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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: There was a timedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: luvy
    ASL Info:    19/F/AZ
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 270/168/35
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 770
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1053



    Description:
       Tell me what you thought of the end. Should i have tried to make it ryhme. Is it to long?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThere was a timedots
    -------------------------------------------


    There was a time when she thought she loved you
    There was a time when she thought she couldnt go on without you
    There was time when you were everything to her
    But now thats all just one big blur
    When she caught you with another on that painful mourning
    She was
    crushed
    humiliated
    and struck without warning
    She lashed out at her called name after name
    She kept this up until it dawned on her that you were the one to blame
    She turned and she stared at you horrible thoughts running through her head
    But as she continued stare she remembered all the wonderful things youve done and all the beautiful things youve said
    Rembering these things made the pain grow even more
    She left and wanderd around till she ended up at her mothers door.
    Her mother sat her down and told her that he was beneath her
    It took a while but all her memories of you just
    faded
    away.......




    Submitted on 2005-06-09 02:12:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      O.K. so I lied about the sleep thing... I liked this concept, but it seems to me that there are to many "her's" and "she's". I might suggest something along these lines...


    There was a time:
    When she thought she loved you.
    When she believed she couldn't go on without you.
    When you were everything.

    When she caught you with another on that painful morning she was:
    crushed,
    humiliated,
    and struck without warning

    She lashed out:
    Calling the other woman/girl/lover (pick one here)
    Name
    After
    Name
    After...

    She kept this up, until it dawned on her that you were the one to blame.

    She turned and she stared at you.
    Horrible thoughts running through her head
    Remembering all the wonderful things you've done and all the beautiful things you've said.

    Rembering these things made the pain grow...

    She left,

    and wanderd around till she ended up at her mother's door, who sat her down and told her that he was beneath her.

    It took a while but all her memories of you
    just...
    faded...
    away.

    This is a total suggestion. I know it's hard to write in third peson without getting hung up on you's, he's, she, etc. You have a great concept here.

    It's not to long, and poetry doesn't always have to rhyme. I think trying to force this into a rhyming scheme would affect the feelings you want to share on this piece.

    Anyways, I want you to kow these are just suggestions. Take what works for you, trash the rest.

    Looking forward to other works...
    -Chell
    | Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      good job gena! this is really good and im not just saying that! i disagree with Chell i dont think that theres too many shes and hers but that ok! but i do agree with Chell about you shoudl try to make it rhyme but it doesnt have to! hey ill send u the application to be an editor for that magazine! love ya loads gurl!
    ~akaila~
    | Posted on 2005-06-09 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      damm chell gave one long azz comment. she's like a fvcking english teacher. anyway i liked this one as well. i hate it when guys mess over girls like this or vice versa. hope u find someone that'll treat u right
    "troy"
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]


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