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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: New Userdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: gavinspikenard
    ASL Info:    20-something/m/USA
    Elite Ratio:    2.85 - 273/334/104
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 518
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1111



    Description:
       Questions? Contact me through a private message...


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    dotsNew Userdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Nostrils flare to form open doors
    A furious entry leaves my capillaries swollen
    How can something so white
    burn purity black?
    I tremble
    I wobble
    I cough and I stumble
    The ground feels as cold as my draining persona
    A fool and his curiosity
    Temple without tolerance
    In one split-second my pupils dilate and shatter
    Drowning in tears: a consequence suffered
    Too much, too fast
    Taken badly, very rapidly
    I wish I could clutch my stomach even tighter,
    taking some focus off the pain in my chest
    Words fail to find their place in me
    (and so does a heartbeat)
    I'm flying through emptiness
    With only four senses left...
    ...three...ears twitch internally
    ... ... ... ... ...two...hands grow numb
    ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...one...sight replaced by darkness

    The final step to an unintentional farewell...

    This is the last straw (I will ever use to snort cocaine)
    It has to be...
    ...because I'm dead now




    Submitted on 2005-06-15 01:10:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was a good read. Not quite what I expected- not sure why. Good descriptive words- I could see this happening in my mind. i liked also the little picture that tied it together. The only thing I didn't really care for was the ending. The aburt death- I know you probably had the death as like an effect- a poem with a moral. But to me it seemed sudden, almost like a cop out ending, but thats just me. Overall, a good job. Keep at it and take care.
    -Katj
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by Katj | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... very raw. i like that this is a good write and read. great job. i thought you used great word choices which made everything that much more raw. and emotional great job keep it up
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem! I find it to be original with lots of truth and emotion! A true love/hate relationship with evil! great expression of words creating vivid imagery. Nice job! Take care!
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This [censored] was raw. It got straight to the point.You pianted a little picture for the reader
    Good use of words I like the ending but i think u are to blunt at the end with the line "because i'm dead now" i think u should go along little bit longer but other than that it was good.well hope to hear from you. Keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by seven11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great. You could enter an anti-drug poem contest. I believe that this kinda harshness and BRUTE FORCE of reality would turn kids from that stuff. It is good as a poem also! - although you could do without the brackets - let the readers figure something out on their own. Seeya!
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by shoggoth | [ Reply to This ]



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