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sleepless


Author: Sundance
ASL Info:    20/F
Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 15 /32 /11
Words: 31
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1045
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 213



Description:



all feedback is good


sleepless



Falling freely
I hear the whistling winds
my skin burns up
stomach turning
a lump in my throat
tears forming in my eyes
my hair tangles
tossing and turning with you




Submitted on 2005-06-14 15:57:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like this. I take it to mean 'falling in love'

"Falling freely"

Letting it happen, freely, without restriction. Hence, "whistling winds", "burning skin"' etc.
I suggest keeping the "ing" form for the first and last line only.

"Falling freely"
"tossing and turning with you".

In between use past tense "my skin burned",
"my stomach churned", "lump in my throat", "tears in my eyes", "hair tangled".

I think this will portray the sensation of falling in love more accurately.

A cool poem about a hot topic. It is short in length, but still conveys the feeling, the emotion, the sense of loving without limits. A very good write. I liked it.

Phil
| Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  Judging by the title, it seems as if you wanted to get across the feeling we get before falling asleep when we muse over our woes.
It was a nice write but I have to say I wasn't too of it. The theme wasn't really appealing and the language was way too simple and austere.

Later,

Ethan.
| Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
  i have a feeling that you are going through a bad time with someone.
my favorite part is
"my skin burns up"
i sense strong emtion in that line. because i sometimes feel that way.
| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]


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