Telephone by Brack-Attax

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Submission Name: Telephone dots

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Author:	Brack-Attax
ASL Info:	21/male/phx
Elite Ratio:	6.53 - 175/116/21
Words:	66

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	308
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	567

Description:
I decided to sit down and write about something I use everyday. Something perhaps everybody can relate with. Plus I was a telemarketer, so this was also a way of expressing it.

Telephone dots

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Memories are spoken.
Remembered, forgotten,
put together and broken.

Thoughts are shared.
Opinionated, and compared.
Debating, delightfully conversing,
perhaps a delightful debate;
all apart of this universal theme.

Questions arise,
hoping for an understood
answer as the prize.
Whether laughs or cries,
the sudden ring will
make you sigh.

Emotions and actions
are born, creating
an earfull of distraction.

Submitted on 2005-06-14 17:37:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  thats what the phone does for you, gives an irrating in your ear, i dont appreciate the phone, although it comes in handy. i cant talk for long periods of time my ear starts to hurt. you hit the phone description on the head with this, without being simple and just writting some descriptive words and giving a definition. good little write
| Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
  Telephones, a corupt way to get out looking at someone and talking...oh wait..so is this computer thing...oh well.

You did a nice job on. I really like the first stanza, for some reason it stuck in my head while I was reading. Um...Yeah, good job Mike.

Keep writing!

Kim
| Posted on 2005-06-26 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  i think the title is the only glue that holds these pieces together... is that intentional? there seem to be very little links within the poem... it seems to me to be more random ideas than a whole piece... that may just be me though.

Memories are spoken.
Remembered, forgotten,
put together and broken.

i really like this stanza... its so simple but its so the essence of the write... really i think you could just have this stanza and it would say everything that needs to be said in some ways...

Debating, delightfully conversing,
perhaps a delightful debate

these lines dont work for me... im all for word play but im not sure this is as effective as it could be... it just sounds like superfluous repetion to me...

however the third stanza is brilliant... it says what it needs to... its true that the prize of a phonecall is being understood... no one can see hand gestures over the phone (something i need to learn!) and words can easily be misconstrued and everything can get messy so understanding is indeed the prize.

i hope this has kinda helped and i havent sounded totally down on you or nothing... if you make any changes to it at all let me know... id be interested to check it out again. good luck
| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree that the title does glue the peom together, but everything is placed where it needs to be placed. I like how you describe mental actions that occur with the phone:
"Memories are spoken.
Remembered, forgotten,
put together and broken."
That's a pretty good view of it.
| Posted on 2005-06-14 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed this.. I do agree there isnt much holding it togeter. But it seems to me that it is almost the intention. I like the whole setup with the stanzas showing all the different things that happens between two people (or one person (I just saw that:)) on the telephone.
Not my favourite piece about the telephone, thats reserved for ELO. But its definately second.
Good job.
Ratio M. Ducet III
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]
  How's it hangin Mikey! nice job. i hate talking on the telephone. I'm kinda biased tho, cuz i've had relationships end over it. that sux. anyways, good job,~nahlij
| Posted on 2005-06-18 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
  If anything, this piece was original in its' topic. The subject is used every second of everyday, taken for granted. The flow was a little off. I agree with Someonesepiphany that the third stanza is the best. I too am writing a book, it's a brilliant exercise. Take it easy.
| Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]

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