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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Surreal Serendipitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1298
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 587



    Description:
       adventure in alliteration


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSurreal Serendipitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    You look hot.

    Eyes are glowing
    and burning my soul.
    I am surprised by
    the sacred sensuality
    that sizzles
    as it produces the brand
    of profound peace.

    It is surreal
    serendipity
    and serenity
    I shiver with tingles
    from your visual touch.

    When you wear your heart
    as glasses
    I see much clearer.
    I find focus in my day.
    I envision God.
    It seems she sees you
    as I do.
    She told me to say,
    that you look good today.




    Submitted on 2005-06-08 21:56:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      *sigh* this makes me think of Nan.. i love the "visual touch" because i know it well. that is all it takes sometimes, for her to look at me with that deep longing and love that feeds my heart and soul. you know... thanks for reminding me because i have a righteous case of the blues right now.. all i need is to think about her and our visit and i am filled with that serenity.
    thank you for sharing this gem.
    !Cat
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      This was beautiful...so beautiful...*sighs*
    as I have come to expect from you...alliteration-isn't it just so wonderful? This soothes my soul..

    I love how it just starts off with,

    'You look hot.'
    It's like blurting it out, which I liked.
    And then how you go from that to these wonderful aurally placed words..

    I particularly liked,
    'surreal
    serendipity
    and serenity'

    very nice touch!

    'The only thing I was confused by was,
    When you wear your heart
    as glasses
    I see much clearer.'

    Is that supposed to be,
    'when I wear your heart as glasses'

    ?
    for it makes more sense that way.

    I love how you tied in the reference to God! haha so neat! The next time I see a hottie, that is what I'm gonna say. tee hee!

    thanks for the read Chrystine.

    alexis
    | Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. I don't know how to phrase this, but I think you could change a few words and smooooth this out a bit. Here are my ideas for S1, as an example of what I'm talking about.

    You look hot,

    eyes glowing
    as they burn into my soul.
    I am surprised by
    such sacred sensuality
    sizzling
    as it produces this brand
    of profound peace.

    I don't believe I changed the meaning, or even the order, but I think it flows along better.

    there is one other line,


    When you wear your heart
    as glasses
    I see much clearer.
    I find focus in my day.

    I believe one window may be clearer than another, but I also think that we see more clearly.

    When you wear your heart
    as glasses
    I see more clearly,
    finding focus in my day.

    (and again, a little change for flow's sake)

    Hope those are helpful ideas.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha. I was taken somewhat aback (is that that a word? lol oh well I've made a new one, if it isn't....) at the opening line:
    "You look hot."

    How profound, lol. Sometimes honesty is the best policy, and you understand that!

    "When you wear your heart
    as glasses
    I see much clearer.
    I find focus in my day.
    I envision God.
    It seems she sees you
    as I do.
    She told me to say,
    that you look good today."

    For me, the poem didn't get good until this last stanza. Something about it, I just really like! I picture someone all lovey dovey in love wearing heart shaped, rose tinted glasses saying...ehhh you look good today....all dreamy like. Nice! I haven't come across a stanza I've liked this much in a while...so good job. (Sometimes I have odd taste, no?)
    Peace.

    -LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2005-06-17 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]


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