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    dots Submission Name: Tearfull Troublesdots

    Author: HurtDeepDown
    ASL Info:    24/F/OHIO
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 165/161/42
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 801
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 713

       Haven't gotten to write in awhile. This one's just about hiding your tears within you...pretty self explanatory. Critique please :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTearfull Troublesdots

    You never know just when they'll fall,
    roll down these pale cheeks out of sight,
    they slightly pull my heart into a faster beat,
    a neverending creation held inside.
    They always come when we don't want them,
    send unhealing in our voice,
    so when we're yelled at or we're stomped on,
    they expect us to make a choice.
    Should I show them my true feelings?
    Make them feel as bad as me?
    Or shall I hide them and then guide them,
    held inside is where shall be?
    Is it sadness that keeps from healing,
    or is it on only what They see?
    cause to us it should not matter,
    if they see our tear run free.

    Submitted on 2005-06-13 05:17:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like the idea for this poem, it just didn't quite flow for me. The feel got a little lost. It's not through the entire poem, but there are just a couple places it got a little chopped up to me.

    they slightly pull my heart into a faster beat

    That line was a bit wordy.
    Maybe try..
    slightly pulling my heart to a faster beat.

    It is so easy to lose the natural flow of a poem just by using a couple of unnecessary words. I do this too and it's easy to fix. It was a really great poem...hope to read more!
    | Posted on 2005-06-13 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Thys is far better than the one I wrote on crying. I attempted the exact same poem in ‘She Was Shedding Him’ but thys seems to take the “simple” act of crying and flat out (as you sed- “self-explanatorily”) lay it all out there for you to just accept. What’s worse is those with the dry tears who never feel as such when they cry. That makes me want to cry. Or vomit- I can't premember what one... Ah-well... Moving on-

    “a never-ending creation held inside” That is a very different way to see it. I lykey very much so! Peace, love and mechanical E-Cybo-Pooches for all! -!SiX!
    | Posted on 2005-06-21 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]

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