Description: something outside of my usual style. normally I am quite longwinded in my poetry I guess. again, comments are greatly appreciated.
... that never was. -------------------------------------------
Sandcastle building and
the fragility of dreams.
Our sandcastle was made to collapse
even before
the waves of uncertainty
swept it off
the shore of amateur love.
I liked this poem so much that it is going on my fav. list.I liked your metaphor of love as a sandcastle.Its funny how the everyday objects that we see or use can be compared to our lives.The poem was short, but it got its meaning through.Thanks for your comment on A Toast To Perfection.I think I will break it up into stanzas and on the last part of the poem I was trying to make the girls last name rhyme with institiution.I am not the greatest person when it comes to rhyming.
The meaning has great merit,but the poem itself seem akward and not because how long it is.
Here's my suggestion on this one:
Sandcastles have no foundation for dreams Why did try? Knowing our sandcastle will collaspe with the undertow of uncertainty Leaving the shore of amateur love barren
the shortness is great. strong not long and i was recently at a beach and attempted to build a sand castle but well it was never really built. Its very sad and very good. Your poem has a quick brilliance that makes a quick impression. Bye, Ash.
Short but meaningful enough to be called a great poem... Yanno amateur love, though fragile and often tragic, is worth it wouldn't you say... to be able to experience the full range of emotions in life from extreme joy to overwhelming pain, it makes life that much more real and worthy don'tcha think... love and lose are beautiful as long as you allow yerself to grow from it instead of letting it beat you down... amateur love is our first test between now and the rest of our lives... Your sandcastle as anyother was not meant to last, but then again, shouldn't have been... The sun keeps rising, and the tides keep changing whether that castle is there or not... To realise this is to know that no matter the rise or fall of love and loss is to find your way to immortality by being able to live till a tomorrow that's always just a day away... (snaps out of trans) wow where am i? i lost myself there... your poem allowed for some interesting and beautiful thought... thank you very much... i look forward to reading more of yer work... take care my friend and i hope to hear from you
I usually like to see more length in my poetry, but this is perfect. Almost an epiteth, a headstone marker for a love that was destined to fail. Very good use of analogy. Clear and concise. No need to try and flesh out a love that had no meat to it.
Or could that love have worked, but it was ended because an 'unexpected wave' trashed it into oblivion?
Either way, a well put together piece. I would suggest using capitolization. It will read easier for us anal writers...
i agree, it is like an epitaph, well, possibly the epitaph of a very rich person... seeing as it is long for an epitaph- and a very very astute analogy- it could be applied to a great many things- *md*
I KNOW the poem is short already, but I don't feel you need these two first lines. I'd replace em with two at the end instead. Otherwise: Great imagery and good poem.
our sandcastle was made to collapse even before the waves of uncertainty swept it off the shore of amateur love.
“Is it better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all?”
Among the main concepts with regards to building sandcastles is that… you are, most likely, armed with the knowledge that it is impermanent. And yet, most people still building them, spending irreplaceable time watering, molding and [censored]... all for the pleasure of it. Perhaps, its because the real gift of sandcastles lie within the process and not the product. It goes with the sweat and the feeling of anticipation. You know… in dreams wherein you’re about to do something you’ve always wanted to do… then you wake up. The feeling you felt before waking up, the feeling of nearly grasping success… it’s quite similar to that. Same thing goes with happiness. When you wake up one morning feeling that “this day has so much possibility for happiness…” that is, in its self… is actual happiness.
Love, in most cases, goes with that familiar pattern. People enjoy juggling their relationships despite the frustrations that come with it. The downside is that, when you’ve invested so much emotional currency in it, then you’d feel robbed when everything turns to [censored].
But love is a game in it’s own right… the kind that has a consolation prize. I mean… was it not worth it to have known that feeling?
The good thing about it is that it is a game and the only way you’ll lose is if you don’t play.
This was short and straight to the point. Sometimes its hard to get something across with such few lines, but you did it wonderfully.
It is such a sad destiny when a love is trashed to nothing before it barely gets started. But, I strongly believe in destiny, and it has a way of changing things for the better.
I would suggest adding some capitalization to this, just to make it read better. Ofcoarse this is only my opinion.
Submission Name: ... that never was.
again, comments are greatly appreciated.
