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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hidden Treasuredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Arrowcat
    ASL Info:    19/F/New Zealand
    Elite Ratio:    3.75 - 34/48/15
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1215
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 721



    Description:
       (looks around) Oh hi, if you havent read my other work....(points right)..yeah... anything goes! Thanks to Leala for contributing to the last Stanza which has been edited and changed, because the original didnt fit, thank you to Ratiomeducet for a new more befitting title and thank you to Rayven Ailerion for pointing out my wrong spelling of wick.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHidden Treasuredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Before you lies a tower,
    Locked without a key,
    Somewhere inside is gold,
    Somewhere inside is me.

    A cold and icy outside,
    encases every brick,
    Deep within a candle burns,
    Tiny is the wick.

    Some may pursue this great reward,
    The number is but few,
    Most forget the whick within,
    And focus on the shrew.

    The smallest number find within,
    The gold that is the girl,
    The loving, caring, gentle heart,
    Shiny like a pearl.

    Will you find this lost soul?
    Will you forget the shrew?
    Will you climb the icy walls,
    And find the maiden true?"






    Submitted on 2005-06-18 04:06:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is pretty decent.. I have a couple of neandering recomendations tho..
    I would cut the last stanza.. It does nothing for your work if you ask me...
    I think this reads pretty well.. The tower being your outer shell and the gold within being your being? Maybe? dunno tho im quite terrible at understanding works sometimes..
    My second recomendation is the title.. Try like "Hidden treasure" but something better.. Maybe just try some different things.. I believe the current title doesnt do the piece justice though... Just some addled thoughts.
    Good tidings to you and your kin,
    Ratio M Ducet III
    | Posted on 2005-06-18 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm, a couple comments/suggestions.

    "A cold and icy outside,
    encases every brick,"

    If you are saying the tower is your defense/ the thing hiding your candle, than this doesnt work. this line makes it seem as if the tower too is special. But since you've locked yourself into a rhyme scheme maybe say

    "A cold and icy outside,
    made of heavy brick,"

    - I tried to keep the beat and such too.. just a suggestion.

    "Will you find this lost soul?
    Will you forget the tower?
    Will you climb the icy walls,
    And find the maiden flower?"

    Well, I like the thought of this stanza but as Ratio pointed out it doesnt do much for the poem as is. Maybe to tie it with the poem you can bring back the earlier mentioned shrew. And as I said before you have an internal rhyme scheme going on so here is my suggested change.

    "Will you find this lost soul?
    Will you forget the shrew?
    Will you climb the icy walls,
    And find the maiden true?"

    I picked true because it kept the internal rhyme. And because when the word maiden is used, the general asessment is purity.

    I hope I helped? Good writing, please let me know if you edit this. -trishi
    | Posted on 2005-06-18 00:00:00 | by Leala | [ Reply to This ]
      Cool, I liked this one. Prolly my favorite so far that I've read in awhile. It describes one of the best lessons anyone has to learn...to be brave enough to look inside of someone. I hate it when people are too afraid to get to know me, that's one of the reasons I'm such a people person. I love to know what kind of a person everyone is. We're all different so I think everyone should have the experience to just go up to a person and find out about them. Your poem is definately going on my favs. Can't wait to read more from you!
    ~steph~
    | Posted on 2005-06-18 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm adding this poem to my favorites because of the first stanza,

    Before you lies a tower,
    Locked without a key,
    Somewhere inside is gold,
    Somewhere inside is me.

    It came to me unexpected and made this poem extra special. The candles were a nice touch, not everyone would find that rhyme. I liked the end, but I think it could be better. Like, showing how they could find the girl would be nice. 5/5
    | Posted on 2005-06-18 00:00:00 | by MrBear | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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