Description: This... well I'm not sure about this. The ending needs some work and I know there is some spelling issues. This isn't about anything peticular. It just popped in my head on my walk home today. Let me know wht you think. Be as brutal as you want.
Sad Girl -------------------------------------------
What a sad little girl
So depressed and dreary
always sleeping
so tired, so weary
Ever thining
ever so frail
for nutrition
her body wails
happiness?
Is there such a word?
so foreign
almost never heard
In her own puke
and in her own tears
this girl just lies
wraped in her fears
Thoughts haunting
filling her mind
horrors and terorrors
of all kinds
screaming and thrashing
tossing and turning
pulling her hair so hard
her scalp is burning
Is this girl crrazy?
Does she need a pill?
No my friend
it will only kill
Her mind is fragial
just leave her alone
she will get out
when she finds the truth
in my personal openion this is very original and i like it.i have nvere read anything about a girl throwing up although yes about the crazy and sad part butnot this one...it was diffrent i dont know how but it had a flare to it that not many have...
Well, I was going to say it didn't say much, but then the last stanza kind of gets a message across. My thoughts? If you're going to describe this girl, use metaphors or more descriptive terms, so it's not instantly forgettable. There are a million poems like this, and you need to make yours unforgettable in some small way, that's the hard part. There's nothing really wrong with your poem, it's just very much the same as all the others. Be Happy Graeme
I don't know what wewak was talking about I mean I thoguht it was pretty good. Sure the "Gist" was a little prdictable I mean everbocy reads these kinds of poems a lot. But other than the un-originality of it. it was pretty good. so yeah good job and keep writing. THNX
This is mostly well written, but some of your rhymes made me wince, but that’s probably just my personal (if sporadic) objection to anything that rhymes too perfectly. I read the title of the piece and expected it to be terrible, it wasn’t. It is unoriginal and if you just describe emotions and feeling, then a writing will often seem unoriginal. It was however, much better written than most similar examples I’ve read, it flowed and the rhymes (although to me annoying) didn’t get in the way as they so often can do.
I agree with nammy... i thought this was awesome. And it's good to keep the reader guessing, making up their own minds as to what the story says. I love it, and the ending is great, really makes an impact. Great work! :)
Submission Name: Sad Girl
