the matter....but what I get from this is that you portray a relationship here, where the other person doesnt quite know how to figure you out, doesnt undestand the complexity of your being...

    I think its the Rubic's cube reference...he tries to resolve it by force, and that doesnt work...although you are together, there are things that separate you...a lack of understanding perhaps, and whilst he freaks out about you, you just sit still and smile, ever the elusive Mona Lisa....

    This piece holds a fantastic intensity, supported by striking imagery...

    "Fingers feel
    through layers
    of skin the thin stratums of
    yielding flesh and the
    slender and rounds
    of my bones.
    Your thumb
    covers blue veins, the caress
    synchronizes our
    heartbeats."

    This is just incredible....the physical touch brings you together, but there is still an air of mystery to you that he cannot understand...

    But this is only my perception of the piece, and its probably way off

    I loved the intentisty, and then almost threatening passion of the piece...delicate, yet brutal....

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      i am tired, but i fell upon this and it will be my first and last comment of the day before i go to bed.

    i think there is a lot in this piece that i could get into. there is certainly a lot i though i might want to suggest [initially certainly] and some things i really liked.

    and this is usually the case with your work, and i like that.

    i fell that after reflection and time and not necessarily many more reads, that this piece is broken. i am not sure what is intentional and what is not, but i would think that for the most part you know that this does not skip and rhyme like girls in the playground, and i would say that this is not what you wanted.
    for me the title is the first and a very good indication. a slightly quirky title, especially with one comma in a two word 'sentence,' and i think it both fits well with and sets the scene for your piece.

    this piece sits at an edge. an edge we all like to think that we are willing to go to or can handle or whatever, but ultimately find great difficulty in being close to once we are there. the edge that you are talking about here is perhaps to do with pain to come extent and certainly it seems about the amount of trust you place in someone and just what you hand over to them.
    i think that many of your breaks and quirks here reflect this discomfort/fine line from one point to another quite well.
    many of your line breaks here are 'unconventional,' [bollocks to be honest; not your line breaks, just what is 'conventional.'] but they work in the context because conceptually you need to re create the feeling as best you can that you are describing.

    so all in all this may make a slightly frustrating and cumbersome read [to some] but this is what you have to do. you are not writing about roses and smelling the sh-it from someone's ar-se to show them just what you would do for their love, you are talking about putting yourself out there and the possibility that you could get burnt/fu-cked.

    the one gripe i have is the way in which you tell the story as it happens, so to speak, esp in the second stanza and the first few lines of the third. i find this to be slightly narrative, and you find this 'technique,' in many crappy teen poems, and that is not your fault or your problem, just a personal thing, and possibly too much to change.


    i think what people are always looking for when reading is something that they find familiar. esp with critiquing here, if they dont see the rules then their backs are up and things are not right.
    as far as i am concerned, that is not the way to look at things, and my opinion would be, reading this, that you may feel something similar.

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      very defiant and powerful, I like the next to last stanza the best, the line "i stay precious" just hit me as really cool. still beautiful at the wrists too, what a strange line to write;)
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      this write has so many different grooves... it seems defiant but it also seems very tender too... there is nothing here that doesnt need to be here... everything seems so executively chosen... so purposeful almost so that the writer can be sure the point will be taken in by the reader unmistakeably...

    "i remain precious" is one of the most amazing lines i think ive ever come across... really... its such a simple line and yet it is so powerful and stunning...

    Your thumb
    covers blue veins, the caress
    synchronizes our
    heartbeats

    this part made me think of techno/house music and the THUMP THUMP THUMP of the bass... if it is up loud enough or the vibrations through the ground and into your body are strong enough your heart will pick up that rhythm and so with that in mind i couldnt help but think that either or both of your hearts where thump thump thumping away (pulses in wrists.. ya know...?!)

    its been forever since ive read your stuff so its been awesome to stop by and read something so powerful as this... really well done my orchids girl!
    | Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Dear Blue
    Was this the poem you though I might not like? Hmmmm. I admit my course of action has been one of expressing love with great abandon. When Cat and I manage to be together, our motto is "no depirvation" and we shake our heads "no" in stereo and say "I love you".

    Now, what you've written her reminds me of the promise of love and it's time frame of opening hearts and trust. It's not all there yet, but you're both looking, and that is so exciting and frightening, well, in stereo. Duets are the finestand there is nothing greater than love. This is subtle and gentle and I can feel the exploration in both people. great job, I love how you find deep, compelling feelings in your poems, Grace, very nice.
    much love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think it was creepy at all. There were hardly any breaks in the flow, and the image of two-submissive and dominant- people is burned in my mind. She defies pain with silence, but submits to it by not fighting back. Another strong image that you painted here, the synchronized heartbeats, was a very, very beautiful one...very intimate, but still
    distanced...it's incredibly oxymornoic, but a powerful line...I like it.
    God, I don't think there's a line in here that I don't like.
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem a lot. It seemed romantic to me at first. and i agree, its not creepy at all. My only concern is that the ending doesn't see complete... maybe its just me but thats my opinion. overall, i loved it!
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by Midnight_Rose | [ Reply to This ]


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