A Victim by inkonspikuous

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Submission Name: A Victim dots

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Author:	inkonspikuous
ASL Info:	21/f/va
Elite Ratio:	5.94 - 76/74/26
Words:	213

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	234
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1293

Description:
In terms of feedback? just be honest and tell me what you think. I was really messed up the day I wrote this the whole day was just one big disaster after another...

A Victim dots

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Always wrong, forever lazy, and worthless,
a victim of my age.
Void, full of anger, and hatred,
a victim of your childhood.
I dont want to be fixed, and
crying is an unfit outward expression
of the pain that lies inside of me,
a victim of my mind.
Not bold enough to show my anger,
and not smart enough to search for another way,
a victim of my heart.
A revolution of my heart,
a chance to make you understand
dont want you to be blinded by emotions
want you to be able to see my scars,
to understand why I bleed inside.
Understand the obstacles you put in front of me
and how they made me the person I love to hate,
a victim of poetry.
I want you to know the pains that exist in me,
but the words to explain it dont exist,
a victim of language.
I hate this limited vocabulary I have,
in the dictionaries I have searched to no avail
with many pens I wrote until the ink was no more.
No run-on was long enough,
no metaphor profound enough,
convinced it was my error; (I found myself)
raping my mind with re-runs
of my own emotional murder,
a victim of myself.
Who can save me?

Submitted on 2005-06-15 01:18:26 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I'm sorry, I promised I would comment on every poem of yours but I can't really say anything about this.

I can feel a lot of emotion there but it seems undirected.
The way this is written, short and choppy makes me feel angry while reading it but I don't know what I should be angry at. lol

"I want you to know the pains that exist in me,
but the words to explain it dont exist"?
Truer words seem never spoken.

I'm sorry, this is a [censored] criticism.
I'm really lost here though
| Posted on 2007-02-09 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this a lot. At first it seemed a bit confusing because i thought you were referring to someone, maybe a lover, that has caused you pain, then you werre talking about the repeating of emotions and running out of things to say. it only confused me al ittle, but all in all, i liked it a lot.
Not bold enough to show my anger,
and not smart enough to search for another way
i'm hoping this isn't related to suicide in any way...

..but i like it, very, very nice
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this one a lot, no spelling errors and the flow of the poem is there the whole way through,i do think that it would be easier to read if you put it into stanza's
ex
Always wrong, forever lazy, and worthless,
a victim of my age.
Void, full of anger, and hatred,
a victim of your childhood.

I dont want to be fixed, and
crying is an unfit outward expression
of the pain that lies inside of me,
a victim of my mind.

and then so on and so forth.

this has a very deep meaning for me that's what i got, kinda like that you want help but you don't know how to get it or you don't want to have to ask for help, and i have to say that my favorite lines would be
"Always wrong, forever lazy, and worthless,
a victim of my age.
Void, full of anger, and hatred,
a victim of your childhood.
I dont want to be fixed, and
crying is an unfit outward expression
of the pain that lies inside of me,
a victim of my mind.
Not bold enough to show my anger,
and not smart enough to search for another way"
and i like those lines so much because at times they are me.

~liz~
| Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
  "crying is an unfit outward expression
of the pain that lies inside of me"
Nice line ma'dam! Very nice indeed.
I liked this a great deal, i however feel it kind of loses touch with itself a little bit at certain points. But. wow. I enjoyed,
"I hate this limited vocabulary I have"
To "a victim of myself." and everything in between alot.
Im not too sure if you really need that last line or not.. it seems to just be tacked on...
Maybe try..
A victim of myself;
So who could save me?
But i really dont know (Im just a neander'er in every sense of the word).
Anyways, i enjoyed this piece.
RMDIII
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]

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