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    dots Submission Name: After the Concertdots

    Author: VanillaLeaves
    Elite Ratio:    4.1 - 101/110/23
    Words: 201
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 605
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1387

       This came from a rainstorm that caught my father and me going out from my spring concert.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAfter the Concertdots

    Wrapped in our black
    shards of civilization,
    we slither out of the concert hall,
    which still echoes
    with the ritualistic throb
    of Bach and Beethoven, into the rain.

    Great synthetic mushrooms
    of yellow, red, and black
    rise from the pavement.
    We duck and crouch,
    but still the water slides
    down the sides of these
    manufactured fungi and soaks
    into our thin layers of black silk.
    It creeps over our cases,
    probing for a crack
    in the leather coated plastic,
    trying to reach the cherished
    instruments bundled gently within.

    Outside the storm
    carries on the tumult we began
    with our toys of brass and wood.
    It rings the maple leaves like bells,
    strums the tree trunks,
    and blows across the damp
    streets and avenues,
    stopping and opening the chimneys
    with damp fingers.
    Even we, once the musicians,
    are plucked
    by stray droplets.

    Gone is the stage:
    washed away amid
    the deluge of artists.
    Gone is the audience:
    swallowed into the performance.
    All that remains
    are the sodden curtains,
    enfolding musicians, instruments
    in one performance
    never to be seen by mortal viewers.

    Submitted on 2005-06-11 18:43:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hey, I really liked this. A nice touch, the storm as an orchestra, and all the analogies that go with it.
    Any picks would only be personal. Somehow I didn't like the word "slither" it seemed to invoke the wrong picture.
    The only other thing I could possibly find was "Outside the storm
    carries on the tumult we began" either a comma after "outside" or delete it altogether, as you were already outside.

    I really enjoyed this poem, you've put a lot of thought into it.

    Very well done.

    Be Happy

    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really thought this was interesting, the way you "orchestrated" each stanza. It's like you left one orchestra, just to walk outside and enter another.
    It like when you've done something continuously all day and then close your eyes at night and still see it, or feel it. That's how I imagine you coming up with this delightful write.
    I love the word usage and placement. Very cleverly written.
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]

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