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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mastermike
    ASL Info:    16/M/NC
    Elite Ratio:    2.68 - 24/31/6
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/
    Total Views: 573
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 398



    Description:
       This is about how I felt after being heartbroken by someone I loved. Normally I am depressed when I write but this piece didn't have much depression behind it, I felt some anger as I wrote it though. Just let me know what you think.


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    dotsHerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She is a part of me
    She is the thoughts on my mind
    She is the pain in my chest
    She is the memories that haunt me
    She is the blood flowing out of my wound
    as the knife peirces.
    She is like a disease
    I was her victim
    The suffering continues
    My disgraceful life goes on until
    The suffering ceases
    And my life comes to an end




    Submitted on 2005-06-08 20:28:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is perfect and it really shows what you went through in that relationship and how she made you feel afterwards. I also like how you made it short and sweet but a part of me still wants more. Its obvious that you have a great knack for writing so keep it up and dont get discouraged
    | Posted on 2005-09-02 00:00:00 | by lexdakid265 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this. You tell who She is, and then what she has done to you. What is interresting to me is that, you seem to have no desire for the pain to stop... it seems rather matter-of-fact. Yet you could still feel the pain deeply. Aslo... you say you were her victim, yet the pain continues, so shouldn't that be, you ARE her victim?
    | Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by BeautifulGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      When you say you, you mean the reader. Since this is public I don't think the "reader" was the loved one of the speaker. When you say "you," you are implying the reader and therefore if you're accusing the reader of something they did not do it gives mixed emotions. The pain shows, but I believe the direction the poem is pointed at should be changed.
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by MrBear | [ Reply to This ]
      That must of have been a painful time in your life. You expressed yourself well. Even though I liked it i do agree with mrbear though saying "she" would have been more appropriate.
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by luvy | [ Reply to This ]
      THis is very sad. the pain shows through it. I didnt get mixed emotions i only felt the saddness of it. It must have hurt alot. I guess life goes on, most of the time
    Star
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow i feel ur pain, like somone was ue everything then they [censored]ed u over. i can so relate to that! Good job keep it up.
    Peace out,
    Sunny
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by Suicidalchild51 | [ Reply to This ]
      That is what love can do to you. I think this was written weel and you did a great job of digging into what you are dealing with.
    She is the pain in my chest
    I think as sad as that is it is so beautiful, and that you cared so much is a very wonderful thing, even if it sucks now..once it was happy, right?
    Well I liked it and you did it well.
    Denise
    | Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by Forgiven | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a good one, kind of sad though. I can see the pain and suffering, but it doesn't elaborate enough. Still good, gets th emotions across well
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]


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