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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deicidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cindergarden1
    ASL Info:    18 Male Sweden
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 43/58/17
    Words: 298
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Death
    Total Views: 675
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1809



    Description:
       This poem shouldn't be read by people that are unsettled by sexual crimes. It can be quite shocking.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeicidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She looks in the mirror one more time
    She sees the girl she's left behind
    No longer is this body hers
    Upon that body lies a curse

    She drinks her coffee, her hand shakes
    He's looking at her and she breaks
    No longer is this body hers
    She feels that death can't be much worse

    He brings the leather belt and he tells her to unlace
    He feels much better when he looks upon her face
    Oh, sweet baby, don't say no
    You know it hurts your daddy so

    The body's hurting, the mind is gone
    She's turned away, she's turned to stone
    No longer is this body hers
    Now that it's his, death can't be worse

    He brings the leather belt and he tells her to unlace
    He feels so much better when he looks upon her face
    Oh, I am a god, I do as I please
    Stop the crying, get on your knees

    He ties her down so she won't run
    Why are you crying, bitch, this is fun
    I'm your god, get on your knees
    I do whatever the fuck I please!
    NO!

    She puts them on again and he's watching
    I'm a god and you are nothing
    No longer is this body hers
    Upon this body lies a curse

    Her eyes are drowning with the tears
    She went to bed with all her fears
    No longer is this body hers
    She feels that death can't be much worse

    She has a knife and no one knows
    She won't ever let him close
    No longer is this body hers
    She brings the knife to end the curse

    He brings the leather belt and he tells her to unlace
    She carves her no into his face




    Submitted on 2005-06-19 20:01:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This one is unique. You are telling a story poetically and it has a finale. This is heavy but you do a pretty good job of conveying this scenario. You get a bit wordy at times and could present the image or actions with fewer words that would have a better effect if written precisely and briefly with less pronouns which you have already stated; for example your version "He brings the leather belt and tells her to unlace", my version " Out comes the leather belt and the command to unlace (we already know from previous stanzas who is the HE and the victim is SHE.) Good work!
    | Posted on 2005-06-19 00:00:00 | by Shahdin | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW! I was totally not expecting that ending. I like the way you laid this out, the common, easy rhyming with the strong story you tell. The repetition of the lines

    No longer is this body hers
    Upon that body lies a curse

    AND

    He brings the leather belt and he tells her to unlace

    strengthens the poem. The picture you paint in the reader's mind is very clear.

    How horrible this must be for the girl, her [father] tearing her down 'gently' (if that can be done) with his words, not yelling, simply saying he is in control, she is nothing but a toy, she must do as he says. So he ties her down then starts his screaming at her as she tries to get away, but she cannot, she is his to do with as he pleases (or so he thinks). Then she finally takes the knife, and the reader thinks she is going to kill herself to 'end her pain'

    She feels that death can't be much worse...
    ...She brings the knife to end the curse

    And shockingly, the ending -

    He brings the leather belt and he tells her to unlace
    She carves her no into his face

    I love it! She doesn't take the easy way out, as happens much too often unfortunately, but she shows him that he is NOT a god, and that she is NOT nothing. Though revenge isn't the best thing, sometimes it is quite deserved. This piece is awesome...nice job! I really enjoyed :)

    ~Cari
    | Posted on 2005-06-19 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my! This was incredible. From the beginning to the end, this played images in my mind like a horror flick. One much more frightening!

    "She looks in the mirror one more time
    She sees the girl she's left behind
    No longer is this body hers
    Upon that body lies a curse

    She drinks her coffee, her hand shakes
    He's looking at her and she breaks
    No longer is this body hers
    She feels that death can't be much worse"

    Even if someone hasn't gone through this, they feel the pain this girl must be feeling.

    "He ties her down so she won't run
    Why are you crying, [censored], this is fun
    I'm your god, get on your knees
    I do whatever the [censored] I please!
    NO!"

    This makes a reader wish they could just tear apart the disgusting human doing this, and put him through the same treatment.

    "He brings the leather belt and he tells her to unlace
    She carves her no into his face".

    This is a perfect ending. It makes me feel proud of the girl. :x Brilliant, definitely a controversial type of work.
    | Posted on 2005-06-19 00:00:00 | by insipid sky | [ Reply to This ]
      Didn't expect the ending...rather crazy...I liked this, it was pretty demented and wierd, but all in all it was really good...

    "No longer is this body hers
    Upon that body lies a curse"

    "No longer is this body hers
    She brings the knife to end the curse"

    That was really good...the poem-i liked how you kept it in the same flow, same beat and rhythm and then in the end everything changed as she changes...stops being passive, abused.

    REally good job on this, it'd be interesting to hear it with music...sounds like it'd be rock, ya know...again, really good work.
    -stacey-
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I like the ending. I thought she was gonna kill herself...but no! even better! she killed the perv! It's all rather sad with the chick getting raped. But in the end...she won, but she'll have the memories...I think I got what you were talking about, i'm always afraid i'm going to get the wrong impression! Well, great write! It was very powerful in MY opinion. Keep up the great work!

    *Kimberly*
    | Posted on 2005-06-20 00:00:00 | by _NowOrNever_ | [ Reply to This ]
      WOOOOOOWW! I Love your work. I thought this was so sad until the very end. That was a completely good ending. Because we weren't expecting it. I thought she was gonna kill herself, cause it said She brings the knife to end the curse

    This was a differant kind of lyrics that I read before. I completely love the way you set the whole thing out. I love the rhyming scheme.. well I like how sometiems you would rhyme every other line.. or the two lines.. or at the end, would match up with the next verse's ending line.

    I completely love this. I know thats a scary thing to go through, but I love how she stood up for herself, and got herself through the curse.
    Another one that is going on my favs..

    GOod work

    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-06-23 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]


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