Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

the fuzzy channel


Author: shes automatic
ASL Info:    17/f/ky
Elite Ratio:    2.99 - 47 /62 /13
Words: 193
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1307
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1193



Description:


usually my poems are nothing but a sputter of words/emotions that just happen to pour out on my paper like they do.
this has kind of a rhythm to it. i was pleased with the outcome.
comment away. :)


the fuzzy channel



the rhythm of my footsteps across your aging hard wood floor
have echoed past your ears and you'll never hear it again
the comforting closeness of you
is completely lost in what i tried to gain
my ballerina lie
dancing around you so close
but as light as a feather it will never make a sound

the constant beat of my heart inside my chest
has rang in my ear and bounced off these 4 walls inconsistently
the reassuring beat of yours next to mine
is 2 towns over forgetting this car crash
your endearing eyes
they see right through my convincing mask
and never do they say a word of how that mask has blocked your fingertips

the piercing silence of complete nothingness
has driven me to my own madness inside this dwelling
the everything in you
has been forever gone as i strain my eyes to try to find you in the darkness
our complete undying love
a swirling mystifying memory
that i will never be able to grasp again

i tripped and fell.
and killed the butterfly landing on the grass beneath us.





Submitted on 2005-06-18 12:24:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I got this poem but I'd have to say this is one of my least favorites all ur other seemed so personal and I liked that and this didn't seem as personal I could be wrong but it was still good just not one of my favorites
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by in_my_suffering | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like the title with this piece. It fits really well I think. You gave a lot of great descriptions in this. "Aging hard wood floor", "piercing silence of complete nothingness" were my favorites. :) The reason I think the title fits so well with this is because you sort of jump around to the different feelings and places you are in love with this person. First the hard wood floor, then together dancing, next your feeling of everything about this person, and then the butterfly on the grass. I thought the ending was really good. It gave us all we needed to know, as in mistakes happen, and then ended it. Sort of like a "Fuzzy channel". LoL That probably doesn't make sense but that's what I thought. Really great job! :)

-blt
| Posted on 2005-06-18 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  this was kind of unique which showed a great concept. you force bountiful effort upon this written piece, keep up the good work !
| Posted on 2005-06-18 00:00:00 | by J-IDENTITY | [ Reply to This ]
  In my own personally opinion
This was excellent and nothing short
Like borderline said,
The descriptions in this piece were intelligent at least
And the ending was very well done
One small thing-
It might- be better to use "Four" and "Two"
instead of 4 and 2 =O
Just me though
Big Bill-
| Posted on 2005-06-19 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



63292