I commented on your other Addiction poem a couple of days ago, so it's going to be a little difficult to think of anything new to say here. But let's try :)
Firstly, I challenge anyone to write a poem about addiction, make it rhyme and not make it sound forced and trivial. I also think your poem suffers badly from a chronic lack of figurative language. It's all well and good to describe in concrete terms, but you do miss out on a lot if you don't leave some scope for metaphor, simile, imagery etc. These are powerful tools to use in creating meaning and striking a resonant chord with your audience, and you seem loathe to take them up.
Addiction is obviously an issue you feel strongly about, for whatever reason. I would love it if you would write something which would give your audience more insight into why this is the case- at the moment all I know is that addiction is bad and that you associate it with drugs.
What about the psychology of addiction and dependency? What about addiction unrelated to substances? Lots of questions, I await your answers.
Smoking, drinking, drugs...I think you left out sex...but hey, 3 out of 4 ain't bad. "Addictions: You can always depend on them." (I made that up.) I think you painted the tragic picture of dependency with a little humor mixed in, I like that. Some suggestions: I think "Inhaling" and "Exhaling" should be parenthetical, like an aside, since it's the speaker's actions, whereas the rest are not. Also I think you could get away with "Immersing." Also try this for S2: Swallowing it down...drinking / Alcohol...to forget I'm sinking. Your final line might be better with "ugliest" instead of "most ugly" and then "most beautiful."
Oh well, enjoyed this bit of thoughtful humor. Read it several times already - I think I'm addicted.
This escape from reality that is so pure. I have been there, I am there. It can help numb the pain, but it comes back 10 fold when reality returns. It is a vicious cycle so few can handle and fewer can talk about. This piece should be the prayer every addict should say before they sleep.
I love the structure in this poem especially the first stanza, it gives a very strong image, and the last line sums it up perfectly. I have a friend who can't help but truely hate yet love his addictions, which I think is shown in this last line. He also wants to have help before he gets into worse and worse drugs, just as this poem shows how one leads to another. A very good poem,
This was a really good write.What I liked about it was :
]Swallowing it down with more drinking, Choking, On Alcohol that helps me forget I'm sinking.
On this part it was like you were talking about the drug of depression and its advocate alcohol just helped the depression sink in deeper.Another part that I liked also was :
Chewing, The many bitter colors faster, Immersed, In thoughts other than my own disaster. The first two lines were kind of ironic because When something tastes bitter to the taste buds, it does not get consumed as fast as the taste buds tasting something sweet.The other two lines where your mind was pondering on something else then the disaster that was staring you right in the face.And the last part of the poem made the whole poem sound even better.When you said :
So many addictions, With which to fill each passing day, Killing me slowly, Both the most ugly and beautiful way to decay.
It was like even though you know of the addictions that the world has to offer, you make something that is a sin have beauty and the outside but uglier on the inside.Another great depictual of irony. Really good write. Your poem reminds me of my poem Consumers Risk, but yours is even better.
oh all the ways in which one can self medicate! it all only masks the pain and self denial for a brief time and you wake up the next day feeling like sh*it! (speaking from experience) it can take you down even further and cause problems you have to pay for, for the rest of your life!
i liked the bold style of this piece! you left nothing untouched! and you are so right..the title is self explanatory...wonderfully done! I am immensly impressed!
What a strange and haunting little insight into drug/alcohol addictions. The last stanza was grrrrrr8! I think you put down some pretty strong emotions that most people are usually afraid to write about. Nice job. Have a good one.
wow babe this is amazing. Everything just flowed beautifully into each other and it was excellent. Eerily beautiful if that makes sense. Your rhyme scheme is great. dont ever again say you arent any good! Excellent job.
Very original, it seemed as though one line spoke and then the next answered- if that makes sense. I got the feeling of helplessness and losing hope. I like how you used the oxymoron of ugly and beautiful to show the emotions. It gave the underlying message it's real punch. It left me feeling how I want to feel after reading something profound.
Very true. This poem is necessary. You should feel a great sense of achievement in writing it. The emotion is raw and unhidden, revealing a sorrowfully unusual sense of honesty that both makes you want to stifle vomiting and applaud in awe. This piece will be going in my favorites. Bravo...
I give you props for posting this.anyways i kno i havent been on here alot latley.Latley i just cant seem too write.Oh well.., i always take a break and then the juice comes back lol.Anyways i love this.You kno i love everything of yours. Your Fan, Alysun-Lynn
Hey! I'm really glad I took the time to read this poem, it is really a great write! The words so nicely flow together and the expression here is great! "The most ugly and beautiful way to decay" is so true. I recently quit smoking and it is really hard! I miss it a lot but I figure its gonna kill me if I dont get away from it. I enjoyed reading! Nice work! Take care!
i like the way you did this... the way you had the first and third lines as verbs showing the action of the addiction and the second and fourth explaining the nature of addiction...
the last line has so much truth to it... it is an ugly way to die... i mean... everyone has to die but there are better ways to go... im watching my father die of Emphysema and yet he still smokes... he figures he may as well go out doing something he enjoys (though i dont see how it can bring enjoyment when his quality of life is what it is but whatever...)
it would also seem to me that different addictions feed a different part of a person and therefore help the escapism process... thats my thoughts anyways...
the title.. temporary fix... yeah i guess each smoke, drink, hit is a temporary something but in the long run it is nothing like fixing...
im glad i found this write... ill be reading more of yours soon.
Wow, the final stanza was the most hard hitting thing I have read from all of my time of being on this website. I have to say that this poem is truly good, and truly deserving of people's favorite list. You make it sound so sad, at the final stanza, that the person knows he/she is going to die, but he can't help it. It's very sad, and I really love the way you wrote. Thank you for this great poem. Peace and love, -Aya
Merry meet again Insipid. Your supposed to let me know when your writing about my life ok? LOL. I can unfortunately relate to the power of addiction. My drug of choice was more. I am fortunately clean now. This is a very powerful piece. I am putting it on my favorite list. Blessed Be Andrea
Well insipid, I feel and have felt every word you've spoken. The images you have put back into my head are the memories I have. Some are good because of specific details, having fun with people I was with. Bad because we all knew that we were deterierating from the inside out.
The flow of this write was perfect. I to felt the end was hard hitting. It is funny how most people that go through these times have a great way with writing words. I think it is because we've tapped into a subject deeper than others. Does that make sense?
I am going to add this to my fav list. Always remember, you are in control.
I know why this is your Featured work, this poem is amazing. Reliance on drugs, alcohol, sex, nicotine, etc. is a tradgedy. Slowly they become you, and you lose sight of who "you" are. When you place such importance on worldly things you can lose sight of a greater purpose, you fall into a whole that you blindly dug during you unconcious endevour, unaware that nothign can fill the void except that which you have removed on your own. Let what is pure flow in and fill every crack amidst the path you walk.
Umm... I've always considered drug addictions private but this poem has hit a very strong chord with me, I don't know if its the subject matter or the way its structured but this poem did its job, made me feel.