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without her


Author: jermwerm
ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203 /268 /83
Words: 35
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1427
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 179



Description:




without her



Without her love I live without joy,
without her kiss I have no home.
Without her arms, her laughs, her voice,
I'm without life without a choice.




Submitted on 2005-06-16 18:42:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  all i can say is that this is far to little. it seems as though you're trying to carry through this a sense of desperation and longing. but something that deep can't be summed up into such little words. at least i haven't seen it yet. so why don't you go deeper with this? expose all the ugliness and beauty behind it. purge all those emotions you can't show at work or in public. show what it means. how you see it everywhere. the best way is to go as deep as you can. and this just seems like the surface. i'd be interested in reading this re written with a little more given
later
skilless
| Posted on 2005-06-16 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
  Short, sweet, and to the point. A nice change. Sometimes, I felt as thought the wording was a bit...un-natural.

" Without her love I live without joy,
without her kiss I have no home.
Without her arms, her laughs, her voice,
I'm without life without a choice."

I felt the last line should have been something like "I'm without life...I have no choice." But maybe that's just my style. Anyways, like I said before a nice short and sweet write. Keep on writing there, Peace.

-LucyDiamond
| Posted on 2005-06-17 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]


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