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Candles


Author: Lost Sheep
ASL Info:    41 M Vancouver, WA
Elite Ratio:    6.25 - 913 /773 /73
Words: 120
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1129
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 905



Description:


I'm typically terrible at love poems. It's hard to express even a tiny bit of what I feel for Chell.


Candles



Life 1: Fear
She’s like a candle, lighting my world
But candles can burn
I’m much safer here in the shadows


Life 2: Loneliness
She’s like a candle, lighting my world
But candles can flicker and go out
I’m so very afraid of the dark


Life 3: Love
She’s like a candle, lighting my world
Spreading her loving light to other candles
Making the whole world brighter

Exploring with me the dark places
Around me and inside my mind

Bringing illumination to the fears
Brightness to the doubts
Brilliance to the anxieties

Guiding me to confidence
Leading me to peace
Teaching me to shine




Submitted on 2005-06-08 02:30:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Oh my.. OH MY. Being someone who only read love poetry by accident (due to the general low standard), and only write it in my own sick way, I might not be the one you should pay most attention to. I can see that everyone just looooves this write, so I feel I am swimming up stream, but I want to give you a comment anyway.

No doubt: it is sweet or nice or something.

What bothers me about is, is the inconsistency, and the lack of a connection between the parts. It seems like every stanza is written for its own purpose, which makes the ‘lives’ fragmented, and not different aspects of life. The problem is as I see it, the lack of structure.
Things that should be tied together:
Fear, burn, shadow – illumination of fear – confidence.
Loneliness, flickering (which actually is a fear of flickering, and thus a part of ‘Life 1’), darkness – maybe anxiety – peace.
Spreading love, brightness – doubts – shine.

As I see it, you describe loneliness as an aspect of fear, and thereby the difference between Life 1 and 2 collapses. By writing these two lives together, you could bring out the paradox of seeking shadows, and fearing darkness! And thereby making love the only way to step into existence.

Also the phrase “She’s like a candle” is a bit vague. It is the word LIKE, I do not like. Using this word, you create an inelegant distance between the ‘she’ and the fear. As there is a clear distinction between a candle blowing out, and someone like a candle blowing out. We cannot assume the properties of the candle to be in someone, which only has a likeness. Also the flame in itself, is not mentioned – it is the illuminating property that you installs as the likeness. I suggest you change it to something in the line of “She is a candle”/”She is my candle” etc. to make the fears more relevant.

As for the last stanza, you might need to make love come alive in it. Letting oneself being guided, leaded, and taught can be understood, more as an admiration (or the likes) then as loving relationship.

Also if you keep the 3 lives, you can use the last two 3 line stanzas, to make direct connections to the lives, as I suggested in the tying together.

As to the meaning of the poem and the imagery, I can only second the other comments. When you read it, you know right away what is on stake. I would just like to see you make this sweet/nice poem into a really good one, as I have seen you know how to do, in other writes.

Best,
tZar
| Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this poem alot. It gives me hope. I am at the stage 2 of liife right now. It just reminds me that things can change, and to be paticent. I love how you use the candel and show how it can mean many different things. overall very origional and very emotional. great job :-D i am trying to start writing more uplifting poetry, but untill i do, i will rearead this every day. it's an instant clasic :-D great job
| Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by OrangeWithWhite | [ Reply to This ]
  Aww.. I liked th@ alot. Its not like those mushy simple bland poems alotta guys write... it was sincere & th@'s appreciated. I liked how the 2 negitive lives were short.. showing th@ they weren't something to live 4. But the 3rd live was beautiful, and refreshing... making her your life. Very nice, I loved it. Read my poem C.I.L.A if u get around 2 it... u may b able to infer something from it. Thanx 4 sharing. ttyl ciao 4 now.
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ]
  cool, pretty cool, it's very different, unlike those mushy, disgusting poems dat guyz write about their girls, you've done well, I love it!

I felt prety touched though, your words are simple but strong if you get my drift. When you said
"Spreading her loving light to other candles
Making the whole world brighter"
this made me thing that this gurl must be pretty special and that she has that blanding effect on you, that's cool,

i'm reminded of love and it's special gifts it gives, and all the things that can happen when you find your special partner.
For a guy who claims to suck, your pretty good.
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]
  "For a guy that claims to suck, your pretty good."
                          DA MN STRAIGHT!!!!
                  (Oh, sorry, couldn't help myself.)

