stillness

Author: Sundance ASL Info:    20/F Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 15 /32 /11 Words: 43

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 826 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 291

Description:

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stillness

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Thoughts with holes in between never being complete things that fly and flutter yet never get to utter the words said true bring yourself to me -never truly free keep quiet be still far away never real

Submitted on 2005-06-14 09:26:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

I don't think that "Stillness" is really the title for this, but on the other hand, I don't know what else you would call it. Poetry is all about thoughts and emotions. I think that you could expand on what you already have - the ideas that are already in there. "Thoughts with holes between them" could become the entire piece instead of just one line. What parts of the thoughts do you have? Where is the error in the thoughts? What answers are missing? That sort of thing. The second stanza seems a little bit out of place at the moment. It doesn't really feal like it's connnected to the first. I think that you could probably (keep in mind this is just one of my dumb theories) connect the person comming to you to the thoughts with holes between them. The way it appears now makes me think that they are related, but it's not really connected (i explained). This piece does have immense potential. If you do decide to work on it, let me know when you have a finished copy because I would really like to see what you can turn this into. I know that I am personally scarred to start rewriting something, but I did once and I liked how it turned out. Maybe you'll decide to just leave it the way it is. Everything is beautiful in its own way. ~Jessica

| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]

Hmm.. this one is hard to comment on this. It doesn't always have to be under the category poetry, I mean random thoughts is always available. There was some imagery but alil. I think some of this is oout of place... maybe you wrote each stanza at a differant time... idk well work on it.. Good Luck stephanie

| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]

people these days dont ever finish thoughts and ever truly speak because they feel they would be judged or looked at funny. i liked the way you wrote this piece. it seems you write short poems with such strong meaning. though try going in the dictionary and looking up words and get a bigger word... for some reason bigger words make a poem better...lol overall nicely done though.

| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]

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