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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: diceiving winddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Oli
    ASL Info:    20/F
    Elite Ratio:    4.3 - 202/206/52
    Words: 289
    Class/Type: Story/
    Total Views: 359
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1547



    Description:
       I need help with this. This came to me a little while ago but I didn't get it down fast enough so I was unable to get the words out just right. I was planning on going in a certain direction but then it changed and now it is a story of irony, how the girl believes the wind will keep her words safe when the wind was the one that stole her privacy. I think it might be lacking something or isn't quite the thing I wanted to depict. Please tell me what you thought of it and what was going through your mind as you read it. Be totally honest and tell me what you truly thought. and feel free to give suggestions on how to improve. Thanks in advance. :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdiceiving winddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The window opened, letting the night air into to the small, dimly lit room. A cool breeze wisped across the room slowly, rustling the pages of an opened notebook filled with words of hate and anger. It stopped at the sight of a girl sprawled out on the bed, the blankets all twisted around her ankles as if she had been tossing and turning all night. Sweat beaded on her pale face as it tensed up as if filled with a sudden rage. The fingers of her right hand curled and tightened to form a fist. The wind then slowly moved over her body, across her face, and slightly swishing her hair. She stirred but only for a moment, then sliped back to sleep. The wind turn around and glanced at the girl, her fingers and body now relaxed and face some what calm. She shivered slightly as the wind turned around once again and slipped out the window. The girl then woke as if realizing someone had been in the room with her. She glanced around, eyes wide, searching for the intruder. Her eyes then stopped at the sight of her notebook laying out wide open, vulnerable to anyone's eye. She snatched it up, closed it's pages, and held it tight against her chest. Someone had been in this room, she knew, and had violated her private thoughts. She rapped the book tightly in a pillow case and stuck it under her bed. She then took one last look around the room and then out the window, watching the wind play with the leaves on a tall maple tree. She layed back down smiling knowing that the wind would keep her thoughts safe, at least for tonight.




    Submitted on 2005-06-08 22:29:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      tis a good concept bro. the descriptiveness was there...got a question though, what made you think of the layout of it? i thought it was cool the way the wind deceived her into thinking that there was an intruder...but she takes solice in the fact that the wind will keep her secrets safe...for now, but possibly knows that in time it won't. i liked it, just some minor spelling errors, but i personally don't give a crap about that. good job. is that a pic of a band? catch ya later man.
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      How's it going ? :)...This was a very unique idea and I think you can expand on it :)...One of the things I do when I write fiction is I just madly type out all my ideas as quick as possible, lot of times they don't end up as complete sentences :P...just so I don't lose my train of thought...you first line you use the description small, dimly lit room. EEK! That's way too cliché :(...You can probably get away with that type of description later in your story but NEVER lead in with a cliché, you'll turn of your readers. There were some pretty good descriptions in here, but I think that you have the ability to turn our a better finished product! So go on and challenge yourself...and here's another cliché for you "show don't tell" <I always hated when people said that to me, but they were usually right! :P>

    Happy writing and let me know if you do something else with this

    Stw
    | Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]



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