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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Moving Ondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeepsLighter
    ASL Info:    17/f/Brazil
    Elite Ratio:    7.89 - 97/62/14
    Words: 320
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 847
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1778



    Description:
       First of all, this is an english assignment but i thought it would be cool to post it on here..we had to do a edgar lee masters style, as if writing from the grave...this is more of a prose then a poem..
    there's something abt the first four lines that i do not like but i cant seem to make out what it is, any advice??
    there is very little background info on this, sort of the beginning of my life then it goes on to be a really nice life...i kind of wrote this with the thing in mind that many people are leaving my life;goodbyes have come upon me...
    let me know what you think!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMoving Ondots
    -------------------------------------------


    I grew up in the city,
    In the largest country of Latin America.
    Though born in Africa with Indian parents,
    I considered myself to be a Brazilian.
    My fifth year of life I entered a small school
    And for thirteen years that was my home away from home.
    I grew up amongst many people, many who came and went
    Those who went stayed with me in spirit
    And those who didnít, stayed by my side.
    Then the time came to say goodbye, one of the toughest periods of my life.
    Saying goodbye to a school where many memories were made
    Some of which we could never trade.
    Moving on is part of life, something we must all deal with at one point.
    So I did what life forced me to, I moved on
    I moved on to college in a foreign country
    Away from my family and friends
    And was forced to make new friends and create families amongst them.
    I grew fond of my new life, making new memories,
    Setting a stage for what was yet to come.
    Sadly, after four years, time to say goodbye came upon me once again.
    So I did what life forced me to, I moved on
    I moved on to a well paying job in a well known company
    Where I met him - the person who I would spend the rest of my life with.
    The person who cared for me like no other person ever had
    Together we created a family with a strong foundation,
    A foundation built of love.
    Together for over four decades
    We shared laughter and tears,
    Creating more memories
    After so long, time to say goodbye came upon me yet again.
    So I did what life forced me to, I moved on
    I moved on into a place where moving on no longer mattered.





    Submitted on 2005-06-10 15:24:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very awesome. You seem to be great at simplifying things. Where alot of other people on here take a tiny issue and poetically stretch it thin with details you take a whoel life and behond and fit it into a few paragraphs. And it works SO well.

    Life is bittersweet and things always end. You capture the joy and sadness well without going overboard on the sadness side of things :)

    I enjoyed this very much.
    Shaun
    | Posted on 2007-07-06 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow ... I really like this. I was completely thinking it was your story - which parts may be - but then BANG! You're much older than you were - the ending was awesome. How you alluded to dying without actually saying I died: "I moved on into a place where moving on no longer mattered."

    I also liked how you kept the theme of "moving on" throughout the piece.

    I especially liked the way you kind of inverted this part: "Away from my family and friends
    And was forced to make new friends and create families amongst them."

    The only thing I would change in the first four lines is adding a period after "Latin America."

    Just out of curiousity ... what kind of grade did you get on this?

    Very good writing for your age ... please take that as a compliment. :-)
    | Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by Cyntia | [ Reply to This ]
      man...you got me again...i was gonna write a poem about moving on...but i guess here you have it!a good and awesome poem that i could nvr write no more *tear drops*.
    now i guess i have to move on...but seriously, i already did.
    i'm working on 3 poem at the same time. i mean...i'm jst writing down words that sounds good to me and if i have enough..i'll just make a poem out of it.
    a new style of mine..
    i like your poem though...it's like a movie..i could picture it all the way through..

    "Moving on is part of life, something we must all deal with at one point."
    you know...you're right about this statement...i have to move on when i graduate, i have to move on when my fish dies...i mean...everybody's got something to leave behind..(by the way, that was a song!)
    anyways...i like how somethings rhmed and not a whole bunch did...it makes it more interesting and fun!

    -fearless
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey deeps,
    to tell you the truth I didnt know it was an english assignment until now. WOW, Im desligado. anyways, with that in mind, I thought that was really cool, that you wrote the assigment almost autobiographical, about yourself, not about making up a character. Well obviously you put in your plans for the future too, but all the goodbyes and growing up in so many cultures is just as existent in the poem as it is in real life.
    The whole "moving on" concept is very clever, and well placed throughout the poem. Moving on is what all humans must do to survive. Im going to use an analogy that you might find confusing at first but that is very true, (it comes from the book Farhenheit 451 not to be mistaken with Michael Moore's Farhenheit 9/11). The analogy is that of humans being like the mythical phoenixes of the Egyptians mythology. The phoenixes are created that constantly burn themselves up and then remake themselves out of the future. This can be compared with humans, because with the fire of goodbyes/troubles/problems that constantly arrive, they rebuild themselves through the fire, and do what your poem says "MOVE ON"!
    I like the way you ended this, and the sort of climax/resolution that you had in it. You probably wanted me to criticize this to tell you how to make it any better. I will criticize, but let me just tell you this, you might not like what I say.
    WHat I think you could do with this poem, is not go so much into specifics, such as saying the name of the school you went to, and with the first few stanzas maybe cut them down and separate them, so as to not let the reader be as confused as some may be at the beginning of the poem. When you get into specifics, sometimes the reader feels more distant from the writer and his work. Thats just my opinion though. I was also thinking that since you already put a ryhme in their, maybe you could put some others in their, like only ryhme when you have something ULTRA important verse that you want to stick out from the rest.
    Also maybe you could make the eulogy have a little more rythym, in it, because its a tedious read at parts, because it doesnt flow so well. some rythym could do the job quite nicely.
    overall, I really like the poem and I think you did a really good job, for someone that doesnt consider themself a poet.
    well tonights our siblings graduation night,
    God bless,
    good job, cheers,
    jc prescott
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by jcpdandalice | [ Reply to This ]


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