untitled by Leala

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Submission Name: untitled dots

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Author:	Leala
Elite Ratio:	3.72 - 245/299/70
Words:	48

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Misc
Total Views:	245
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	371

Description:

untitled dots

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Trusting too easily
and loving too true.
Decieved so easily
and confused so thoroughly.
Trapped
no where near free.
Lost
no where near found
Crying
out your name;
find me,
love me,
tell me the truth.
Wishing
for release;
watch me,
kiss me,
let me go.

Submitted on 2005-06-13 20:51:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hello Trishia,

First I think that these are not random thoughts here. Random thoughts to me are thoughts that do not form a pattern, there is only one piece I have,that I have put as random thoughts, though even in that piece I must admit that inside there is a key that links the entire piece together. Given that I might change it. All the feelings here: trust, deception, confusion, feeling trapped, feeling lost, and longing for release do seem to fit a pattern. One can put there trust in someone or something and could feel deceived then out of that there could be confusion leading to the feeling of being trapped. All of the things described could lead one into being lost and longing for the release. This is why I think perhaps you should change it from random to something else what that would be is entirely in your hands. There is a conflict here not so much in the idea but in the feeling on line 12 there is “love me” yet on line 18 you have “let me go” perhaps in that loving one would let the other go?? I am not sure but it seems to conflict so I thought I would at least ask about that. correction: you have “decieved” I think you want “deceived” instead. As far as the rest it is nice. well done Trishia,

~mike
| Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  i love this. i have had yet to find something like this, it is choppy, but that is awesome, you wrote this so well. and as i read it, i was so...excited, i guess. i have always wanted to write something like this, so choppy, short, and dark, for it all to sound great in the end. you did a very nice job in writing this, i dont know what to say. i love it, great work.
| Posted on 2005-06-13 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the concept of the poem, but it suffers from a lack of imagery to make the reader feel it; it's too detached. 'Trapped' like what? 'Lost like what/who? 'Confused'-how? How badly? Give the reader some details. This has the potential to be really good with some more detail.

Peace,

Joey
| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I second Joey's motion here. There just is no where near enough depth to this poem. For me, even if I tried I wouldn't be able to comfortably read into this. It really does have the potential to be great, based on what was here. Good luck!
Candi
| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  Simple words such an impact...I thought this would be a better fit in the longing section... but its what you're thinking not me heh... you still could add more to this and it'd still be spendid
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]

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