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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Crying Outdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 218
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1639
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1272



    Description:
       I know it is too long poem and I wish you will not find it boring to read such long one. I think the point of the poem is clear enough. But I think this poem needs more things in order to look better than it is. Please tell everything that goes into your minds in order to improve my work. Hope you will all like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrying Outdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I want to cry out
    with all my strength
    though my voice may
    echo haltingly.
    " I'm not a slave anymore. "
    " I'm your slave no more. "

    I want to cry out
    With all my strength .
    " I'm a free bird that, breathing easily, soars in the vast sky "

    I want to cry out
    with all my strength
    like a spring of water
    gushing from hard rocks.
    " I've gained nothing from loving.
    but pains from thorns
    of these deceiving roses. "

    I want to cry out
    with all my strength
    though my voice may echo haltingly.
    " The prisoner of that metallic
    cage is free, soaring and spreading
    his wings as there's nothing
    to fear anymore."
    I have found a loyal fellow.
    And what else would I need?

    I want to cry out
    with all my strength
    and show the whole earth
    that I'm still standing and strong
    and able to face your terrible deeds.
    I've passed the deserts
    of your cruel heart.
    And find myself in the
    green oasis of a new love.




    Submitted on 2005-06-15 11:57:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've read each of the above comments and I think they've all said what was needed... I admire the fact that english is your second language and you are trying to post in it. You are both posting in the main language as well as giving english speaking and reading people...the chance to be a part of poetry and life through your eyes.. That's most assuridly admirable and cool! Thanks for such a touching piece I could share with you as well.
    | Posted on 2011-04-04 00:00:00 | by trynfinity | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm reading this fine poem again, and I want to suggest some corrections to the English grammar. This is difficult for me, because English is flexible, so that an unusual sentence or line may be good, just because it is unusual! That is the advantage of being a poet in a language that is not your native language! You can produce sentences that I would never be able to invent.

    The following suggestions are just about lines in which your English seems to be wrong because it gives a meaning which you probably did not intend.

    "that my voice may echo haltingly" might have clearer meaning if you wrote: ""though my voice may echo haltingly" or "although". It means nearly the same as "but" or "except"... if I read your intention well enough!

    "I'm a free bird that breathing easily..." has a problem with the word "that'. Two alternative ways to write this sentence would be: "I'm a free bird breathing easily, that soars in the vast sky..." or else: "I'm a free bird that, breathing easily, soars in the vast sky ..." Your analysis of these two variations will show you how the position of a comma is often important to the meaning of a sentence; and also how the best employment of those very useful words THAT and WHICH is a good thing to look for when you read any text in English.

    Spelling errors: Only one! THORN

    But the whole sentence with "thorn" is faulty. "I've gained nothing from loving but pains from thorns" would be correct. That is, you erase a fullstop, the capital B, and "of". There are several ways how to say that sentence differently. For example: "I've gained nothing from loving but the pains of the thorns." Or: "I've gained nothing from loving but pain from its thorns." Or: "I've gained nothing from loving but pains from thorns." Or: "I've gained nothing from loving but its thorns' pains." From these examples, you can see how the word OF always gives a problem about how to use it, and whether to use the possessive apostrophe instead.

    "And what else I'll need" should be "And what else would I need?" Or: "... a loyal fellow: what else do I need?" Or: "... I'll need nothing else ..."

    Of course there are many other solutions for those lines. I am really just telling you about the grammatical problems which you have run into without fully understanding that there is a problem! As for changing those lines - I'm sure you have many possibilities more than the plain examples I have given in my attempt to explain.

    I think it's a beautifully made poem, and also it is about an important story which many people can remember in their own lives or would like to read about; and so it is worthy of your attention to finishing its form. The sound of this poem is successful in expressing the passions of which it speaks.
    | Posted on 2008-09-11 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      It is one of the best love poems I have read in this website. A love poem which interests more than two people is difficult to write; I think you have achieved that here!

    Everybody has commented about your good writing in English, which is your second language. I want to do so too. I tell you that after you have read more books in English, you might write more conventional English; but that might not be a good thing!

    I hope you will write your poetry after reading the literature of your home language. That's because your poetry reminds me of some Arabic poetry which I have read in translation. Your kind of thought and feeling is impossible for an English native to write. In fact, you are bringing your language and culture to the language which I can read. That is a very special kind of literary work. I thank you for doing it! (I live in Australia.)
    | Posted on 2008-04-10 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this poem, there are some spelling errors but hell who doesn't make them. I know I make them all the time ^.^ but it's a lovely poem
    | Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by Babykatty | [ Reply to This ]
      Well dear this is such a lovely poem. The vision you have created here stands out vibrantly. You asked what I thought and I shall say that not many reach this level of understanding, it's not quite that easy to cry out when you get right down to it. Sometimes you need to whisper before you can scream. Amazing job.
    Thankyou for your comment on 'Sitting on a Cloud'


    Blessed Be!
    | Posted on 2005-07-02 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting piece. I notice that you're from Egypt and I love the way you've woven in the desert, the oasis and the "spring of water gushing from hard rocks". These things really make the piece Egyptian.

    There are some spelling errors and a few awkward pieces of grammar. Is English your native language? I guess I'm hesitating to give you a detailed nitpick. If you're just learning English, then this a great start. I can give you a few specific things I noticed if you'd like. You can send me a personal note if you're interested.
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this.
    you had a few spelling and grammer mistakes but im not sure if you even speak english in egypt?

    i loved the point of this.
    it wasnt that long.. it was a good length because it kept you inerested and reading.

    it was well written as far as form and wording. very powerful and thoughtful

    "I want to cry out
    with all my strenght
    like a spring of water
    gushing from hard rocks.
    " I've gained nothing of loving.
    But pains of that throns
    of these deceiving roses. ""

    this was my favorite part. it is something that alot of people can relate to.
    Great job my friend-
    jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      He he, you're my random person of the day. ;)
    (and what a coincidence, I have a cousin named Khaled.)

    anyhow on to this poem, which I thought was really heartfelt, very yearning, and sad...awww...what a cruel lover... but it's like the narrator doesn't mind, he will pass the 'trials' he will do anything for her...

    tsk tsk. If this is personal, I'd say send the
    b itch packing. tee hee!

    There are a few grammer/spelling mistakes, but Im not sure if you are learning english, but you really convey emotion so wonderfully, and if this isnt your native language WOW.
    I could never write like this in another language. ;)

    My fav part is
    'I've passed the deserts
    of your cruel heart.
    And find myself in the
    green oasis of a new love'

    arghhh! that is so cool! I love this, it really sums up this piece..

    thanks for the read.
    may you soar and soar...

    alexis
    | Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      hi dear I liked your poem there are a few spelling mistakes, but we all have them. Now to the meaning I think it is terrific poem, I understand the passion hidden in it. The image of free bird flying again through clouds, breathing fresh air was awesome.
    I wish I could break my cage and do feel free again. But I am glad that you made, I am very happy about it. Hope to hear from you some details about it.


    I want to cry out
    with all my strength
    that my voice may echo haltingly.
    " The prisoner of that metallic
    cage is free, soaring and spreading
    his wings as there's nothing
    to fear anymore."
    I have found a loyal fellow.
    And what else I'll need?

    It is obvious that this is my favourite line
    A nice piece maybe work on the grammar/spelling factor again.
    With love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    62911

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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