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    dots Submission Name: the end of springdots

    Author: hidden lady
    ASL Info:    28/female/nebraska
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 116/118/30
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 762
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 601

       this poem is about my brother. he is away for three months and I miss him he's my best friend

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe end of springdots

    The lights passed over
    the windshield
    dancing and moving
    like fireflies in some
    coharent march

    his eyes laced with work
    induced tired.
    smoke pouring out of his mouth,
    turning into clouds of life
    never to be recaptured.

    poetry falling out
    of his head at random
    filling the car with images
    that only he and I can see
    he is happy, almost content.

    I look over now
    and all I see is an empty seat.
    no one can take his place

    now I wait.

    Submitted on 2005-06-08 04:27:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love your writing style. You write similar to me, I think. I am adding you to my stalking list... Great vividry here. The fireflies marching... very cool. I love the whisical style you use to express something obviously hurtful. Great write...

    Indigo Kid
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
      I have a brother and I cannot really relae to being alone because, well he never leaves...but he is indeed a good friend of mine and if he ever did leave, I don't know what I'd do...so, you just hang in there, time will pass and then he'll be back. Good write and keep up the good work...

    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Desser | [ Reply to This ]
      There's some nice imagery in this, but you need to check your grammar and spelling. I think you mean passed in line one. You also misspelled coherent, and I think it should be "that only he and I can see." In "he is happy almost content," you need a comma between happy and almost. I'd divide "I look over now and all/ I see is an empty seat" like "I look over now/ and all I see is an empty seat." I'm not sure that I understand "his eyes laced with work induced tired, smoke." Maybe you mean "his eyes laden with work induced tired smoke." I guess it's just a surreal image, but I don't think you need the comma.

    I'm close to my brother too. He just split with his wife, and it kills me to see him so down.
    | Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the images here and the idea of your sharing poetry together. My best friends and my lover do so too with me. I can understand why you miss him. And it's just a short scene in an auto, one that says "this is what poetry is supposed to be"to me. I can't think of any crticism for this one, it all fits and all is needed. So glad I came to read, thanks for sharing.
    peace and love,
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]

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