Description: Firstly, you'll notice awkward wording and phrasing. i'm aware of all of these flaws. but once you understand the poem, you'll probably understand the reason. if you can fit into the style and still suggest phrases that work better, please let me know.
secondly, once you read the poem, go through and read the first letter of each line. there's a reason why it's called "arrogance in an acrostic". this should help you understand why it ends in a colon.
for comprehension purposes, i'll give a little background on the poem:
girl likes boy, boy finds out. boy treats girl like dirt. girl promises she's over boy. they become freinds again. it turns out girl is not over boy. that should help clear it up a little.
this is maybe the hardest poem i've tried to write, and i know its not very good. because of this, please be gentle in your criticism =]
Arrogance in an Acrostic -------------------------------------------
In the coldest coners of a friendship gone awry, lurk the
Secret leagues of broken promises.
I wasn't even going to tell you
That's proof enough that I lied when I said I was over it.
Secret leagues of broken promises
Overnight, turn into public effigies.
Friends? I've heard that line one time too many.
Unbeautiful words work miracles.
"Can't we just be friends?"
Keep that one readily available.
It works like a charm.
Never waste a line like that.
Grotesque faces turn away
When you unveil that masterpiece.
Real girls aren't worth the time of day
Over your perfect 50's pinup.
Not even the
Girl of your dreams
Tips the scales - unless, that is, you're dreaming.
Have you any idea that you are perhaps the most
Arrogant boy
That I have ever found myself entangled with?
Is there any justification for your trust, remarkably
Like Narcissus,
Of your own perfection?
Venom in your eyes is the key:
Every time you glance at a girl
Your arrogant fire is fuled as she melts
Over whatever it is about you - so now that you
Understand my case in full, perhaps you can explain:
i saw no issue with this at all... i think you have crafted it well and get your point across very clearly. the last line is a killer...
i admire people who are able to stick to a set structure and also display their point fully at the same time... it takes a lot of time and effort and adjusting and playing round to make the words play the game... seriously well done.
Secret leaugues of broken promises.
i like this line... i like it a lot (though im thinking its sposed to be 'leagues'...) theres something about this image that captured me...
the sarcasm and perhaps bitterness that revolves around the "friends" idea is brilliant! im sure its been thought many a time and it is the HUGEST cop out ever known to man...
i really liked this write and think you shouldnt be so hard on yourself... it really is well thought out and written.
There's some typos: The title: "Accrostic" should be "acrostic". 1st line: "coners" should be "corners. 2nd line: "leaugues" should be "leagues". 4th line: 2 different "i"s need to be capitalized. 18th line: "you" should be "your". 22nd line: "i" should be capitalized. 30th line: "fuled" should be "fueled".
Don't sell yourself short, I think this is great! I never thought ending the last line of a poem with a colon would work, but I think it definitely works here. Quite an ambitious task you took on, and so creative! You made up your own rules- I love it when writers do that. I wouldn't suggest changing any lines because you tell the story quite concisely and bluntly- yet in a way that's interesting to read. I used to have a boyfriend seemingly like the one you described. The reminder made me all the more glad I dumped him. If you fix the typos I'll add it to my favorites. Let me know if you do.
Submission Name: Arrogance in an Acrostic