Thank you sweetie for this beautiful piece. Seven years of marriage, and I still find new things to love about you. I can't critique this, you know...

I Love You,
-Chell-
P.S. You give me to much credit, you are a beautiful candle too...
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello Steve,
Well, I would have to say that Chell is a very lucky woman to have you. In this poem, you you show her so much love, that its intensity makes me want to cry. You tell the world of her beauty, and you do it in such a way, that the reader can't help but envy the both of you. You claim your not very good at love poems, but this one goes beyond good. I can really imagine how much you love her, and that love is what makes up the structure of this piece.

This was very beautiful. I think that you two are very lucky to have each other. Continue to let your lights shine, it really brightens our day.
Thank you for the lovely read.

Brightest Blessings,
Crystal
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
  Gosh, I really liked this! You took an age old journey and gave it flare with an original style. Life 3 left me in hopeful mood and I even had a smile on my face (and still do).

My only real suggestion is that it might benefit from some punctuation (just to give it some pauses). However, I don't think it is disadvantaged without it - they way you've written this piece seems to have a lot of its own natural breaks/pauses.

A really great poem! I'll be back later to check on any other new work you've posted while I've been away. :)
Cheers,
TD
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by TD | [ Reply to This ]
  this is extremly sweet...i love the seperation of the diffrent thoughts and of course i love the third part the best...its very beautiful...any woman would love to here such wonderful words from the man the love...i always loved the idea of a person being a candle...,its a great metaphor and even though its been used its cool because you were able to use it in your own way your own words and it turned out very beautiful...purps
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hahahaha, how cheeky are you, trying to say you arent good at this, when you are, you are....

This is gorgeous. Its simple, sincere and filed with love...The first two lines are very brief, showing that you, like all of us, have your fears, and are scared (were scared) to get burned by this love of yours...but her light shone your fears away, and you have nothing but love and appreciation for the woman in your life...

In a world where divorce statisics are constantly rising, and more and more people seem to feel nothing but bitterness and irritation towards others, poems - and feelings - like these are inspirational...

Thank you, for sharing such a beautiful feeling with us

May your candles always burn

All the best,

Katia
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, one day Vancrown leaves a note on my page telling me to check you out, and I procrastinated.

Because I'm lazy like that.

He told me he thought I'd like your stuff, and I've looked around, but I'm terrible at commenting.

I'm just someone who loves reading poetry.

The words and imagery and similes and metaphors... they just amaze me.

But I'll try to comment here.

As already said, this was quite sweet and you showed a sensitivity that I wish teenage boys could!

Bah...

I liked the "Life 1, 2, 3."
It was a great format... but I don't exactly get why they're there. I don't get a lot of things though, so don't worry.

Haha.

Great read, I'll try to be less of a procrastinator and check out some of your other works.


Jen
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
  Comment hell, here I come! Man Steve, I just don't know what to say about this. I completely understand and utterly agree with everything you've written here. This was beautiful and heartfelt without coming across as overly sugary or flowery.

She’s like a candle, lighting my world
But candles can burn
I’m much safer here in the shadows

I love this stanza. It captures perfectly the emotion of wanting something that looks so wonderful, but being terrified of it at the same time. Excellent write sir.
Traci :)
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, it's all turning full circle! I come to your page and tell you how much I love your latest poem and that I can't fault it.
Write something rotten, Steve, I promise I'll have the guts to bag it...lol

Seriously nice stuff, you old softie!

Be Happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  I’m much safer here in the shadows

I’m so very afraid of the dark

these are the last lines of the first two stanza... now my understanding of shadows is that they are dark places and so... in staying in the shadows you are staying in the dark that you are very much afraid of and therefore punishing yourself and making your life miserable... thank god for brilliant (chell like) candles!

i like how you had different "lives"... thats kinda a cool way of looking at things though i cannot help but notice how much bigger the third life is... the one that counts... and the idea that her flame has bought you to life... alight... and together you glow far brighter than just she on her own and together expell the darkness and fear... (god i sound so damn soppy! LOL!)

i think theres no such thing as a crap poem so long as it has feeling... i dont know jack about structure or anything but i do know about heart... about putting yourself in the poem... thats what its all about and so... in the light of all that... this is a brilliant write... really really truely!

anyways i gotta bail... im babysitting my father, lil sista and wee 1yr old nephew so i gotta go feed them! haha! ciao for now!
| Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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