Longing For Serenity by detatched

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Submission Name: Longing For Serenity dots

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Author:	detatched
ASL Info:	26/m/ohio
Elite Ratio:	2.58 - 7/9/7
Words:	73

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	263
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	532

Description:
Would like some ruthlessly honest feedback.

Longing For Serenity dots

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Longing for serenity
In this satire called life,
As I long to play the part of citizen
Happily under control.
Seeing I'm meaningless
And doomed to continue this fragile existence
From beginning to end alone,
I cling to a false hope
For security and assurance,
Only to be pushed away and forgotten,
Until imagination takes control
Capsizing my world,
Causing me to lose hold
And bringing me back around
Still longing for serenity.

Submitted on 2005-06-17 06:49:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I enjoyed this poem very much, and I usually don't impose my edits on others only suggest, but you said to be ruthless - just remember this opinion of one and no one is perfect, and we can't see past who we are.

Longing for serenity,
In this satire called life,
I'll play the part of a citizen.
Sure. happily under control.

Seeing I'm meaningless,
And doomed to continue this fragile existence.
From beginning to end, alone.

I cling to a false hope,
For security and assurance,
Only to be pushed away and forgotten.

Until imagination takes control;
Capsizing my world,
Causing me to lose hold,
And bringing me back around,
Still longing for serenity.

I thought about changing the last line but I think I've done enough butchering, overall I give the your original work 4/5. It made me smile, not because of the topic, but because of its beauty.
| Posted on 2005-06-17 00:00:00 | by MrBear | [ Reply to This ]
I like this alot it is very good just the way it is. It seems as though that your hunting for a place in this world but its very hard to fit in. The world seems to just turn from you. I know how that feels and I try to correct that!
| Posted on 2005-06-17 00:00:00 | by takenspiritwind | [ Reply to This ]

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