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    dots Submission Name: Brokendots

    Author: closetpoet
    Elite Ratio:    2.25 - 51/106/70
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1338
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 597


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    how I opened up my heart, laid bare
    all the vows and dreams we dared
    now what happens to love committed
    when from your heart I'm omitted

    all the lies
    and words of love in guise
    everything that once was spoken
    everything is broken

    anger takes the place
    of smiles brought to your face
    love once brought life and happiness awoken
    now everything is broken

    every part of me
    cries for you, I scream
    now passing glances and smiles... token
    everything is broken

    Submitted on 2005-06-08 21:57:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't like to critique things that are heartfelt. That being said, I think the sentiment is sweet; albeit a bit overdone but there's nothing that hasn't been done.
    The feeling is one that many of us can relate to and your anguish is clearly labeled. While not particularly heavy on imagery, the message is simple and easily understood.
    The rhyme is somewhat forced and as an author you're forcing metre which seems restrictive to the spirit of your message.
    And lastly.... punctuation. It will assist in the conveyance of your piece's flow. Use your commas and semi-colons; avoid the "..." in the last stanza as it awkwardly breaks the deliberate flow of your piece.

    Keep on writing!
    | Posted on 2005-07-03 00:00:00 | by homeless | [ Reply to This ]
      i can hear this being recited... kind of slow and deliberate at first, but as the poem continued, more and more anger and resentment... deep. im diggin this

    *taste the rainbow*
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by prettygrnEyes | [ Reply to This ]
      first the regret, then anger..a well-positioned poem. This is rahter sad.

    As I commented on your previous poem, this too has depth because it comes from real emotion and pain.

    Looking forward reading more of your poems.
    | Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by vedanta19 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a great poem you need to keep this up heartache is one of the insperations for this piece of work for i can tell all of are going to be heartbroken so good way to tell the world your view of it keep it up
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by inuyasha_s girl | [ Reply to This ]

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