Description: I read a piece on Shanu's page that kind of challenged me to try a new form of poetry. Here's my attempt.
I've made a couple of changes this morning 6-20.
The Ups and Downs of Love -------------------------------------------
He startled the birds and they flew away
So he stepped off the sill
He couldnít stop thinking of her
He walked across the balcony
She was his every thought, his very existence.
He thought of the wedding to be and their life together
And that was the most important thing in the world
He remembered what it was like to be alone
His life had changed when they had met
The red sparkling highlights in her hair
Her teeth, her eyes
Her long beautiful legs
A glimpse of heaven in front of an ice cream truck
His world began and ended right there on the street
Quick kisses gave way to screams in the night
No brakes, just the two of them
Dashing between the cars in the pouring rain
Running through life faster and faster
Experiencing every moment for what it was worth
Exploring the city, exploring each other
They danced, they played, they loved
Like two birds in paradise
Way to go Steve! This was beautiful and very clever and very romantic in a tragic way. Hey just discovered Chell is your wife Holy sh*t~! She's very cool! We have been communicating a lot. She has been very helpful and supportive -put My "Recipe for redemtion on her favs list. Your a very lucky man!
Hey man.. awesome.. Ok this is what I should have done.. a story both ways.. mine was just a half cocked idea that going down it was just confusion and no understanding.. like the perspective of the commuters.. but going up it made sense.. from the guys point of veiw.. ahem.. but your poem.. awesome.. the car accident going down yes? and then suicide on the way up.. very clever man.. the way it should have been done.. reminds me of one of those pictures that becomes something else when you turn it around.. I'll let you know when i perfect mine.. 5 stars.. shaun
wwwooooooooowwww - now this piece is proper awwsome- wooo- seriously i have never felt this amazed after reading a piece of poetry ( i bow down to you-o mighty one ) - iv'e never read a piece like this written so skilfully- i'm slightly lost for words to be honest with you- well there is no critical words i can say about this poem so i just wanted to say how fabulous i think it is and that it's definatly going on my faves list ! luving it ! cally xxxxx
I must give you some great recognition for this. I believe it would be hard to write a peice like this but you did it so well. Two different deaths that parallel which ever way you read it. I like how you begin and end with images of birds. This to me was so clever. I really think that it made a bit more sense going up but eaither way it was so good. I am going to continue this trend and right my own poem like this because I am always trying to expand into all styles. This was so good, thanks for the read, PEACE. This is definitely a fav.
WOW! omg WOW! And you say I have talent? That is so amazing, so beautifully heartbreaking. And the form! How on earth did you do that?? I can't pick a favored line, I like the whole damn thing. Sweetness of first love to passion of lasting love to possible death of love...a whole relationship wonderfully condensed. WOW! ***** 5 stars buddy! Traci :)
Oh my God...That was amazing. I have never read a poem like that before. I am in awe. It was beautifully titled, quite witty of you. I don't think it could have been improved in any ways. I'm glad to have read this. I believe it has made me think in different ways (which is always a good thing). Congratulations on this awesome piece. ~SirensSong~
This is really intriguing, and very very well done....Im really curious to see shanu's submission now, for this is very cleverly put together.....two different stories within not just one story, but within the same words, the same lines...
Made me think of mirrors...how it will reflect the same image, but if you shift a little bit, you will see a different picture...
The only nit-picking I have with the piece is when reading it 'the conventional way' is this part:
"He jumped off the ledge Finding his footing on the balcony"
Im just not sure how one jumps off and then finds footing on a balcony...and Imnot sure how to fix it, either....which makes me the most unhelpful critic ever, but Im sure you will be able to tweak that bit....maybe 'losing his footing'...or 'giving up his footing'...something like that, then it works both ways....
And thats all the picking I could do - other than that, its a great piece....very fresh and intriguing....
I like this a lot, it makes sense both ways, though the only part that kinda sounded funny was reading it backwards at the part where it would say:
He knew what it was like to be alone And that was the most important thing in the world
Saying being alone or knowing what it is like is the most important thing, when read top to bottom it says the wedding was most important, which makes more sense... Anyways.
This is a very sad poem, his wife gets hit by an ice cream truck... they're just being all happy and *BAM*
His world began and ended right there on the street A look at heaven in front of an ice cream truck
His whole life changed. He can't get her off of his mind, all the wonderful memories that will never be again haunt him until he is driven to suicide. I like the effect of the "birds in paradise" at the beginning (or end, depending on which way it is read) and "the birds fluttered away" at the end. It flows well both top to bottom and bottom to top, which is a seemingly difficult thing to pull off. But you did it very nicely. Cheers to that!
Clever! Damn, this must have taken a while to create! Interesting and provocative. Two things: 1) Did she die?
"A look at heaven in front of an ice cream truck"
can be taken two ways, she's waiting for ice cream, or she was hit by the truck. If it's the latter, then that needs to be more emphatic.
2) The third line:
"Finding his footing on the balcony"
to me, is unnesssary, and adds nothing, only confusion. I think you can elininate it by replacing it . To make it more poignant, ask a qustion in L3, something to the effect of "Why is she gone?" or "Why did this have to happen?"
Again I liked this a lot. Extremely clever that it reads both ways. I think you add a bit more punch, and sadness by spelling out that she dies, and he commits suicide.
Mark this day on your calendar, honey! Your wife is speechless!! I really like this and am glad I made it through the wedding. (The ice cream truck has been outside a lot the last week though....) I am going to have to try my hand at this form, if I can think of something to write about! Love, -Chell-
Thatís the second time in a couple of days Iíve read poetry that works both ways - its an incredible form. I would love to try it myself but Iím not sure I am that confident. Something to aim for, perhaps? One of these days.
The other poem was by your wife, Chell. Reading through the comments I can see that you influenced her poem "Flash Back" Iím glad that you made her post it. I think that this is equally good. Iím not going to say which I like best but I think they both deserve going on my fav list.
I think your poem is slightly stronger when you read it back and I confess that I was glancing through the the poems the other day and read this without realising that you were supposed to read it back. I thought 'There's not much to it'. Reading it both ways, I think Wow! However, I do agree that it would be better if you changed the balcony line. To conclude before I rave forever ĎThe birds fluttered awayí is beautiful. Keep in touch, love and peace Comradenessie
this is sposed to inspire me??! WOWSERS! i have never read anythng like this... i like it going back up most... kinda gives me the idea of Pearl Jam's Last Kiss... ya know... how his girl dies in a car wreck and all and then this would be like a newspaper article (perhaps just in a little corner somewhere that not everyone will even notice) tells of the boys suicide after her death... thats just what it did inside my head...
i gotta laugh at myself though... i started reading every words backwards on the way up and was wondering why it wasnt making reals heaps of sense... im a bit of a winner sometimes...
well i cannot make any promises but i shall store this idea away and see what i can come up with... no promises though coz this is an amazing write and i dont wanna detract from its awesomeness by completely sucking! haha! thanx again!
this has me at a loss for words...a new fav for sure...i want to reread this over and over and get the full effect...wow, this is a format that is difficult but is also incredible when done correctly...you have that here...bravo...impressed doesnt even fit!
It's an excelent poem. It's very romantic. I love the part that says "He remembered what it was like to be alone His life had changed when they had met" because I think that it really shows how you feel when you love someone, and really mean it. Plus it's very creative how you wrote it!