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    dots Submission Name: This Prisondots

    Author: dreamweaver
    ASL Info:    28/f/WI
    Elite Ratio:    7.22 - 1022/443/42
    Words: 409
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 634
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2582

       This is another poem/lyric selection of mine. Again I'm looking for raw commentary. This is one of the pieces I feel is one of my better poems. I did want to use them as lyrics, but I'll see what everyone else has to say about it. Please be honest. Thanks

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThis Prisondots

    I woke up this morning
    with tears in my eyes
    I've come to find,
    even in the night- in my dreams
    you don't hear me cry.
    All alone wishing I could feel close to you,
    cause even though you're lying next to me,
    we're so many miles apart inside.

    When I came home from work
    you didn't even say hello.
    Is it really so easy for you to leave this all behind?
    I know you don't want me to stay,
    but never will you let me leave,
    set me free.

    Cause in this prison
    You're my blood
    And you're my dream
    But I don't bleed for you
    And I sure as hell don't dream of you

    The rain's pouring down
    With every drop it's getting harder to see the light.
    Those old grey clouds are clouding up my mind.
    All these memories-
    I'm trying so hard to let them all go.
    But while you're lying next to me-
    the pain you've caused will never cease.
    You just won't let me go.

    Cause in this prison
    You're my blood
    And you're my dream
    But I don't bleed for you
    And I sure as hell don't dream of you

    When I'm walking the line
    and I can't stand,
    you look right passed me and never think to reach out your hand
    you just push me aside-
    God why does it have to hurt so bad?

    Looking through the window of this life
    you make damn sure I know where I stand
    and I stand right behind your shadow.

    I'm begging you to walk away.
    Close the door throw away the key.
    I don't care where you go
    I don't care where I am
    Cause anywhere I go
    Is better than the hell you made for me.

    I used to believe in fairy-tales
    The white knight carrying me away,
    But the white knights are few and far between
    and they're not all they're cracked up to be

    You saved me from that castle tower,
    then you locked me up in these chains.

    In this prison
    You're my blood
    And you're my dream
    But I don't bleed for you
    And I sure as hell don't dream of you

    It may be your hand that draws my blood
    And brings the blacks and blues to life-
    bit it's not for you that I bleed,
    For you I'd die.

    Submitted on 2005-06-10 21:07:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      can you say, dysfunctional relationship? OK first off, deffinately more a poem than song. however(not to be corny) but to me a song is a poem in which the music speaks. A poem on the other hand is a song in which you choose the music. This is deffinately a strong poem, with decent imagery and strong feeling. however it seems as though presented rash, and slightly abrupt, almost. There's some lines which could use revision for a smoothe read, and maybe more descriptive, and more in depth aside from the subtle bleakness, kinda enveloping it more. also it's choppy, it needs a different format, that's probabily the biggest. It's strong in meaning, not bad.
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i liked it. I wonder about the meaning though. Were you trying to say that the husband was abusive and you wanted to leave but he wouldnt let you.Or were you trying to say that you were stuck in a love less marriage.
    Well no matter what your meaning was i think it would make good lyrics
    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by luvy | [ Reply to This ]
      It would most likely make great lyrics. But like luvy i am confused as to wether it is an abusive husband or loveless marriage. But i do like it anyway. Keep up the good work.

    | Posted on 2005-06-10 00:00:00 | by ria_pixie | [ Reply to This ]
      It is a good poem, and I like the feeling in it. One thing I have to say is that to me it doesn't sound right, it doesn't flow that well. Good job, though.
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by blind.who.sees | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the lines you have chosen for the chorus are fantasticly written and very powerful - "and I sure as hell don't dream of you." Lyric wise, it's a little too wordy, but you can cut it down and trim it and however to fit the melody you may have chosen. I like it.
    Thumbs up!
    Gx (Btw, thanks for your comments :D)
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by TristesseDurera | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this was really good
    It showed emotion,
    Definitely sense a "Flow Disruption" (first stanza
    Although I can’t say it was the –best
    I will say I really liked it
    Good Job-
    Big Bill
    | Posted on 2005-06-12 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]

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