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Guilt on ice


Author: Kaitylizzy
ASL Info:    20/female/Vermont
Elite Ratio:    8 - 284 /172 /36
Words: 68
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 979
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 520



Description:


Guilt we all have it some worse than others.


Guilt on ice



Thin cracks dance along the ice.
One starts, but soon an army follows,
flooding the peace with drowning guilt.


It creeps decouring the vurnurable,
Tourchering the strong,
reminding of choices; inexcusable.


Tears skitter the hollow faces,
becomming venom of the devoring creature,
poison shames the soul.


The ice once smooth and clear,
now, streaked with shame,
Breaks,. the murky water eats way.




Submitted on 2005-06-15 08:09:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Oh very true, very true indeed..you bring the feeling to life with these images of cracked ice, venom and murky water...especially the lines,

'One starts, but soon an army follows,'

this is very true of how guilt works, at least for me..you find one thing to be guilty about, and suddenly more and more appear..until you're drowning in your own guilt and regret and..

'the murky water eats way'

I think that should be 'away'.

don't let it devour you! fend it off with chocolate icecream, and lots of mates! ;)

peacenlove
alexis
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh my, this poem is something else! Let me get the bad out of the way first.

Spelling is the only thing wrong with this poem. The reason I say this is because misspelled word bring so much attention to themselves that they sometimes draw attention away from the poem itself. For example, where you say "Tourchering the strong," the first thing that came to my mind was a torch, not because of symbolism or anything, but because you spelled torturing like you did, and I in my trying to decipher what word you meant to spell, I got "torch". As I went on to read it, however, I knew you meant torturing, but do you see how it takes away from the poem? The poem has nothing to do with fire and yet I got that mental image because of a simple spelling error.

I'm lacking in poetic skill anyway, but I would have never ever thought to liken guilt to an ice pond. Being able to see the similiarities between two completely different things is sometimes considered a mark of genius. This poem makes a beautiful and vivid correlation between guilt and ice. What makes it even more beautiful is that the vividness of the wording and rhythm of the poem is a stark contrast to the actual contents of the poem, which is dark and dreary guilt, cold, and ice.


"Tears skitter the hollow faces,
becomming venom of the devoring creature,
poison shames the soul."

I don't quiet know what this stanza meant, but I'll try and give it a shot (isn't that what poetry is all about? ^_^). Uhm, I got the first line, but I don't see thow that correlates to the pond of ice. But yeah, tears skitter along their hollowed faces and become the venom of the devouring creature which may very well be guilt (the cracks) itself. Poison shames the soul may be meant to be taken literally, but I think that it might have been more effective if it were switched around to say "shame poisons the soul," since shame/guilt is the devouring creature and the cracks in the ice pond, much like the cracks poison the integrity and beauty of the pond, allowing the murky waters beneath to ooze to the surface. I think you might have had that in mind because your next stanza says exactly that.

Up in the second stanza where you say "torturing the strong," I think that if you depicted a specific type of torture, especially torture involving the cold, it would have been very effective in relaying the message of pain and desolance across to the reader, making them feel it much more acutely than just a general term of torture.

And here is a message of hope for any one crumbling under the burden of guilt: it's only as damaging as you let it be. There is always a second chance; there is always a way that you can pick up the pieces of you life and keep on moving. Sure, you've made mistakes. Perhaps some really grave ones. But I truly do believe in the power of love and forgiveness. My prayer for anyone who is burdened heavily with guilt is that you will meet someone or experience something that will open your eyes to just how much good is in the world... and in you.

Okay, I'm done now. ^_^ I'm very impressed; this was a good, short, clean, and complexly simple write. Great job!

-Junette
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by NightCrawler | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, some people can spell, some can't. It's based on whether your primary mode of thought is visual, auditory or even kinesthetic. Not to insult you, but merely to help, here is your poem proof-read, although I had no idea what your "decouring" meant!

Thin cracks dance along the ice.
One starts, but soon an army follows,
flooding the peace with drowning guilt.

It creeps discovering the vulnerable,
Torturing the strong,
reminding of choices; inexcusable.

Tears skitter the hollow faces,
becoming venom of the devouring creature,
poison shames the soul.

The ice once smooth and clear,
now, streaked with shame,
Breaks, the murky water eats away.


The basic image of this poem is good, the purity and solidity of ice being eroded by guilt as if by salt and grit and heat. You capture well the insidious creeping nature of guilt. I think the poem might work better with an extra verse at the beginning describing the perfection of an unsullied, innocent, ice-covered lake, so that we have a contrast with the effects of the guilt later in the poem.
| Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]


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